Learning (and Unlearning) Experiences

My pug Miles and I were thoroughly enjoying our walk when we ran into a neighbor and her puppy.  The puppy was twice the size of Miles, but that never bothered Miles before. In his head, Miles thinks he’s the size of a Great Dane.  The two dogs had never met before, so we let them sniff each other and become acquainted.

 

It wasn’t long before the two of them started playing and running circles around each other.  It also wasn’t long before our two leashes were wrapped around the dogs and us.  As they became out of control and totally tied up, the other playful dog had Miles in a position where he couldn’t move. There was no slack on the leash and the puppy, totally in control, had him down on the ground. That’s when Miles, the always even-tempered, happy-go-lucky Pug became the devil dog.

 

Miles definitely made the first move and attacked. While he had been playing a minute ago, now he was growling and ferociously trying to bite.  The puppy reciprocated with the same behavior as we tried to control the situation.  I apologized profusely as I pulled my growling pug off the dog.  At that moment I felt like a mom that was apologizing for my son’s bad behavior.

 

As I left the scene of the crime and continued walking, I thought about the incident. I hadn’t ever witnessed that behavior before and I was perplexed. Miles was the most unaggressive animal on the planet. Everyone knows that Pugs, by nature, are not aggressive dogs.  And then it occurred to me.  Less than a year ago, we were taking a walk when a dog sitting in his own yard suddenly lunged at Miles.  He hardly saw it coming, and neither did I. It was terrifying to both of us. A couple hours later, I realized that he had a rather large wound and he ended up in surgery.

 

Even though Pugs have absolutely wonderful temperaments, Miles had learned a valuable lesson from the incident.  He now knew that he needed to be on his guard with every dog because they couldn’t be trusted.  His brain was now imprinted to approach each dog interaction with wariness and high alert; chances are, they will attack. Therefore, he now knew that at the first inclination of aggressiveness, he needed to attack to survive.  Biology ruled this interaction.

 

Why am I sharing this with you?  Human brains process fearful situations in a similar way.  If you have experienced a situation from the past where you felt seriously threatened, that information has been stored away for future use. Your brain has imprinted this experience so you can protect yourself in the future.

 

So now I want you to think about your own life.  Have you ever been in a bad relationship that ended in a hurtful manner?  If you have, you probably had difficulty trusting and believing in a new relationship because of those old feelings popping up. Maybe it was the pain and trauma of being fired from a job that left your emotions raw. Because of it, you no longer can view your new employer in the same trusting manner. The truth is that you will never go back to that original person that you trusted so blindly.  You’ve had an experience that has changed you forever.  Instinctively, you now scan for clues to make sure that your situation is safe.

 

But here’s the good news.  Unlike Miles, you are not tied to your instinctual behavior.  You can recognize your behavior and learn to question your actions.  You can make sense of your reactions and remind yourself that you don’t have to respond in such an intense, aggressive manner.

 

The bottom line is that you’re lucky. Unlike Miles, you can choose how you want to view the world and react to your surroundings. You can move forward in life and change the way you think. Do it!

The Gift of Kindness

Every single time I do my grocery shopping, I seem to end up in the same checkout lane.  The first time I went through, I noticed that the young man ringing me up didn’t acknowledge me— he just focused on the groceries and did his job.  I have to admit; I felt irritated with his lack of acknowledgement since I’m a big believer in customer service. When it came time to pay, he looked up at me and read the total purchase amount.  That’s when I made the realization that he was hearing impaired. I immediately felt remorse for my hasty judgments.

 

As weeks went by, I became used to seeing this young man during my shopping trip. The experience was always the same; he was a man of few words but did a very thorough and quick job.

 

A few days ago, I went to the same store to do my shopping and proceeded to the checkout lane.  However, this time I noticed a woman working my lane.  When I edged closer to the front, I noticed that the young man was now bagging the groceries. Why wasn’t he working the register anymore?  I immediately searched for reasons why they would have moved him from checking out to bagging.  Did people complain about the experience?  The woman had to help a clerk two lanes down, so the young man jumped in to take over her responsibilities. When she came back, he quietly moved back to bagging.

 

The woman thanked him for taking over and he nodded. I felt compelled to say something.  As he looked up for a minute, I told him how thorough and unbelievably quick he was at his job. He looked me directly in my eyes and then smiled from ear to ear.  He didn’t lose his smile while he focused on bagging my groceries with renewed passion and energy.  It was not lost on me that he was working even harder to please me. When he finished bagging, he looked directly at me, waiting, hoping for another compliment.  Of course, I gave him one.

 

You see, usually I focus on watching my groceries being rung up. It’s Sunday, I’m tired, and I truly don’t want to think or say much. I’m thinking about other things and frankly, I’m off the clock.  I’m sure many of you can relate to this.  However, on this particular day, I looked into the eyes of someone that desperately needed some validation.  Today, I scanned the face of someone that just needed the affirmation that, in the whole scheme of things, the work they do truly does matter.  Their work has value.

 

We often underestimate our own power to make a change in the world around us.  Can we really make an impression in someone’s life with just a comment or a look? Can we really make a difference in someone’s universe in a couple minutes of time? The answer is yes.

 

This holiday season, don’t get so bogged down by shopping, entertaining, and gift-wrapping that you miss the true point. Make someone’s day with the best gift you can give— your kindness.

Asking For It

The first time he mentioned it, we were in the middle of a pleasant conversation.  We were talking about getting a gym membership and my son worked it into the conversation. “You should consider letting me have your treadmill,” he said.  Then he continued, “You guys aren’t using it at all. I bet you haven’t used that thing for a couple of years. Do you think that you could get Dad to agree to give it up?”  I knew how my husband felt about giving up his treadmill or any of his possessions. He becomes attached to things. Somehow, just having it take up space in our extra bedroom makes him happy.

 

I responded with, “You’ll have to ask your Dad about that one.”  My first thought was that I had absolutely no problem letting the treadmill go— but it took two votes to make it happen.  He continued with his persuasive skills and shared how it would be very convenient for him to workout at the end of the day.  He stated that it would make his life so much easier and would offer him the ability to work off steam so he could tackle his academic work.

 

Two weeks later, we were having a nice talk when the conversation turned to working out.  “Have you and dad discussed the treadmill?”  I replied that I had forgotten about it the minute we got off the phone.  “The weather is getting really cold and it would be so much easier to run on the treadmill inside. I have the perfect place for it now that we’re in the new apartment.” I asked him how he would get the treadmill to his house and he had the perfect answer. “I can come get it with a rented truck.”

 

Yesterday, I was asking him what he and his girlfriend need or want this year, and he gave me a couple ideas of what they could use. Then he continued, “You know, that treadmill would make a great gift. We could both make use of it during the next couple months.”

 

After I got off the phone, I began thinking about the treadmill.  But more than the treadmill itself, I was thinking about his strategy in acquiring it. His ability to see beyond the “NO” was just astounding!  Each time that we had discussed the possible acquisition of the treadmill, I had either said no or gave no response. He had called his dad and his dad had said no.  But that didn’t deter him.  He just kept on going, weaving this into each conversation in a very natural way.  He never came on too aggressive to the point where I was irritated.  We just discussed it enough that it started to sound like a good idea.  Not only that, but it started to sound like an idea that was going to happen.

 

Yes, now that I think about it, we could all use some lessons from Zach.  He has perfected the art of asking for the sale. He doesn’t back down from his no while reminding the person why they need to make this good decision.  A strategy that makes the other person realize that not only should they buy into the idea, but they’ll feel “darn good” about buying into the idea.

 

If you’re in business, take heed to this— internalize this principle.  Most individuals don’t get the deal because they think no really means no. But no should really mean, “I might be convinced in the near future, but right now I can’t commit.”

 

Zach had a long-term strategy to closing this deal.  He needed to finesse the situation and keep his eye on the goal.

 

Whether you’re building your business, working in sales, or just trying to win that promotion, you’ll eventually need to ask for it.  And, chances are, you’ll be shot down the first time around.  But remember to do a “Zach” and keep focused on your goal. Be patient, keep your eye on the prize and remind them of why it’s the absolute best decision they can make.

How To Survive the Holiday Season

I spent Thanksgiving Day in Columbus with my whole family.  As expected on this holiday, there was way too much to eat and drink.  Fully stuffed and thankful, we got back on the road and headed toward Cincinnati.  We passed the outlet mall at about 10:00pm and were shocked (or maybe not so shocked) to see the crowded parking lot and the policeman controlling the heavy traffic.  There was a long line of cars that snaked around the ramp just off the freeway.  Are there really that many people that want to go shopping at 10:00 at night?  Are they afraid they’re missing out if they wait until the next day?

 

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS HERE!

 

I know there are many people that would call what I witnessed “a good time”, but it looked extremely stressful and tiring to me.  I find the long lines, hurried impatient people, and the inability to find a parking space way too much for my taste. It all reminds me of just how stressful this season can be. In lieu of this phenomenon, I’ve worked on a few suggestions that you might find helpful.

 

If you strive to make the holiday festivities perfect, beware: that idea is not rooted in reality.

I gave up this belief many years ago.  Often, we get stuck on giving the perfect gift or the hosting perfect holiday dinner. One little thing goes wrong, and the whole day is ruined.  Our expectations are often out of kilter considering the true importance of the situation. Here’s a secret— our loved ones don’t need things perfect. For example, my sister had Thanksgiving at her house. She was stressed because she had just broken her ankle and wouldn’t be able to do everything.  She whispered to me, “I might buy some prepared foods at the grocery store”.  She viewed this as a real failure and felt guilty and stressed.  I reminded her that it didn’t matter; all that mattered was that we had dinner together.  No, it wasn’t perfect, but it was still a wonderful Thanksgiving.

 

Just having traditions is more important than what they actually entail.  Don’t get stressed out and stuck on the thought that your traditions have to be grandiose. You would be surprised at what people end up remembering in life.  I have adult kids, and they end up fondly remembering some of the rituals that seemed so miniscule to me.   What’s important is that your family has some rituals, spends quality time together and tries to make it fun.

 

Don’t try to compete with memories or the way it “should be”. 

Chances are, you remember some things from the past that you want to repeat for your family. Here’s a little hint about memories: sometimes we remember them a little different than how they actually happened.  Refrain from trying to compete with past holidays— they may never be able to measure up.  Live in the NOW and enjoy your time with family and friends in the present.

 

Take time for You during this holiday season. 

This is probably the most important thing you can do.  During this time, you’re focused on everyone else BUT you. The parties, the shopping, and all the family get-togethers will wear on you.  Now and then, take a few minutes and do some soul searching.  Tap into your emotions and see how you’re feeling.  Do you need some time alone to decompress?  Take part in whatever activity it is that helps you get grounded and centered again: walking, listening to music, or reading.  Listen to You and heed the warning when your body and soul say, “I need a time-out!”

 

Do me a favor. Please try to enjoy these next few weeks— minus the stress.  Make this the best holiday season ever.