Month: August 2011

You know that feeling you get when you see the perfect pair of shoes and you just have to have them in your closet?  I was recently shopping at a department store in Chicago when I spotted my dream shoes. Only two things held me back from my purchase— they didn’t have my size, and my “dream” cost more than I was willing to spend.  I’m a bargain shopper, so dropping that chunk of change on one pair of shoes, even if they were awesome, isn’t happening.  The rest of the trip, I wandered from store to store, looking for a comparable pair that wouldn’t break my budget.

By the second day, I was losing steam while trying on every shoe that was cheaper and mimicked the look of my coveted shoes.  Finally, my husband suggested that we go to another department store and see if they have the same shoes in the right size.  You see, he didn’t care if I paid the full price for the shoe; like every man, he just wanted the whole experience to come to an end.  We searched the vast shoe department until we came upon the exact pair. I tried them on in the right size and immediately knew that I had to take them home.  In my twisted mind, I had convinced myself that I would only get these shoes if I could wrangle at least 20% off the full price.  The sales clerk searched in each department on the floor, asking other clerks if they had an extra coupon.  He came back empty-handed.  Tired and frustrated, I just decided to wait for the next time I saw a sale.  I believe my husband was ready to kill me.

We were walking to the door of the department store, when a woman stopped me.  She looked directly at me and said, “Can you use this?  I just want someone to be able to take advantage of this since the sale is over in 20 minutes”. There I was, in the middle of a store, hugging this stranger— who seemed more than pleased that I was so excited about her coupon.  I ran up the escalator and made my big purchase with the coupon— the sales clerk was happy since he got his sale.

So what is my point in sharing this story? I am a firm believer in girlfriend support.    None of this would have happened if my new girlfriend (for life!) hadn’t taken the time to think about another girlfriend.  She was finished with her shopping and had enjoyed her day. She could have easily just walked out the door and gone on with her life, but she didn’t— she went out of her way to make someone else’s day.  You know what happened when she went the extra mile for someone she didn’t even know?  She left the store a happier, healthier person and I left with a hot pair of shoes.

The last days of summer are coming to an end and kids everywhere are gearing up for another new year. This time always reminds me of getting ready for the school year as a child. I can still vividly remember the feeling of waking up on the first day of school. Even though I wasn’t used to the new early routine, I would enthusiastically jump out of bed as soon as my mother came in my room. Excited to wear my new shoes and outfit, I would get dressed and then run downstairs to eat breakfast. Since it was the first day of school, I would be ready to walk out the door ahead of schedule. I would meet my friends at the corner and happily walk to school.

Everything was so new to me on that first day— I had no idea what to expect. My new teacher would always be very different from the one I had the previous year. I would have to adjust to her style, her attitude and her expectations. There would be all new kids in my classroom to get to know. Who knew whether some of them would become my friends? And what would I do if I didn’t have someone to eat lunch with in a few hours? In spite of all this uncertainty, I was still excited to see how the day would unfold.

Did you ever consider how much change you went through when you were young? Things were always being altered and you were constantly growing and being challenged. Nothing in life seemed to stay the same for long. So, what happened to you when you grew up? How did CHANGE become much more difficult for you?

The number one issue I help women with is the change in their lives. There are times in a girlfriend’s life when it becomes more comfortable and safe to keep everything the same— even if staying there doesn’t make you happy. You might believe that maintaining the status quo is much easier for you than charting unknown territory. The reality is that knowing you should change but not moving forward because of your fear wreaks havoc on your self-esteem!

So, this is what I want to say to you, girlfriends— take that risk and make that change! Channel your inner child and view your life as an adventure, just like you did when you were young and starting in your new class. Get out, meet new people and make some new friends. Join a new exercise group or get involved in a book club. Challenge your intellect and move your body! Take an honest inventory of your life and decide where you want to be and how you are going to get there. Girlfriends, whatever your dream is, it can be yours if you embrace change.

A while back, I was shopping in a women’s clothing store. While engrossed in the sales rack, I heard someone say, “What do you think?”. I looked up and realized that I was standing next to the sales clerk and a woman. She had just come out of the dressing room in a complete outfit. The woman asked me again, “What do you think— which pair of earrings do you like with the whole outfit”? I looked her up and down and replied that either pair matched and it really came down to which one she liked better. She stated that she didn’t know and really wanted my opinion. After some discussion, I encouraged her to pick the pair that was outside her comfort zone. She anxiously commented that she had a big date and she wanted to look perfect. She felt that her date would surely notice every detail, including her bracelet. I chuckled and said, “You don’t want him to notice your bracelet— you want him to notice YOU!

She looked confused by this so we talked further about her life. (Yes, this happens to me all the time, striking up conversations with perfect strangers in all kinds of places). She confided that she had been divorced a couple years and she was very nervous about dating again. She mentioned to me numerous times during the course of the conversation that her date was extremely smart. It was apparent that his intelligence intimidated her, so I was interested in learning what she did in her career. Realizing that she had a very demanding job, I commented that she must be quite smart herself. It was not surprising that she tried to deflect this compliment.

After listening to the rest of her story, I interrupted her and said, “You have this all wrong— this is not about whether you look good enough and are good enough for him. This is really about— does he deserve you?” I went on, “This date is about YOU deciding whether this guy is good enough for YOU, if he deserves YOU in his life, and would he bring to YOUR life what you need and want?” She looked blankly at me and then a smile came to her face. Apparently, this had never occurred to her.

I often come across women that are working so diligently to serve other’s needs, they lose sight of the fact they have a say-so in the matter. Again, this goes back to women wanting to please others and become what others want them to be. Will I be pretty enough, will I be smart enough, and will I make him happy? For some girlfriends, this becomes a way of life and permeates every part of their daily existence. What about you— your needs, your wants, your desires? You will never get what you want in life until you realize that you deserve the best and will only accept the best.

My new girlfriend had been through a bad divorce and was on the cusp of starting a new relationship. The problem was that she was walking into this date with the absolute wrong frame of mind. She needed to change her way of thinking and realize that the way to her true happiness was to love and know her self and what she needed in life to be happy. If she gains this knowledge, then everything else will fall into place.

Do you have an “inner critic” that gives you a hard time? Come on, we all have that ongoing dialogue that streams through our consciousness while we go about our daily life. It comments, independently from our active mind, on the minutia of the day. As we are getting dressed in the morning, we are maybe half aware of the background noise that goes through our mind. It sounds a little like this,
“Wow, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those two brownies?”…. “Look how fat I am in these pants— why don’t I exercise enough?”… “Everyone else seems to be able to do this, but I’m just a weak person and I can’t.”

Unless you are actively aware of these thoughts, you don’t even realize that they are busy tearing your self-esteem to shreds and making you downright miserable. More often than not, these streams of consciousness are negative. They spew all kinds of venom into our minds and contaminate how we feel about ourselves. This, in turn, affects how we approach our relationships, our careers, and our lives. As you can imagine, the key to changing your life is to take on the back seat driver that’s calling the shots.

A couple of years ago, I interviewed for a position in a top-notch organization. I believed that this job was perfect for me and I decided that I really wanted the job. The interview went extremely well and I believed that I had this one “all sewed up”. Two weeks later, I received the email explaining how incredible my background was but the company had decided on another applicant. I am sure we can all agree that letters that wax on about our wonderful talent yet make clear that they don’t want us to work for their company are not fun.

My inner critic immediately went to work, doing a grand job. It sounded something like this, “When did I mess it up in the interview?”…”I shouldn’t have brought up that one part of my_____”… “If only I hadn’t talked about that previous experience”…”Sometimes I don’t know when to shut up”…”I used to be an awesome interviewer but I must have lost my skills” Suffice to say, I made myself miserable.

Let’s jump to the other day when I was at a networking event. I introduced myself to a woman and shook her hand. She looked at me intently and stated that she felt that she knew me from somewhere. I laughed and told her that I always look familiar to people. I talked to other people in the room and about 45 minutes later, I went over to talk to her again. She suddenly got excited. “I’ve got it, I know why I know you— I interviewed you for that position at XYZ Company and you didn’t get the job because you were WAY OVERQUALIFIED for that position. She said much more but my mind was stuck on the way overqualified part. Really? I wasted all that time cutting myself down and that’s what it was? They were too impressed with my background?

So there you have it. The majority of the time, even women that are self-confident fall victim to the “back-seat driver’s” spewed toxin. Let this be a lesson to you, girlfriend. Make a pact to kick your back-seat driver out of your head!