Happiness Thermostat

My husband insists on putting the thermostat down as low as possible in the summer AND the winter.  In the summer, he wants the rooms as chilly as possible and in the winter, he’s comfortable in a cool room. I’m the polar opposite of him.  In the winter, I’m constantly freezing and want the heat up as high as possible.  In the summer, I’m constantly freezing in air conditioning and don’t want cold air blowing on me. Apparently, my internal thermostat is quite different than his.

 

Our “happiness thermostat” also couldn’t be more opposite. My happiness thermostat is set on “happy” 97% of all the days of the year.  When I dip from that set point, I bounce back fairly quick.  I’m sorry to say that the same can’t be said about him.  There are dramatic ups and downs from day to day and I don’t see anything close to my degree of happiness.  He has a more subdued feeling that probably translates to “life is pretty good but I don’t want to say it’s great because something could happen to change that and then I would be VERY unhappy”.

 

According to a happiness theory, each one of you has a distinct set point of happiness.  You hover back and forth around that set point but you basically stay in that specific range your whole life.  In a society that is obsessed with finding happiness, it’s important to think about this bit of information I just shared.  Looking back on your life, do you see the pattern of your happiness?  Of course there’s ups and downs when you hit some trying times in your life, but basically, day to day, what is your happiness thermostat set on?

 

Why are there people that have very few material possessions, yet are able to find a way to be happy? How do they find happiness when the odds are stacked against them? Don’t they know how miserable they should be? On the other hand, I’ve seen women that look like they possess everything that they would ever desire in life and yet they’re still miserable. They’re terribly unhappy and they search for the “thing” that will bring them happiness.

 

Maybe part of the problem is how we view happiness.  If you view happiness in life as a constant state of bliss, you may be getting closer to why you’re not “finding it”.  Life isn’t all about one perfect, fabulous day after another. There are days that are trying, stressful and hard work but you can still be happy. Not that “crazy with excitement” happy, but an “I am satisfied and appreciate life and everyone in it” happy.

 

There is a need for us to permanently change our way of thinking about that five-letter word. Accept that there are going to be down times in your life when you’re sad. Sad doesn’t mean depressed.  There’s a big difference between sad and depressed and our society often forgets that. Depressed is a serious condition while sad is an important universal feeling that all of us come to know now and then. Between you and me, I think we live in a society that’s terrified of being sad.  We’ll do anything to feel “happy” again.  Readjust your thinking on this and get comfortable with knowing you can feel sad in a situation and it’s not the end of the world. It’s just a part of life.

 

I hope you’re thinking about your own thermostat and how you can make some positive changes that will help you find a place of happiness. That ecstatic blissed out feeling happens now and then in your life, but that feeling of appreciation for being alive, that satisfaction with your family and friends— that’s the “happy” you need to come to expect in your life.

A New Approach to Exercise

Have you ever heard of TRX exercise training? If you haven’t, let me try to explain what it’s all about.  It’s suspension training that uses your own bodyweight to perform hundreds of exercises.  At times you use your arms to pull up and out, and at other times, you use your legs. Let me tell you— after one class, every muscle in your body is exhausted.  This is actually what I believe to be the point of exercise— to challenge your body and become stronger.

 

Not even halfway through the class, and I was staring at the clock, willing it to go faster. It didn’t. I was unbelievably tired and didn’t think I could continue much longer.  Ten minutes after that, I remember having a thought that was something like this, “Why am I doing this class again? I’m not having a good time”. Near the end, we did an exercise where my feet were in the straps and I was doing a plank on the floor. Exhausted beyond belief, my body feeling like jelly, I suddenly thought that the breeze I was getting in that position on the floor felt wonderful.  I shared my thought out loud and then laughed at myself.  I found it amusing that even when I was miserable, I was trying to find a way to focus on something positive to get through the experience.

 

When I was finished, all my bad feelings vanished.  I felt a rush of pride that I had made it through something so difficult and taxing. I left the gym accomplished and ready to take on my day.

 

The other night at Sassy Girlfriend Talk, we shared our feelings about making changes in our life. The discussion eventually turned to exercise and women began to share their feelings on the subject.  More than one woman confided that they couldn’t get into exercising routinely because, unlike me, it doesn’t make them feel good. On top of that, it’s exhausting.

 

This thought haunted me the rest of the night. Were they right in the thinking that I’m wired to enjoy exercise and movement more than other women?  Is it easier or more natural for me than it is for others?  Am I expecting something of them that’s unrealistic?  Then I had a memory— checking the clock in the middle of spinning class and wondering why I was doing something that was making me so miserable!

 

Exercise that pushes the limits of what your body can accomplish is not FUN! It’s just not that realistic to think you’ll enjoy every minute of what you’re doing. That’s not to say that some forms of exercise might be more appealing to you than others. Whether you find pleasure in swimming, dancing, or bike riding, you should do what is more enjoyable for you. Although I usually feel accomplished and terrific afterwards, the honest truth is that the “during part” is really hard work. Which just made me realize— everything I’ve ever accomplished in my life and every goal I’ve met also involved times in the middle of the process that were HARD WORK!

 

My suggestion to women is to stop treating exercise as a choice in your lifestyle. It’s just another piece of staying physically and emotionally healthy. It’s not always going to be a minute-by-minute good time but it’s akin to taking your pill in the morning. It’s what you need to do to be your absolute best self.

 

 

 

Political Stress

 

I was able to catch “The View” on TV this morning. There was a great segment that had comedian Lewis Black discussing the presidential campaign. What made this so enjoyable was the fact that you couldn’t tell which political side he supported. He made everyone laugh by sharing how exhausted he was with the whole political process. He implored, “Can’t we just vote now and be put out of our misery? Other than four people in Ohio, everyone knows who they’re going to vote for.”

 

I have to admit, he makes a great point. Wherever we look, we are bombarded with messages about the political campaign. It doesn’t matter where your views lie; the majority of the messages are downright negative. If I listened and internalized everything that appeared on TV, phone, newspapers and the many sources on the Internet, I could begin to believe my life was in grave danger— no matter the actual outcome of the election.

 

The presidential election process can be a tense, stressful time that brings many strong emotions to the surface. Of course, that’s the idea behind the messages being sent to you. They want you to feel it’s a priority to vote for their candidate. However, the negative messages being sent in the media during a high-energy campaign such as this one can impact your well-being. After a while, the constant bombardment of negative messages can lead you to feel anxious and stressed. You can begin to feel that if your candidate does not get elected, there will be dire consequences to your lifestyle.

 

During the last Presidential election in 2008, Psychologist Nancy Monitor noted that her patients were affected. “Many had trouble sleeping, experienced edginess, irritability, and distractions at work”. I have observed that taking part in political discussions, in the hopes of convincing others, can just add to the anxiety. Often, when two individuals fail to politically agree, each party feels compelled to enlighten the other as to why their choice is the absolute right choice. I don’t know about you, but I don’t find this process very enjoyable.

 

In lieu of this, I have created some stress survival tips to make it through the rest of the political season without losing your mind (or your friends):

 

Try to limit your exposure to the Political Campaign. If you want to be kept abreast of the campaign, allot a specific amount of time to catch up on new events and stick within that timeframe. If you have always viewed Facebook as a stress-reducer and a pleasurable activity— please beware. Facebook is crawling with strong, and often-inappropriate comments on both party’s candidates. Ten minutes spent in social media will be enough to make your blood pressure spike.

 

Be aware of your polarized thinking when it comes to how your view each candidate. I hate to break it to you, but neither candidate is perfect. They both are human and have their flaws. One candidate is not all bad, and one candidate is not all good. They both have their strengths and weaknesses. More importantly, you will not be doomed if your candidate does not get elected. You might be disappointed, which is healthy, but you won’t be doomed.

 

Refrain from futile political conversations with co-workers, family members or neighbors. Should I repeat that? Please try to internalize that each co-worker, neighbor, friend, or family member is entitled to his or her own opinion. You have absolutely nothing to gain (but stress) by having a heated conversation about your views on the upcoming election. You are not going to change their mind with your facts, knowledge, or wisdom on the topic, so stop trying.

 

I wish you the best of luck navigating this (sometimes stressful) Political Season and remember: no matter what you believe, JUST VOTE!

What Goes Around Comes Around

A couple of weeks ago, we took our annual trip to Ann Arbor to move our son into his campus apartment. Before we left to go back home, we ate lunch at one of our favorite restaurants. As I walked in, there were a number of people forming a line to put their name on the waiting list for a table.  I was third in line when suddenly, this women pushed right in front of me.  I was hot, tired and hungry; however, I wasn’t about to get into a pushing match over who got there first. I decided to just let it go.

 

When the pushy woman got to the front of the line, the hostess informed her that she would need to wait 10 minutes for a table. The woman moved to the side and I was now front and center. I waited for the hostess to tell us how long we would be waiting, but instead, the hostess grabbed three menus and said, “Right this way”.  The woman looked shocked as she watched us get seated at our table before her.  I whispered to the hostess how the woman had pushed in front of me to get seated first.  She replied, “then it worked out the right way”.

 

“What goes around comes around”. This time the saying really held true, but how often does it turn out the other way? When I was young, my mother used to say this to me when I was disappointed with an unkind boyfriend or something that didn’t seem fair. At the time, I truly believed her but as I got older, I realized that it doesn’t always work out that way. Individuals can be downright cruel and ruthless and they don’t necessarily get what’s coming to them in the end.  It’s just a reality of life. It doesn’t seem fair, but it happens nevertheless.

 

My son has a job where he gets commissioned on what he sells daily.  The employees are pressured to meet their sales numbers on a regular basis.  He discovered quickly that the reason some of the worker’s were doing so much better than him was because they were adding items to the customer’s bills without informing them of the charge. Management routinely looked the other way while this happened since everyone wanted to make their quota. My son stated that he refused to reach his number using this method— he would rather make a lot less money in a scrupulous manner.  I was proud of him for making this decision although it irritated him that his honesty translated to a much smaller paycheck.

 

Last week he called to share that an employee had been fired. Apparently the District Manager made an unscheduled visit to the site and discovered 10 pre-printed client forms filled out with the extra costs already included.  All it took was one client to complain to management that he had never agreed to the added fees. My son felt validated— he was rewarded for being an honest employee. What goes around comes around.

 

Many times in your life you will do the “right thing” and your behavior will go unnoticed. You will witness others taking part in downright ugly behavior that will appear to be rewarded.  The truth is that you have a choice as to how you want to live your life. Living it with honesty and integrity will not always win you the big prize. However, when you look in the mirror at the end of the day, you’ll feel good about the person looking back at you.  Not everyone can say that.  And in the end,  I believe what goes around, comes around.

 

Dealing With Difficult People

Have you ever had to deal with difficult people in your personal or professional life? I’m talking about someone that absolutely drives you wacky and brings out the worst in you! Maybe it’s that ONE individual that drives you so crazy at work that you’ve contemplated quitting your job. But here’s the problem with using that kind of exit strategy as a solution; difficult people are everywhere.

 

They’re part of our families, they live in our neighborhoods, and often share the cubicle beside us at work.  Because of this, learning to deal with these people is an important skill to master. Here are a couple tips to help you navigate the rough social terrain.

 

Try your best to keep the emotion out of your interactions. I know what you’re thinking; that’s easier said than done!  But the fact is, losing your temper will just escalate the situation and that’s the last thing you need! At work, a flaring temper can backfire on you and make it appear that you’re the “difficult one” in the relationship.

 

Try to understand what motivates this individual.  Attempt to understand the underlying reason for this individual’s behavior.  Once you’re aware of what truly motivates them to do what they do, you can develop some empathy for the individual. This, in turn, can help keep your emotions in check.  For example, maybe you have a co-worker that talks incessantly and it drives you bonkers. Looking beneath the surface, you might discover this is someone that’s lonely in his or her personal life and starved for human contact during the workday. This enables you to change your perspective on the situation.

 

Don’t waste time lamenting, talking and gossiping about this person. Talking about this person to others and how they’re driving you crazy is a natural reaction to this situation. However, if you’re spending every waking hour talking, thinking and stressing about this person, you need to reassess your priorities in life. Is this truly a valuable use of your time and energy? None of this behavior is going to change or improve the situation.

 

Reach out to someone you respect and trust to get their opinion. I once worked in a company where I clashed horrifically with a woman I’ll call Ann. I began to believe our relationship issues were my fault entirely, so I kept trying harder and harder to make it right. I reached out to a trusted individual that no longer worked in the company.  Before I said anything to her about the situation, she asked me if I worked with Ann. I asked her why and she went into a 10-minute tirade about how Ann drove her crazy until she finally left her job.  I immediately felt validated, which in turn made me feel energized to come up with strategies to deal with the situation. Talking with someone you respect helps you look at the situation objectively.

 

Assess what you CAN control in the situation, and what you can’t.  You can’t get control the fact that there are going to be certain times you’ll be forced to interact with this person. You CAN control whether you have boundaries with this individual.  For example, if you work with this person, you don’t HAVE to go out to lunch with her every day and you don’t HAVE to be friends with her outside of the workplace.  Limit the amount of time you interact with her during your day as much as possible.

 

Accept the fact that you’ll need to treat this person differently than the way you treat other people. You’re not going to be able to be “you” every time you’re in their presence. You’ll need to be aware of your boundaries, keep your guard up and careful about what you say in this person’s presence.

 

There will always be difficult people around us; it’s just a fact of life. However, learning how to interact with difficult people is an essential skill needed if you are striving to be happy, healthy and successful. I know you can do it, girlfriend!