Long-Term Solutions

I was having a conversation with a friend at the gym this morning.  We were talking about our children and our lives, and that led to a conversation about relationships.  She shared that she knew someone that was in a bad marriage and had been for years.  She wasn’t sure why this friend stayed in this relationship, but lately, the friend had been telling her about another man that was paying attention to her.  This new infatuation took up a lot of space in her head and the whole thing really bothered my friend.

 

She didn’t understand why this woman was turning to someone else when she had a current relationship that obviously needed attention.  I agreed with her.  Frankly, I’ve seen this same scenario play out over and over with numerous relationships.  Instead of dealing with the situation at hand and facing the uncomfortable truth, many turn to other people to give them what they’re missing.  Common sense tells you that this isn’t going to turn out positively.  Eventually, the whole thing is going to combust and the problems are going to be bigger and harder to solve.  But doing this in the short-term is easier and not as painful.

 

Which leads me to this thought: why do people choose to handle their issues with short-term fixes that feel good instead of dealing with the problem?  I’m not just referring to relationships— I see the same pattern with women and their choices in their careers.  They take the job that pays more initially over the job that has potential and fits their skills better.  The extra money sounds really good and is an immediate fix.  They can’t imagine getting by on less money, even if it means down the road, they could very well have the job of their dreams.  They can’t visualize changing careers and doing what they love because they would have to start over financially and emotionally. All they can see is the long road ahead, which is hard, so they stay exactly where they are.

 

I see it when people are grappling with the decision to start a business.  Starting a business is a major sacrifice in your life. Chances are, you’ll be strapped for money, overworked, and deal daily with frustration.  Success won’t happen overnight and you have to be willing to wait to reap the benefits.  That “sure thing” paycheck seems like a much easier route to take.  It’s the owners that hang in there and are willing to keep working toward their far-away goal that find eventual success.

 

What I’m asking you to do is to think about your own life.  Is there an area of your life where you can’t bear to do the hard work?  Is it a relationship, career, or friendship?  Is it your health?  Is that piece of cake your short-term fix to feel better when you really need to do that one-hour workout at the gym and lose 10 pounds?  Do you find yourself giving in to your kid and letting him have that toy in the store because it’s easier than saying no and surviving the anger and rejection (and tantrum) that will follow the decision?

 

I’m suggesting that you stop putting band-aids on your problems.  There’s no quick way to make a million dollars.  There’s no secret way to instantly lose 20 pounds.  Your obstacles are not going to go away without some long-term planning and hard work. Stop doing what “feels good” in the short-term and face the issue at hand.  In the long run, this is the real recipe for happiness and success.

4 Tips for Health and Happiness

I’ve had a rough two weeks. At the beginning of last week, I came down with some sort of viral bug that eventually turned into bronchitis.  By this week, I was hit with some mysterious stomach bug that totally incapacitated me for 24 hours. I am now left with zero energy.  However, in the spirit of seeing my glass half full, I’ve had some revelations about the experience and realized I’ve learned a thing or two that I’d like to share.

 

Lesson #1: When you can’t push yourself anymore, it’s OKAY to stop.

 

Honestly, this one is hard for me. You see, I suffer from that malady of “I just need to finish this last thing and then I can quit”. I pride myself as someone who’s full of energy, but at some point last week, my brain stopped working and my body stopped doing what I commanded it to do. I finally had to say to myself, “Just stop working so hard and be good to you”. Sitting at your computer and just staring at the screen is not really productive and almost downright dumb.  I finally began to listen.

 

Lesson #2:  It’s OKAY to ask people for help now and then.

 

Tuesday, when I was suffering from the ugly stomach bug from hell and even water seemed to irritate the lining of my stomach, I hit a point of no return. I truly thought I was dying.  I pride myself on being tough, but I had had enough. I called my doctor’s office and pleaded for them to call in a prescription.  Then I called my very good friend, who was home sick with a bad cold. I begged her to pick up my drugs. This is unlike me since my normal mode of operation is to be concerned that I’m putting someone else out. She ran there and back in no time and was happy to help me.

 

Lesson #3:  Things don’t always go as planned, so just ride the wave.

 

I already shared that I was dragging and not feeling my perky self. This concerned me since I had a big presentation scheduled this week.  No one wants to listen to a speaker that lacks enthusiasm and energy.  Anyway, because I was out of sorts this week, I wasn’t prepared and organized.  Once I got to the event, it became apparent that I had forgotten the appropriate adaptor for my computer. After much discussion, I ran out of the event, went all the way home, grabbed the adaptor and drove back.  During the trip, I chastised myself for being so irresponsible and a bit frazzled.  And then I immediately thought— get over it.

 

Lesson #4:  Three hours of the show Millionaire Matchmaker is three hours too much.

 

I know this is a strange lesson to learn, but I learned it nevertheless.  When the evil stomach bug hit, I was too sick to care what was on the television.  I didn’t have the energy to lift my arm and change the channel.  It just so happens that “Millionaire Matchmaker” is on Bravo in the afternoons and on that particular day, they showed three episodes back to back.  I can attest to the fact that three hours of the pathetic people on that show is way too much to ask of anyone!

 

Everywhere I go, people are telling me stories about being sick.  It’s not fun but you certainly don’t have to make it harder on yourself by insisting on running full speed ahead. Trust me, this attitude will eventually backfire. Please be good to YOU and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Listen to Yourself

You might find this strange, but I really do enjoy it when my husband travels and I have the whole house to myself. I don’t have to be on any sort of schedule, which means I can make dinner for myself anytime I want. I can eat anything that appeals to me; if I feel like having breakfast for dinner, I just do it.  I watch television programs that would irritate everybody else but me and I change the channel every 5 minutes.  I can talk to my cats and my dog and no one thinks I’m the least bit odd.

 

The best part of this whole scenario is the following: I do my best thinking when I’m home alone.  When I have the house all to myself, it’s finally silent.  With the quiet, I can fully hear what’s going on inside my head.  I can finally feel, without any distractions, what I’m truly feeling. I can make sense of the things that have been bothering me and let go of the stuff that’s holding me back. I also become clear on what I want to accomplish in life.

 

I wasn’t always this way.  When I knew that I was going to be home alone, I would furiously schedule numerous things to fill my time. I would map out my daily itinerary and make plans with friends for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I would run from thing to thing for fear of being alone.  Now that I’m looking back, I wonder, what was I running from?

 

I’ve noticed a number of clients that seem to follow the same routine.  They overschedule, filling their days and nights with numerous commitments.  They run from one event to the next, filling every hour with lots of people. Their biggest fear is hearing that silence.  You know, that moment when you stop running and just  “listen” to YOU.

 

So, think about that one for a minute, because here’s the absolute truth: in order to grow and develop as an individual, you need to take the time to listen to you.  Until you slow down and start listening to what you’re feeling and thinking, you’re not going to understand what you need, what you want and how to take that information and move forward.

 

What might be at the core of this need to run is the fear of being so close to your feelings. Are you afraid of what that might be?  Do you try to avoid that feeling of being sad, lonely, angry or scared? The only way to get past this is to face it head on.  Just get up the courage and walk through to the other side. That doesn’t mean you should mask that feeling with more people, more food or a few too many glasses of wine.  It means doing the hard work and allowing that feeling to wash over you.  Accept it for what it is. Don’t judge, just observe the emotion.

 

The next time you get the chance to spend some time alone, go for it.  Seize the opportunity to learn more about you. Get clarity on what you want your life to look like going forward and then take action.

Passive-Aggressiveness

According to the dictionary, passive-aggressive behavior is a category of interpersonal interactions characterized by an obstructionist or hostile manner that indicates aggression.  In more general terms, people that exhibit passive-aggressiveness express this in non-assertive, subtle ways.

 

I hit the gym especially early this week since I was very busy with appointments. I was happy to see an old friend I hadn’t connected with for some time.  I took my spot on the elliptical machine and was glad to see that she was close enough to have a conversation with. The time began to fly by as we caught up on various current events.  Suddenly, I noticed a man on the other side of my friend. As we continued to talk, I saw that he was imitating us.  He was moving his mouth in a silent mimic of the two of us talking.  Out of the corner of my eye, I continued to monitor his actions. Off and on, he would make hand signals of people yapping and silently imitate talking.

 

Apparently, our conversation was bothering him.  He continued to grimace, roll his eyes and make faces of unhappiness.  At one point, he tried to get the attention of one of the workers and mouth to him how we were annoying him.  He was aware I was watching him, which did nothing to squelch his quest for more.  At one point, he talked out loud to himself but I couldn’t quite make out the words.  However, it didn’t really matter because the facial non-verbals told the whole story.

 

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.  Twenty minutes of this type of passive-aggressive behavior is enough for anyone to endure.  Firmly but without emotion, I said, “ You know Joe, you could put on some headphones if our talking is bothering you”.  He pretended like he didn’t hear me and got very quiet.

 

And that’s the end of the story.

 

I am pretty sure that at some point in your life, you have experienced this type of behavior.  Maybe you have experienced it in your own family or perhaps you’ve seen this play out at work.  Whenever this occurs, there are a couple things you need to keep in mind about the person indulging in the act:

 

1.  Individuals that tend to have passive-aggressive behavior have learned to utilize this pattern to get what they want in life. They have an inability to handle situations in a more direct manner.  Therefore, they often use smirks, off-handed comments and sarcasm to get their point across if they’re irritated.  You know when you’ve hit on one of these characters when they zing something at you and you have to actually think about whether it was an insult or not.  Deep down, they feel that this method is actually preferable to being direct and hurtful.

 

2.  If you want this behavior to stop, you need to handle it when it occurs.  The passive-aggressive individual doesn’t want to be “called out” in front of others since they aren’t comfortable dealing with situations directly.  Leave the emotion at home, and firmly question the behavior.  Over time, this behavior will only escalate if not dealt with appropriately.  If any of you are dealing with this in your own life, you know exactly what I mean.

 

Dealing with an individual that is passive-aggressive can be draining and frustrating. If you find yourself putting up with this behavior, nip it in the bud now before it grows to gargantuan proportions.  I’m thinking it just might be a little too late for my friend at the gym.