It’s Just Common Sense

Anytime I get the chance to share my thoughts with other women on how to become sassy, I’m one happy girlfriend! I was lucky enough to give a presentation to a group of awesome businesswomen with Key4women at Key Bank yesterday.  Of course, I discussed the 6 steps to finding your inner sass— which was an extension of some of the principles that are presented in my book “31 Days to Finding Your Inner Sass”.  I presented 6 key topics that are absolutely essential to happiness and success in your professional and personal life. I covered things like knowing your strengths, risk and change, communication skills, firm boundaries, baggage in your life and problem solving.

 

After the presentation, a woman came up to me and thanked me for sharing the information. And then she said,  “You know, everything you talked about is just common sense. There’s nothing you spoke about that I already didn’t know”.  I agreed with her wholeheartedly and told her that I was very aware of that fact.  After I left the event, I spent the evening thinking about this.

 

In life, we get into our daily routines and go about our business.  Often, we are so busy that we can’t see straight.  We run from one meeting to the next, to picking up the dry cleaning, to picking up the kids, to running to the store, to running home to make dinner.  We’re on overdrive and we’ve become quite proficient at getting as many things done at one time as possible.  But the problem with this is the following— when we are running at such high speed and trying to fit everything into our schedule, we often miss the obvious.

 

Then suddenly, we stop and realize that we are unhappy.  Whether it’s in our personal relationships or the satisfaction in our professional life, we know that something is just not right.  It’s difficult for us to articulate exactly what the problem is, because we haven’t been feeling.  We haven’t truly been checking in with ourselves to see how things are going.  If we did, we wouldn’t be able to get all our “things” accomplished and, let’s face it; it’s just easier that way.  Maybe we were feeling before and being diligent about leading a healthy life, but slowly, we fell back into our unhealthy patterns. When we do finally check in, we don’t like what we find and we’re not sure what to make of it or how to get out of this place.

 

Yes, all of what I stress to being important to your health, happiness and success in life is common sense. However, the truth is that few of us are actually living our lives in this healthy manner every single day. On some level, we’re aware of these important principles. Often, however, we just stick that thought as far back in our minds as possible so we can continue to get things done.  Only until life seems to bubble over and smack us in the face can we ignore it.

 

That’s where I come into the picture. I’m the reminder that you need to make some changes in your life. I’m the cold water in your face, warning you that you can no longer ignore those little pesky issues that are holding you back from being your best in your career and personal life. Because here’s the thing— those pesky little issues, as common sense as they may be, become huge monster issues when left unaddressed. So I’m doing my best to make sure that you don’t let that happen. Here is your wake-up call, girlfriend— deal with that stuff now!

 

Tough Lessons in Leadership

Everywhere I go these days, I hear a lot of women talking about leadership. It appears to be the latest buzzword in the business world.  So, in your opinion, what is the difference between being a manager and being a true leader?

 

My first job out of college was as an Assistant Manager in a Retail Store. I was trained to understand my job responsibilities and how to effectively perform each task.  However, no one trained me how to actually handle employees. I vividly remember the first day that I was on my own and in charge of the store.  I instructed one of the veteran employees, Mary, to merchandise the new clothes that had just been placed on the floor. Mary, who had been there for years, glared at me and loudly said “no”.  She then refused to listen to me.  I handled the response from her with finesse, professionalism and maturity; I went in the back room and cried alone in the corner.

 

But while I was in the back room crying and frustrated, something quite wonderful happened.  I went from manager to leader in the next few minutes.  I stopped crying and began to think about how I was going to accomplish my goal; getting Mary to respect my authority and work for me. I realized that I obviously needed a different tactic.  I hatched my plan in the back room; my best strategy was to go back out there and appeal to her compassion.

 

I went out and asked if we could have a little talk. You see, I knew she had informal power in the store and could convince others of what ever she believed. This was why it was vital that I handle this situation delicately and appropriately. In our talk, I let down my guard and shared with her that I was struggling— this was all new to me and I really needed her help.  I asked her if she would be kind enough to help me through this venture.  Seeing me vulnerable, she jumped at the chance to help and support me. The truth is that while I was in the back crying, I had an epiphany.  In the few weeks that I had worked with her, I noticed a few things about what made Mary “tick”.  I understood what motivated Mary— she was a caregiver and wanted to be needed by others. Also, she wanted to be respected for her expertise and knowledge in the store. She was unimpressed by the recent confident college graduate that they had just hired.

 

From that day forward, I never had any trouble with Mary.  In fact, Mary loved me and would do anything for me. In the end, Mary respected my work and encouraged me to move up in the company. In those few minutes where I lost my composure in the back, I internalized a lesson for a lifetime.  I forever would understand the real difference between a manager and a leader.  A manager is hired to complete tasks.  A leader completes tasks but much, much more.  A leader knows that in order to be truly effective, she needs to understand how to motivate and inspire each employee.  A leader puts her own feelings aside to accomplish this goal because she sees beyond the short-term goal of completing tasks. The truth is, I knew I wanted to rise to the top, so I figured I better find a solution to my first simple dilemma in management.  And I did.

 

 

 

Take Charge of Your Inner Critic!

Right this minute, I am sitting outside on a patio enjoying the bright blue skies and warm sunshine.  There’s a gentle breeze blowing and two birds above me chirping a calming melody.  If I look up from my computer, I can see the palm trees swaying.  Let’s just say that I am feeling pretty content, happy and relaxed, which is a far cry from where I was just 6 days ago.

 

I am embarrassed to admit this, but last Sunday, I let my inner critic get the best of me.  One reason this happened was because I wasn’t diligent and I let my guard down.  I started listening to the lies my critic tells me now and then.  And here’s the thing, once you start listening to the lies, you can get really carried away.

 

Last Sunday was a crazy busy day for me-and maybe that statement is a big part of the problem. Now really, should Sunday ever be a crazy busy day?  Sunday should be a relaxing day, a time to regroup. If you are working hard all week, you need down time to reenergize for the coming week. But I was not listening to my own advice and was running full speed ahead.  I spent Sunday trying to accomplish as many things as possible.  I knew my stress level was high, but I didn’t allow myself to stop to think about it; I just kept on going.

 

I had talked to my son midweek and he was struggling with some issues that had led him to feel unhappy. Considering that he is a sophomore in college, that is not so hard to believe.  Now that I am sane again, I realize that there are good times and bad times when you are trying to grow up.  Anyway, Sunday, sometime in the afternoon, I decided to give my son a call and see how he was doing.  The phone rang once and then went right to voicemail.  I tried again and the same thing happened.  My inner critic started and I did everything I could to allow him to excel at his work. “Why wouldn’t he answer his phone in the middle of the afternoon?  Is he sleeping the day away because he’s so unhappy?  Is he miserable and I am not taking this seriously when I talk to him?”  I can honestly say it went downhill from there into some territory that was downright ridiculous!

 

I had worked myself up to a frenzy when I gave him a call again at 5:30 pm and he answered.  My critic informed me that he had just woken up-my reality did not.  “Hi mom”, he said loudly with energy. “I just got out of the theatre performance all my friends were in-it was great!!”.  I’ve been there all afternoon-I would love to be in at least one play sometime in the next couple years!”  I asked how he was feeling but I could already tell-back to his usual happy self.

 

When I hung up the phone, I thought about how happy I was for him and then my mind went to myself.  What a waste of energy on a day when I couldn’t afford to lose any!  How quickly my inner critic had hijacked my sane thinking and poisoned my thoughts.

 

Your inner critic can be sneaky. Just when you think that you are in full control of your situation, he sneaks in to sabotage your thinking. He knows your Achilles heel and when to strike-he recognizes when you are most vulnerable.  But you can control this-the key is to truly listen to what you need and take it seriously. So girlfriends, stay on guard and refuse to give in to your inner critic!  Listen carefully and stop him dead in his tracks.

How Do You Spell Success?

I was working with a client the other day when she mentioned that she had always been told she was going to do something very special in life.  This burden of success weighed heavily on her heart throughout her life.  What was the one special thing she was destined to do?  Is she letting everyone down?  Is she supposed to be president or CEO of a massive company in order to fulfill her destiny?  Instead of this being a motivator, this became a massive albatross around her neck.  She was constantly feeling that whatever she accomplished was just not enough.

 

This leads me to think about how you define success. Everyone seems to be able to tell others what success really is.  You’ve read all the promises out there. “Learn these 5 business strategies and achieve success” or “take this course and learn the secrets to becoming a millionaire”. Do you achieve success when you become president of the United States?  Is it when you have a bulging bank account, or is it when you own 5 houses all over the world?

 

My dad was not a rich man.  I didn’t grow up in a big house with a lot of material possessions.  My dad sold cars and he absolutely loved his job and was quite good at what he did.   I believe he was a natural born salesman. That’s not to say he didn’t have plenty of bad sales months with the good months. Wherever we would go, people would be excited to see him and give him a big hello.  You see, I didn’t know anyone that didn’t think he was a nice guy. He rarely if ever yelled at us or became angry and he was consistently in a good mood.

 

Although my dad didn’t appear to be an overly successful man by many standards, he actually believed otherwise.  He felt extremely lucky to have my mom and there was always laughter in the house.  He was so proud that he had three kids that were college graduates, and he had been able to pay for their college educations on his own. He was proud that his house was paid off and he rarely missed a day of work. Everyday that he lived, he felt that he was a very lucky, successful man.

 

Becoming a CEO of a company when it’s not your passion or goal is not success.  Being president of the United States when you don’t have the skills to do the job well is not success.  Success is being true to who you are and using your strengths daily in your life.  Success is challenging yourself to learn and grow physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially throughout your life. Success is not being afraid to be true to who you are at the core and not buying into what other people dream for you.  You need to dream for YOU.

 

It’s impossible to evaluate other’s success because there is no universal measure of success.  Many times this idea is contrary to what our culture teaches us. But the truth is we can only gauge how we are fairing in life by our own measuring stick.  Not our mother’s, not our father’s or sibling’s, but what we feel in our heart. Only you know what success looks like.  Success is in the eye of the beholder.