Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Asking For It

The first time he mentioned it, we were in the middle of a pleasant conversation.  We were talking about getting a gym membership and my son worked it into the conversation. “You should consider letting me have your treadmill,” he said.  Then he continued, “You guys aren’t using it at all. I bet you haven’t used that thing for a couple of years. Do you think that you could get Dad to agree to give it up?”  I knew how my husband felt about giving up his treadmill or any of his possessions. He becomes attached to things. Somehow, just having it take up space in our extra bedroom makes him happy.

 

I responded with, “You’ll have to ask your Dad about that one.”  My first thought was that I had absolutely no problem letting the treadmill go— but it took two votes to make it happen.  He continued with his persuasive skills and shared how it would be very convenient for him to workout at the end of the day.  He stated that it would make his life so much easier and would offer him the ability to work off steam so he could tackle his academic work.

 

Two weeks later, we were having a nice talk when the conversation turned to working out.  “Have you and dad discussed the treadmill?”  I replied that I had forgotten about it the minute we got off the phone.  “The weather is getting really cold and it would be so much easier to run on the treadmill inside. I have the perfect place for it now that we’re in the new apartment.” I asked him how he would get the treadmill to his house and he had the perfect answer. “I can come get it with a rented truck.”

 

Yesterday, I was asking him what he and his girlfriend need or want this year, and he gave me a couple ideas of what they could use. Then he continued, “You know, that treadmill would make a great gift. We could both make use of it during the next couple months.”

 

After I got off the phone, I began thinking about the treadmill.  But more than the treadmill itself, I was thinking about his strategy in acquiring it. His ability to see beyond the “NO” was just astounding!  Each time that we had discussed the possible acquisition of the treadmill, I had either said no or gave no response. He had called his dad and his dad had said no.  But that didn’t deter him.  He just kept on going, weaving this into each conversation in a very natural way.  He never came on too aggressive to the point where I was irritated.  We just discussed it enough that it started to sound like a good idea.  Not only that, but it started to sound like an idea that was going to happen.

 

Yes, now that I think about it, we could all use some lessons from Zach.  He has perfected the art of asking for the sale. He doesn’t back down from his no while reminding the person why they need to make this good decision.  A strategy that makes the other person realize that not only should they buy into the idea, but they’ll feel “darn good” about buying into the idea.

 

If you’re in business, take heed to this— internalize this principle.  Most individuals don’t get the deal because they think no really means no. But no should really mean, “I might be convinced in the near future, but right now I can’t commit.”

 

Zach had a long-term strategy to closing this deal.  He needed to finesse the situation and keep his eye on the goal.

 

Whether you’re building your business, working in sales, or just trying to win that promotion, you’ll eventually need to ask for it.  And, chances are, you’ll be shot down the first time around.  But remember to do a “Zach” and keep focused on your goal. Be patient, keep your eye on the prize and remind them of why it’s the absolute best decision they can make.

Self-Esteem Quick Fixes

The other day, I came across an article that promised to give women instant confidence and self-esteem in 4 easy steps. Now don’t get me wrong— I highly support all measures to improve self-esteem. However, I’m just a bit skeptical that you can see results in a few hours of time.

 

The truth is that it takes a lifetime to build self-esteem.  You can’t build confidence and self-esteem by listening to a speaker or reading an article about self-esteem. If only it was that easy! Confidence and self-esteem are developed by the consistent actions and behaviors of an individual over a period of time.

 

So what can you do if you’re struggling with confidence?

 

Get to know YOU better.  There’s no way around this one; the key to building self-esteem is getting to know you and understanding what you need to be happy. Are you in touch with who you really are and what you need in life to be fulfilled? Are you aware of your skills, talents and passions and are they a part of your daily life?  I call this “living your life with genuinity”(my own term). Once you live your life true to you, you will feel comfortable and confident in your own skin.

 

Set a goal and accomplish it.  It seems pretty simple, doesn’t it?  You would be surprised at the number of women that go through life without actually defining certain goals they would like to reach.  The thing is that every time you are able to focus on a certain task and meet that expectation, you gain a little more confidence.  You feel a little more certain that the next goal you work on can also be met. No matter what the age, you never outgrow the need to raise and set the bar to reach another accomplishment.

 

Incorporate exercise into your life.  I’m a pretty firm believer that exercise is key for every woman that wants to feel good about herself.  You don’t have to aspire to attain the perfect body— you just need to move on a daily basis. The feeling of becoming physically stronger actually makes you feel mentally stronger.  On top of that, the endorphins released during exercise only add to that good feeling.  Suddenly, you are walking a little straighter with confidence. You feel good about you!

 

Face your fears. In order to feel good about you, get outside your comfort zone and really stretch yourself! This is where self-esteem gets a real boost. What’s ironic about this is that you might stay with what’s safe in life because you don’t want to fail; which you feel would lead to you feeling bad about you. However, the opposite is actually true— the more you stay safe, the less confident and self-assured you become.  It doesn’t feel good to know you don’t have the guts to challenge yourself.  If this sounds familiar, push yourself to take the plunge. The process of facing your fears is a huge step into self-esteem territory.

 

Find your voice. Take a good look at your life. Are you a pleaser?  Do you try to make everyone happy?  Do you feel people take advantage of you at work, or in friendships? Then you need to address this immediately and learn how to have healthier physical and emotional boundaries.  Until you do this hard work, you will struggle with self-esteem. Your ability to be able to articulate what you need, without worrying what others think, is imperative to your confidence level and self-worth.

 

This is what I want you to remember: building self-esteem is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight. It comes with having experiences coupled with consistent work to better understand “YOU”.  It happens when you have a vision of what you specifically need to be happy and you then take action to live that life.