Month: January 2012

My mother was known as a very wise woman.  On a regular basis, women would come to our house seeking my mother’s wisdom. I vividly recall her various friends sitting around the kitchen table, waiting for my mom to help them solve their issues and make sense of their predicament.  She somehow had a knack at understanding people and seeing through to the truth in every situation.

 

One of my mother’s favorite sayings was “don’t air your dirty laundry”.  She felt that you shouldn’t share all the bad stuff going on in your life. My mom believed that it was best in life to keep it quiet.  Now that I’m older, I question her wisdom.

 

On one hand, I agree with this principle.  People truly don’t need to know every detail of your life, nor am I sure that they are even interested. Frankly, does everyone really need to know the intimate details of your dysfunctional childhood? Being able to assess what should be shared and what needs to be kept to yourself and your most intimate friends is part of having healthy boundaries. In other words, having healthy boundaries in life means you’re able to ascertain what is too much information to share.

 

On Facebook, you see this concept played out time and time again.  I’m always shocked at the personal information that women are more than willing to share with others. Must you share with 400 of your “closest” friends the horrible details of your divorce?  Maybe it’s not such a great idea for you to divulge to 400 people the embarrassing personal problems that you’re having with your teenage daughter. Your “friends” have absolutely nothing to gain or learn by receiving this information and you have nothing positive to gain by sharing it.

 

On the other hand, there are women that make it a habit to share absolutely nothing in life that’s the least bit negative.  These are the ones that adhere to the “don’t air your dirty laundry” rule to an extreme.  They want everyone to believe that they are living the perfect life.  These women are eager to give the illusion that their careers, kids and husbands are wonderful and their life is always fabulous.  The reality is that their life is like an airbrushed picture in a magazine— at first glance it looks great, but after awhile, you get the distinct feeling that it’s way too good to be true.

 

Who hasn’t seen this on Facebook?  Women post the most wonderful accomplishments of their children and perfect pictures of their families.  They describe the wonderful places they’ve traveled and the fabulous guy that they married.  The problem with this way of life is that you can only go on for so long before your illusion comes crashing down around you. Living in denial and not dealing with your issues honestly catches up with you.

 

I believe the best approach is to take the middle of the road.  It’s healthy to be “real”, but not to the point where you have to share every intimate detail of your life.  It’s healthy to share embarrassing and upsetting pieces of your life with your closest confidantes— people that you can trust.  Friends that can help you sort through the pain and ride with you to the other side are the ones you should “air” to.  It is not healthy for your life to be an open book.  So girlfriends, find a balance.  Be real, be healthy, but be smart.

 

I met Wendy at a networking event in October.  While the two of us talked, it wasn’t long before we discussed plans to meet for lunch.  Deep in conversation, Wendy told me that her mother was involved in a weekly women’s group. She said that they referred to it as the “Angel Group”. They would meet to discuss all the struggles that go along with being a woman in today’s world.

 

Wendy was interested in starting something similar and wondered if I might want to become involved in the endeavor. As you would imagine, the idea intrigued me. What could possibly be more exciting than bringing together a group of women to talk openly about their struggle to be happy and healthy in in life?  I saw it as an opportunity for women to share and support each other as they persevere to achieve their life goals.

 

As fate would have it, I sat down with Lisa two days later.  As we discussed her upcoming opening of her new place, she shared that she was interested in bringing groups of women into the salon in the evening to share and learn.  The light bulb went off in my head and I shared our vision with Lisa— who loved the idea.  When the three of us finally met, we decided that we would keep the monthly evening fun with wine, appetizers and a loose structure. Each of our “Sassy Girlfriend Talks” would discuss a different topic.

 

The response to our event was unbelievable. The RSVP’s kept pouring in— obviously we had hit a nerve in the community.  As the women started to arrive, I began to worry.  There were very young women and there were older women.  There were married women, single women and recently divorced women. A few knew each other, but the majority did not. To be frank, I felt that they had very little in common. I hoped that I could encourage this group to let down their guard and share their feelings.

 

Sitting in a circle, I asked each woman to a take turn and talk about a life change they would make in the coming year. My fear was that I would have to direct much of the discussion and encourage the talk— which was not my vision of the evening. What if they wouldn’t connect with each other?  What if they wouldn’t let others truly see who they really were?

 

As the first woman began to talk, I realized that I was witnessing something incredible begin to unfold.  One by one, each woman exposed her fears, her hurts, and her vulnerabilities.  As each woman shared her story, the other women intensely listened and validated the feelings shared. The walls came down and the tears flowed. In the end, my job was so easy— I just had to be quiet and allow the women to bond with each other and offer support and guidance.  This was “their” group and I wanted them to own it.

 

Near the end of the evening, new friendships were formed as the women hugged and exchanged contact information. Looking back, I realize that it didn’t really matter whether the women in the room had anything in common.  They were all women and that was apparently enough.  I know that each girlfriend went home that night feeling a little sassier, a bit smarter and had become a firm believer in the power of siste

 

People often ask me what it’s like to be married for 30 years.  They want to know the secret to having a relationship that endures for that long. Let me rephrase that— they want to know what the secret is to having a relationship that not only endures the 30 years, but one where both partners are actually still happy.  Well, I’m here to give you one of the keys to relationship longevity.  But first, let me share a story that happened the other day.

 

An old friend of my husband’s was visiting Cincinnati during the holidays.  He stopped by to say hello since we hadn’t seen each other for quite some time.  We got caught up discussing family and friends and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave.  As he stood in the front of the house to say goodbye, he took a long look into the living room.  He stared in there for a moment, and then said, “I can’t believe that she let you do that to the room”.  I looked in the living room to see what he was talking about.

 

You see, my husband has transformed our living room into a music room.  He’s purchased massive speakers that I guess you could say, “stand out”.  In addition to this, he’s placed huge obvious squares on the ceiling that are supposed to improve the quality of the sound. He’s moved furniture around to increase the optimal sound for his music listening.  The living room looks vastly different than it did when I first decorated. However, it does look better than the day he rented a drywall hoist to put the huge squares on the ceiling.  When I walked in my house that day, I thought he had lost his mind.

 

My ability to not even remember that the living room looks a bit different is why we stay happily married. Here’s how my brain works— I assess the situation at hand (my husband has transformed the living room) and I question whether I should truly be upset over this.  This is what I’m thinking when confronted with this information:

 

1. Wow, that room looks ridiculous!

2. Hmmm…I see this makes him really happy.

3. How does the ridiculous room set-up impact my life?

4. Does the negative impact outweigh the pleasure it is giving him?

5. Oh well then, who cares.

 

And then, I let it go forever, and go on to something else.

 

I suppose this wouldn’t work in our relationship if he didn’t appreciate what I do for him.  If he took it for granted, it probably would change my response next time.  But that’s not the case— he’s so grateful that I allow him to enjoy his passion in life that I reap the benefits for my attitude over and over again.

 

 

The big secret to relationship happiness is picking your battles.  Let the small stuff go so you can enjoy the relationship.  Yes, I realize it’s sometimes hard to just “let it go”. It’s easier said than done.  It might help if you tried to keep this in mind:

In the long run, you probably have a whole lot more to gain than lose.

 

 

My best girlfriend had testing done last week and I was anxiously awaiting the results. You know when you have a bad feeling about a situation but you just don’t want to go there?  You see, my girlfriend is not a warrior by nature— I take care of that role. While talking to her, I was positive and supportive, but in my mind I was anything but that. I tried to remind myself that I was just being neurotic, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. My gut instincts were working overtime.  She promised me that she would call me as soon as she got the news.  She was supposed to hear Tuesday, and then by Wednesday at 11:00, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I broke down and called her again.

 

I asked her calmly, “So, have you heard from them yet?”  She replied with a yes and then paused.  Those few seconds told me everything I needed to know. And then she said those four words that I was dreading to hear, “I have breast cancer”.

 

It’s funny, I remember exactly where I was on the freeway when I heard those words, because it seemed like everything changed for me at that moment.  I really didn’t expect the news to hit me so hard— but it did.  Why would this throw me? — I’m trained as a Mental Health Therapist and I’ve dealt with all kinds of horrible, emotional situations with such calm.  I’ve even worked specifically with women struggling with Breast Cancer! I pride myself on always knowing how to handle any situation, not letting my good judgment be taken over by my emotions. Always knowing the right thing to say at the right time.  But this time, I pretty much crumbled.

 

I went totally by my instincts from that moment on.  I reminded her how much she was loved and how many friends she had in her life.  I promised her that I would help her get through every step of the process that she was about to go through. I also let her know how there were great advances in treatment in the last couple of years that were changing the face of this disease.  It surely wasn’t going to be fun, but we were going to get through it.

 

And when I finished sharing all of that, she did the most incredible thing.  She said to me, “I’m sorry that I didn’t get to call you back yesterday— I’m so excited about your great news in your business. It’s all so awesome for you.”  I was just stunned.  Here she was in the midst of her big crisis, feeling scared and sad, and she was thinking of me! This was probably the worst time of her life and she was still thinking about my good fortune and success.

 

A person can have lots of “friends” that they interact with daily, weekly, or monthly.  Those are the people that come and go throughout the different seasons of your life.  If you’re lucky, you have at least one special friend that’s there for you in the long haul.  If you’re lucky, you have one special friend that’s right there with you to celebrate every single success and truly feel your pain when life is looking pretty darn bleak.

 

In a heartbeat, I’m certain that my girlfriend would be standing by me if I just received this news— she’s that kind of friend.  I will surely do the same for her.

 

 

My son is home from college for his Winter Break. That might explain why I find many foreign pairs of shoes by the front door in the morning.  This is usually a clue that there are numerous young male guests sleeping somewhere in our house. When my husband woke up yesterday morning and went down to eat breakfast, my son and his friends were about to “call it a night”. Since he’s has been back, my sleep has been disrupted by the front door opening and closing at odd hours, and sounds of laughter and music emanating from the basement.

 

In a few days, my house will be full— my oldest son is coming home. I’m having company over for dinner and have been busy planning the menu and shopping. In addition to my work-related responsibilities, I’ve been focused on what chores I need to get accomplished around the house. Needless to say, I’ve been quite preoccupied with all this additional “stuff” going on in my house.

 

I woke up this morning with the intent to eat breakfast, work out and then knock some items off my to-do list. As I put my car in reverse, I began to think about all the things I needed to get done. Deep in thought, I wondered whether I should wrap the gifts this afternoon or go to the store and get more of my grocery shopping completed.  I was jolted out of my thinking by the sound of metal crunching metal.  For a few seconds, I couldn’t figure out what just happened.  Then it occurred to me— I totally disregarded the fact that my son’s car was in the driveway.  I backed up, not paying attention to what was behind me.

 

I sat there for a few seconds trying to wish everything away. Slowly, I got out of the car to survey the damage. At that moment, I was much more concerned that his older, smaller car had been demolished by mine. His car looked fine, other than a few scratches— I was shocked and relieved. For a couple of seconds, I had a vision of being able to get away with few repercussions.  That’s when I turned to look at my own car— no such luck. I had severely damaged the bumper.

 

It’s important for me to be honest here.  I began this story by giving you all the excuses as to why this “turn of events” occurred.  But, I realize that the excuses just exist to allow me to feel a little better.  The reality is this: I hit his car because I was trying to get things done too quickly while having too many things on my plate.  Lets be brutally honest here and throw “not being truly present“ into the mix— now you know exactly why I hit the car.

 

Does this sound familiar to any of you? We all have times in life when we’re trying to juggle too many responsibilities and aren’t really being mindful of what we’re doing. It seems to go with the territory of being a woman. In lieu of this, I’ve decided on my New Year’s resolution— I will do a better job of recognizing when I’ve hit overload and taken on too much responsibility.  I’ll try harder to be fully present at all times and slow down! Last, and most importantly, I’ll always turn around when I back out of my garage. I’m hoping you will do the same.