Month: October 2011

I was speaking to a women’s group about leading a healthy life when “ having balance” came up in the conversation.  One of the women mentioned that she was struggling to get everything done in life and do it PERFECTLY.  Yep. You know I jumped all over that one! Let’s face it, trying to live up to the “P” word can be a no-win proposition.  I know from my own experiences that doing it all and doing it perfect is impossible when you are juggling multiple kids, a job, a husband and a house— and would appreciate a minute left over for your self.

When my kids were still young, one of my closest neighbors came over to help me get ready for company.  We were both in the kitchen having a good time and making the main course for the dinner. When it came time to add the spices to the dish, I opened my corner cabinet.  She watched me reach up and pull out the oregano that I needed to add to the sauce.  She began laughing and was finally able to choke out “I would have never guessed in a million years that your cupboard looked like that”.

I had no idea what she was talking about.  She proceeded to tell me that she had always believed that every part of my house, inside and out, was PERFECT.  My friend was shocked that my cupboard was so messy but she admitted that she found me much more likeable. I explained my philosophy about cleaning— I believed that as long as my house looked clean on the surface, then my house was just fine.    Immaculate closets, drawers and cupboards were just not that important to me. Not much has changed for me since that experience, much to my husband’s dismay.

My point in sharing this story is not to convince you that my philosophy about cleaning is the right way to go in your domestic life. Rather, it’s to share how I found a way to stay sane and emotionally healthy when my life was crazy with too many responsibilities and commitments.  Apparently, I acknowledged at that time in life that it was not realistic to believe that I would be able to complete every task and do it perfectly.  Therefore, I knew I had to make compromises and establish my priorities in life.  I felt that playing ball in the yard with my sons was more important (and definitely more enjoyable) than making my closets and drawers look perfect.  I decided that I would accept this and not beat myself up about it.

Look, I don’t really care if your drawers and closets are busting out with clothes or they are perfectly organized, alphabetized and color- coded.  It just doesn’t matter to me. Maybe cleaning is one of your priorities. I just want to declare, once and for all, that aspiring to a life where every aspect is absolutely perfect is setting you up for failure.  Perfection does not guarantee happiness, fulfillment or success in life. What you cananticipate is plenty of stress.  Success in life is an individual assessment— only you can decide what it looks like.  So face it girlfriend, life isn’t perfect and neither are you.  Decide on what is important to you and then let the PERFECT thing go— once and for all!

The list.  So, maybe I wasn’t consciously aware of the list in my head, but it was definitely there.  The truth was that I knew what I needed to be happy in a relationship— even at the age of 19.  I could size up a guy in about 20 minutes and tell whether I wanted to spend any more time with him.  My instincts told me whether the guy was “right for me”— Well, my instincts and the “list”.

Now, I bet you are wondering girlfriend, what was on my list?  Remember, this list was non-negotiable— I had to have these to be happy.  First and foremost, he had to be a truly good, kind guy.  Someone that was genuine— I had radar that could detect insincerity and nastiness a mile away.  Also, the important people in my life had to think he was as great as I thought he was.  Next, he had to be ambitious and smart.  That is, he had to be someone that was goal-oriented in his career and his personal life, and someone that wanted to grow as a person by having new experiences.  If not, I knew that I would be terribly bored.  Third, he had to be funny and entertaining.  I didn’t care how nice and ambitious he was, if he wasn’t funny, this was a deal breaker!  I grew up in a “fun” house and I appreciated good humor.  I wanted someone that I could laugh with and who could play off my humor.

Now, you are going to think the next request on my list is shallow— he had to be giving and generous.  I remember dating a guy during this time that used to pour over the restaurant bill and complain.  It made me feel so uncomfortable that it was the end of our dates for me.  I just envisioned him doing that whenever I went out shopping. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a big spender, it’s just that I figured I needed someone to balance my own frugal ways.  Last, I wanted a guy that treated me like I was the most wonderful, fabulous woman in the world and appreciated me for who I truly was at my core.  The bottom line is this: he would want to PLEASE me and make me happy in life!

There is a reason that I’m bringing this up today.  Whenever I work with a woman and we begin to discuss relationships and men, this issue comes up. I invariably say, “I want you to make a list of what you want in a guy— including deal breakers”. This request often becomes a difficult task for her. I believe this is because many women have never given any thought to what THEY NEED to be happy with a man in their life.  Many meet a man and begin the process of wrapping their life around them.  This is the very reason that I suggest women who are fresh from a relationship take time to get to know themselves as individuals before jumping into another relationship.  That way, they can get clear on who they are, what they need and what exactly they want for next time.

If you aren’t in a relationship, I hope you take heed and put together your list right now!  I highlighted my top picks— you do the same.  If your list consists of 48 needs, I wish you good luck on your long journey.  C’mon, be reasonable. If you are currently in a relationship, make your list and see how it turns out.  Are their non-negotiables that you are living with yet you wonder why you are so unhappy? What can you control and what can you NOT control? The bottom line, girlfriend, is that your happiness all starts with KNOWING YOU.

A few days ago, I attended the Athena Awards at the Cintas Center. The Athena Awards honors exceptional women and is in recognition of the Greek goddess of wisdom and courage.  To become an Athena Award finalist, you must be a woman that has achieved professional excellence, given back to your community and created leadership opportunities for other women.  I can honestly say that that the group of women honored that day were truly fabulous girlfriends.  In fact, as I listened to each woman’s story, I began to realize what an arduous task it must be to narrow down the honored to just one woman. Yet, they were able to do this and chose the extremely talented Annie Ruth.

As I drove home from the awards, I was busy thinking about these wonderful women and what made them different from the rest of us girlfriends. How could each one of us also achieve their level of accomplishment? What would we have to do to receive an Athena award? It became clearer to me as I thought about the themes that emerged from each one of their stories.

PASSION

Each woman that won an Athena award was doing work that was true to who they were at their very core.  Each one was aware of their innate skills and talents and utilized them daily.  Passionate about what they were doing, they encouraged others to follow their heart and do what they love.  They knew that they were doing exactly what they were meant to do in life. When you have passion for your work, you have energy.  These women were full of life!

ADVERSITY

Each accomplished woman had faced some sort of adversity in her life and had triumphed.  When things got rough, each one just kept on putting one foot in front of the other.  They found meaning and purpose in their bad times and grew from the experience to become an even better individual.  As I always say, the good and happy times are easy; we enjoy them but we don’t really learn much.  You know those moments that are the bleakest? The times when we are on the bottom of the rollercoaster and have trouble seeing how we could possibly ever find our way back up to the top? That’s when we learn how strong we truly are and how much better a person we can really be.

COMMUNICATOR

You know what struck me about each one of these finalists?  They were awesome communicators.  As they spoke, I was riveted with what they had to share.  After giving this some thought, I decided that their skills come from the place of passion.  Again, that passion word!  When you speak about what you believe in and love, what comes from your heart, what is a part of you, people feel the energy and passion. I know I sure did, with each and every one of these girlfriends.

So, my question to every girlfriend out there is this- what are you doing to move forward in life? Are you living your dream like these women?  Are you following your passions daily while giving back to others? Are you fighting your way back up from a dip in the rollercoaster? I hope every one of you will make a pact with me today: let’s live a little more like the Greek Goddess.