The Blame Game

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When I was engaged, I had a talk with my future husband about my birthday.  I explained to him what birthdays were like in my house growing up.  My parents never overindulged us with presents— there wasn’t a lot of money.  However, I was always treated very special. I would wake up in the morning to my mother singing Happy Birthday and could request the cake of my choice. We always celebrated out at a restaurant where I could order whatever I wanted.

 

Anyway, I informed him before we were married that in order for me to be happy, I needed to be treated special on my birthday. I didn’t need extravagant presents, I just needed to be treated special. I explained to him in detail what that entailed.

 

I’m sure it’s no surprise to find out that in 32 years of marriage, I’ve never been disappointed on my birthday.  He has never forgotten the day and has always made me feel special. Therefore, my expectations have always matched my actual reality.

 

When I think back to different phases of my life, I can’t recall too many times where my expectations weren’t in sync with my reality. My ability to verbalize what I needed in my personal and professional life led me to being happy with the outcome.

 

I have come to the realization that much of our disappointment and unhappiness in life surrounds this notion of having expectations.  A person is capable of spending way too much time focusing on how their reality isn’t what they expected in their career and personal life.  But just like my birthday story, each one of us has equal opportunity to seize control of our own chunk of happiness.  The answer is simple: you can state clearly what you want and need in life.

 

Doesn’t this seem like such a simple solution to a problem?  All you have to do is state what you expect and need in life.  If this is so simple, why is this so difficult? Why do we play so many games, waiting to see if people are going to deliver what we need?  Why are we so afraid to tell people what we want?

 

The first step to assessing your own ability in this area is to be totally honest. How often do you find yourself unhappy because you expected more? Do you state clearly in your career what you need or do you expect others to figure it out?  Do you tell your friends and family what you need to be happy or do you find yourself complaining because someone has let you down?

 

And here’s the million-dollar question— do you find that this is a recurring theme in every facet of your life?  Do you keep wanting and hoping for things, expecting others to just know, and then are you disappointed in others actions and your own consequences?

 

If this mirrors your life in any way, I want you to know that all is not lost.  You can always change your behavior, which will certainly change your life.  If you haven’t shared what you need and want consistently in your life, then you should hold YOU accountable for not getting what you want. Realize that you hold the key in your relationship with your boss, your employees, or your family members. Stop playing the blame game and accept responsibility for your own situation.

 

 

A Fresh Perspective

 

The day it happened was one of the coldest days of the year.  I believe we broke numerous records for wind chill and temperature.  As you can imagine, I dreaded going out in the bitter cold, but I had an appointment waiting for me.

 

Anyway, in all my excitement, my ski coat hit the car console and changed the radio station to AM radio.  All of the sudden, I was hit with the sound of loud static and talk radio.  Where was my top 40 station?  While I continued to drive, I tried to figure out what exactly I had done to my radio and how I could remedy the situation.

 

I fiddled with the knobs and my technologically advanced screen, searching for the FM button, to no avail.  At every red light, I studied the console, pushed at the buttons and searched for the answer. I even tried to recreate how I had originally hit the radio, but even that didn’t help me.

 

I’m embarrassed to say that this went on for four days.  Like clockwork, I went through the same process, prodding at buttons, searching on the screen and scanning the console for the FM button that would solve all my problems. When I arrived at my destination on the fourth day, I decided on another tactic to solve this problem.

 

I pulled up to the gym and put my car in park.  I reached over to the glove compartment and pulled out my car manual.  I might add at this point that I did feel a little foolish, but I was frustrated and tired of the whole process.  The manual showed illustrations of the different buttons on the console, including the radio.  There, in the picture, was the large button for FM, located beneath the radio.  I pulled my focus away from the book and looked at my car’s console.  I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that the large button for FM was exactly where the manual said it would be.  Frankly, it was in plain sight and easy to see.  If I felt foolish before, I truly felt like an idiot now.

 

I was at Panera the other day and I was making myself a cup of tea.  I overheard the women at the counter asking why they didn’t have herbal tea anymore.  She insisted that it wasn’t there. I spoke up and told her to come over so I could help her find it.  She was shocked to see it when I pointed it out to her and she shared that she felt foolish.  She couldn’t believe that she had stared at it forever and didn’t see it. It was so easy to see now.

 

I chuckled and told her I knew exactly how she felt.  I shared with her that sometimes we don’t see things that are right in front of our eyes. She agreed and walked away.

 

We’ve all had those experiences. Our perceptions are so often colored by our expectations, our past experiences, and our preconceived ideas. My friend at Panera EXPECTED the tea to be in different packaging— therefore, every time she scanned the tea, she didn’t see what she needed.  My experience with my FM radio was affected by my preconceived idea that the answer was either on my screen or on either side of the radio.  I never looked BENEATH the radio.

 

Sometimes, we miss the most obvious things, and afterwards we wonder how we could have failed so miserably. In life, the answers are often right in front of our eyes, but we’re working so hard to find the answer that we make it a much more complicated process than it needs to be. Maybe we need to just open our minds and see it from a different perspective.