health – Workplace Resilience

What Truly Matters

My husband and I recently drove up to Chicago for the 4^th of July weekend. We took our bikes with us so we could go for rides on trails throughout the city.

We had also mapped out where we were going to eat for all three dinners. The first night would be at one of our favorite seafood houses that we frequent every year. My husband had received a coupon that gave us $25.00 off, which made the restaurant even more appealing. As we began to order, my husband realized that he had forgotten the coupon back in Cincinnati.

It seemed ridiculous to not take advantage of this opportunity, so we brainstormed on how to solve the problem. Finally, he remembered that his ipad was back at the hotel and he could access the coupon from there. We decided that he would walk back to the hotel, which was only a few minutes away.

Left alone with my glass of wine, I retrieved my phone and became engrossed in email and the internet for a while. With the dining tables situated so close together and nothing of extreme importance to distract me, it was difficult not to overhear the very loud conversation next to me. A couple had ordered drinks from the bar and was not happy with them.

After a closer listen, I realized that they were unhappy because the drinks were served in glassware that was very different from what they had anticipated. The taste of the drink was fine, yet they felt that their specialty margarita drink should come in the conventional glass used in other restaurants. Finally, they called the manager over to complain.

The manager politely told them that the glass in which they had received their drink was their traditional glass for that restaurant. They didn’t even have any other glasses to use for a drink. He went on to explain that the glasses utilized for all drinks fit the style and era of the restaurant. He offered to supply them with a different drink that might make them happy but they declined and continued to dispute the glass dilemma.

Remember, they had no issue with the taste of the drink. They were unhappy with the glass. They were stuck on this minor issue for a long, long time.

From my perspective, they took a perfectly wonderful dinner and found a way to put a damper on it. In the grand scheme of things, the glass that your drink is served in is probably not a big deal. However, these two were able to get a lot of mileage out of this one snag in their evening. This led me to ponder how they would be able to handle an elephant-sized problem in their life.

Resiliency, happiness and health always come down to a few key things: being able to adapt and roll with the punches and having a keen sense of when it’s worthwhile to invest your energy in a situation or just let it go. This was one of those times where it was a complete waste of their energy and emotion.

Are you guilty of this same kind of behavior every now and then? If so, you might want to contemplate whether some changes are in order.

Every day, each moment that we are given in life is a gift. It’s time that we treat it as such.

The Illogical

“Deep in the human unconscious, is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.”

Frank Herbert

The day started the same as any other Saturday. I slept in, had a leisurely breakfast and made it to the gym by 8:45. Per our usual routine, my husband and I went out for lunch, ending up at House of Pancakes. The waitress brought us our omelets and my husband’s soda with ice. I became intensely involved in the process of eating.

And then it happened. I was startled out of my focused concentration by a loud crash. My first thought in my head was that I had clumsily hit over a glass on the table. “Did I just do that?” I said out loud. My husband replied no and I began to survey the situation. My brain had difficulty processing what I saw.

There, sitting on the edge of the table was a half of a glass. It had been split perfectly long ways and only one half was still on the table. There were ice cubes still sitting in the half of glass. This detail led me to search for the other half. Not finding it on the table, I looked down at the floor. There, sitting upright, with ice cubes spilling out, was the other half of the glass, still in one piece. I stared at it for a while and then looked up at my husband. “Did anyone touch that?” I said out loud. Again he replied no. Confused, I looked around me, searching for the answer. The people behind me were standing and staring at the table and then at the floor where the other half lie. Their eyes eventually came back to us confused. The man said laughing, “what were you thinking about?” as if my thoughts had shattered the glass.

Eventually, every table around me was staring at our table, and then staring at the ground. There eyes wide, they just surveyed the situation with a confused look.

The waitress and a busboy came over to clean up. “I’ve worked here a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like that. It just split perfectly in two pieces.” I reiterated again that no one had touched the glass. The waitress laughed and commented that maybe they had ghosts in the restaurant. Yes, I thought, maybe it was my mom sending me a message. Being a pragmatic person, that wasn’t the first thing that came to my mind. However, I was frantically searching for any reason that the strange incident had occurred. Frankly, I was coming up short-way short.

A couple hours passed and I went up to my office to do some work. I glanced down at my calendar and noticed the date for today. And then it dawned on me; it was my Mother’s birthday. My mind immediately went to the glass and then I shook it off. Again, my logical thinking refused to accept such illogical thinking.

I called my son later that day and told him the story of the glass. I stated that there was no logical explanation for the situation. Not even knowing it was my mom’s birthday, he blurted out, “Maybe it was grandma sending a message.” It shocked me to hear him suggest that.

We all have an intense need to make sense of our world. This gives us a sense of security and comfort in a sometimes-unpredictable universe. However, there’re times that they’re no clear-cut answers. There’s no logical explanation. And that’s O.K.

I choose to take comfort in the illogical.

“The appearance of things change according to the emotions; and thus we see magic and beauty in them, while the magic and beauty are really in ourselves.”

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Working Moms

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant was recently on the news, sharing his views on education and working moms. In front of a large crowd, he quoted the following—

“Our country’s education problems began when mothers went into the workplace in large numbers.” As you can imagine, he received incredible backlash for that thought. He later changed that statement to something a bit more palatable for the many dual career families in the audience.

There’s nothing new about the controversy surrounding moms working outside the home vs. moms working at home. In fact, when my own children were younger, I was surprised by the strong opinions on both sides of the fence. We’ve been having this battle about “what’s best for the kids” for a long time. However, the battle we really need to pay attention to is the one going on in our own heads.

I coach very successful career-minded women that juggle numerous responsibilities. They feel tremendous pressure to succeed in their careers and in their personal life. They are devoted to their families and every day is a struggle to make their lives run smoothly. My job involves helping them to identify their priorities in life and subsequently create a life that better reflects their priorities. That said, I’ve witnessed a mode of thinking that has become prevalent with successful career women— their need to not only succeed in their careers, but also be the absolute perfect parent.

So I guess the question becomes, what makes a perfect mother? Is it creating a homemade dinner every night for your family? Is it baking daily for your family or making a handmade Halloween costume for your child every year? Could it be getting your child involved in every extracurricular possible to ensure success in their life? Maybe it’s volunteering weekly in each one of your child’s classes at school?

I hear a lot of this faulty thinking with successful women. They struggle with guilt daily because of their inability to do everything they BELIEVE it takes to raise a successful child. Social Media just magnifies the guilt. On Pinterest, you can view the beautiful cakes that moms are making or the incredible craft projects. On Facebook, you can hear how a fellow mom’s child just received a 36 on her ACTS and another mom’s child just received a full scholarship to college. The pressure is on to show that you too can mold a child into a successful wonder. But, how can you do everything, and is that even realistic? Something eventually has to give, and most of the time it’s the woman’s own needs that go unmet.

I have raised two sons while working outside the home. Here’s what I know, having lived the experience as a Mental Health Therapist and a parent: Don’t get so lost that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Don’t lose sight of your true priorities. You want to raise a successful, confident, independent child that has integrity? Then give them the tools to achieve this. Give them unconditional love, rules to feel safe and your QUALITY TIME. When you’re with them, be present and listen. Make sure they feel that they can always come to you with a problem and you will help them think it through. Be a role model for your children and don’t be so stressed that you miss the opportunity to take advantage of those teachable moments.

Let go of the rest.

Let me be honest here— if I asked my kids what they remember from their childhood, they’re not going to mention the perfect meal, homemade cake, or the many hours I logged in their classroom. Those are great if you truly have the time to make it happen. However, They WILL mention the time I went hiking with them or the time I listened to them when they were going through a crisis.

So all you working moms out there— get your priorities straight and stop listening to the inside chatter. Be present in the times that truly matter.

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Working Moms

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant was recently on the news, sharing his views on education and working moms. In front of a large crowd, he quoted the following—

“Our country’s education problems began when mothers went into the workplace in large numbers.” As you can imagine, he received incredible backlash for that thought. He later changed that statement to something a bit more palatable for the many dual career families in the audience.

There’s nothing new about the controversy surrounding moms working outside the home vs. moms working at home. In fact, when my own children were younger, I was surprised by the strong opinions on both sides of the fence. We’ve been having this battle about “what’s best for the kids” for a long time. However, the battle we really need to pay attention to is the one going on in our own heads.

I coach very successful career-minded women that juggle numerous responsibilities. They feel tremendous pressure to succeed in their careers and in their personal life. They are devoted to their families and every day is a struggle to make their lives run smoothly. My job involves helping them to identify their priorities in life and subsequently create a life that better reflects their priorities. That said, I’ve witnessed a mode of thinking that has become prevalent with successful career women— their need to not only succeed in their careers, but also be the absolute perfect parent.

So I guess the question becomes, what makes a perfect mother? Is it creating a homemade dinner every night for your family? Is it baking daily for your family or making a handmade Halloween costume for your child every year? Could it be getting your child involved in every extracurricular possible to ensure success in their life? Maybe it’s volunteering weekly in each one of your child’s classes at school?

I hear a lot of this faulty thinking with successful women. They struggle with guilt daily because of their inability to do everything they BELIEVE it takes to raise a successful child. Social Media just magnifies the guilt. On Pinterest, you can view the beautiful cakes that moms are making or the incredible craft projects. On Facebook, you can hear how a fellow mom’s child just received a 36 on her ACTS and another mom’s child just received a full scholarship to college. The pressure is on to show that you too can mold a child into a successful wonder. But, how can you do everything, and is that even realistic? Something eventually has to give, and most of the time it’s the woman’s own needs that go unmet.

I have raised two sons while working outside the home. Here’s what I know, having lived the experience as a Mental Health Therapist and a parent: Don’t get so lost that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Don’t lose sight of your true priorities. You want to raise a successful, confident, independent child that has integrity? Then give them the tools to achieve this. Give them unconditional love, rules to feel safe and your QUALITY TIME. When you’re with them, be present and listen. Make sure they feel that they can always come to you with a problem and you will help them think it through. Be a role model for your children and don’t be so stressed that you miss the opportunity to take advantage of those teachable moments.

Let go of the rest.

Let me be honest here— if I asked my kids what they remember from their childhood, they’re not going to mention the perfect meal, homemade cake, or the many hours I logged in their classroom. Those are great if you truly have the time to make it happen. However, They WILL mention the time I went hiking with them or the time I listened to them when they were going through a crisis.

So all you working moms out there— get your priorities straight and stop listening to the inside chatter. Be present in the times that truly matter.

career confidence guilt happiness health Mental Health Therapist parent parenting priorities success working moms

Personality Tests

My husband came home from a week of job training that included test taking to discover personality traits. He was excited to share it with me and wondered if I had come across this assessment in my career. As he explained his results, he tried to ascertain where I would fall on this test’s continuum. I listened with amusement; he obviously took the whole process very seriously.

When I was in high school, I took a so-called career test to help me discover what I should do with my life. I waited with anticipation as the results were passed out to each one of us. I scanned the paper feverishly to find the key to my future. On the bottom of the page, it showed my results. I read the description of my future and slumped in my chair. According to the career inventory test, my perfect career was as a Nurses Aide. I’m not quite sure how this was decided, but I felt instantly depressed and defeated. To me, that seemed to be the farthest thing from who I was and what I wanted to do in life. As I processed this information, a thought popped in my head: Why do I think that this test knows what I want in life? Only I can decide who I am and what I will accomplish in my life. How dare that test tell me that being a nurse’s aide is my fate!

That experience was pivotal for me. It proved to me that tests are not always accurate and they should be treated as a guide and tool in the process of learning more about self. Below are a few reasons why I feel that these assessments sometimes fail to deliver.

You can answer the questions as your wishful self, instead of who you actually are. People are not always honest when they take a test. Sometimes, even though they’re instructed to give real answers, they can’t help but answer as the individual they desire to be in life, instead of how their traits and behavior actually play out. For example, maybe they believe only extroverts are successful in life. In lieu of this, they unconsciously slant their answers to convey this trait.

Some individuals don’t understand “self” well enough to answer appropriately. It comes down to knowing you. If you haven’t done your work to learn more about who you are, it’s very possible that your test won’t clearly reflect the true you. Many of the questions demand an individual to reflect on their own behavior, and some people just don’t see themselves very clearly. They may not be able to recognize some of their behaviors and actions in life.

The test results could change according to how you’re feeling about yourself. I remember taking a test at a time in my life where I was miserable in my career. According to the administrator, it was to reveal my strengths and my personality. If I shared the results, you would have one of the biggest laughs of your life. I wasn’t in a good place in my life, and that really came through in the results. I didn’t answer the questions like my usual self, and the results were quite skewed. Looking back now, I’m thankful that I didn’t take them to heart and build my life around them.

I use assessments daily in my coaching work. However, I see them as another tool to use in the process. Healthy discussion on key topics is often more helpful in uncovering the information that will help us find your path. Don’t put more trust in these assessments than they actually deserve.

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The Need to Please

Halfway through our 55-mile bike trip, my husband and I had stopped at a great café to eat lunch. I was looking forward to resting my body and to getting rejuvenated for the long trip back. I was also thirsty and out-of-my-mind hungry. Incidentally, when I reach this point of hunger, it doesn’t matter where or what I eat; I just need food. As we walked inside and saw tables available, the hostess informed us that it would be 15 minutes before we could get seated. That was my first clue that things wouldn’t go smoothly.

I immediately suggested that we go somewhere else. At that moment, I would have been more than happy to eat Subway in the grass. My husband reminded me that it wouldn’t be that long, and we could wait. Although we were seated after 15 minutes, we waited forever for the waitress to come to our table and take our order. Receiving our drinks took another long wait, and we were finally presented with tiny juice glasses. When you’re thirsty, this doesn’t serve you well.

The waitress didn’t acknowledge us for the next 45 minutes. Yes, that’s how long it took for us to receive our food. Not once did she give me any kind of sign that she understood my frustration. You can just imagine the level of my patience during this time. When we did receive our food, she didn’t bring my complete order. I hadn’t even noticed because, by that time, I was beyond hungry and delirious. I cleaned my plate within three minutes of it being set in front of me.

Looking back on the situation, I have a couple hard questions to ask myself. Why didn’t I articulate my concerns to the waitress during and after the experience? Why didn’t I speak up and remedy the situation? Where was my voice in this whole debacle?

I was working with a couple just a few years ago. The emotional woman shared that she was upset at her husband. When I inquired why, she stated how he never takes out the trash and that he expects her to do it. I asked her if she ever ASKS him to take out the trash. She replied with this statement, “He should know without me telling him.” When I asked the husband what he thought of this, he replied that he was sorry for upsetting her, but that he didn’t realize she wanted him to take out the trash.

I don’t want to point fingers at anyone, but women are notorious pleasers in life. Many of you were taught at a young age that it’s a good thing to just go with the flow, not make waves, and do what makes everyone happy. Somewhere back in your childhood, you probably received the inferred message that being a nice girl is a very positive attribute for a woman to possess. Let’s be honest— each one of you has some form of this toxic behavior that will negatively impact your personal and professional life.

I consider myself an assertive woman with sass— I’ve definitely found my voice. However, even I fall back into old patterns ingrained in my childhood. When I hold back because I hesitate to hurt other people’s feelings and upset them, this strategy ends up making me miserable and always has a poor outcome.

Keep in mind that there are a huge range of responses between rolling over and playing dead and being incredibly selfish and cruel. Find a place somewhere in the middle to call your own.

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Dr. Seuss

While perusing the web, I came across an image of Dr. Seuss and a picture of “Green Eggs and Ham.” That single image took me back to the years when I would read his many books to my boys. I remember how they had memorized every word even before they had learned how to read. I loved Dr. Seuss rhymes and enjoyed the books just as much as my sons.

What hadn’t occurred to me those many years ago was the insight and wisdom that Dr. Seuss possessed. Sure, the rhymes were catchy, but there was more to it than that. His perception into what truly mattered in life was pretty impressive.

So in honor of the Dr., I’d like to share some of his words of wisdom.

“You have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own and you know what you know. And you are the one that will decide where to go.” What an empowering statement! You are in control of your own destiny and are capable of anything you set your mind to. You know YOU better than anyone else. All you need to do is trust yourself and follow your heart. You have the control to shape your future and make things happen. The decision is yours.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” Isn’t that the truth? How often do we make things so much harder than they have to be? As a Women’s Success Coach, I can attest to the fact that often women make their decision-making process much more complicated than it has to be. Invariably, the process involves spiraling thoughts sprinkled with many “what-ifs”, even when the answer is right before their eyes.

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out” I understand why we would share this with our kids— we want our kids to be comfortable in their own skin and be true to who they are. However, let’s be honest here: I come across many women that are still struggling with this concept. They are trying to fit into the mold of other’s expectations, instead of being true to themselves. It’s so much easier to just be YOU!

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.” Of course you will! This is the number one reason the coaching process doesn’t end up working. You need to be willing to see that there could be an alternative way to approach life. You need to be willing to open yourself up and be vulnerable. Processing new information can change the way you see the world. You need to be open to CHANGE. It’s possible that a change can be the best thing that ever happened to you.

“You can get help from teachers but you are going to learn a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room.” Well said, Dr. Suess! Having an understanding of who you are and what you need in life comes with time spent alone. Many women fill every waking minute with activities because they’re scared to feel what’s going on inside of them. Take the time and become acquainted with you and what you need to be happy. That is the most important thing you can learn.

When he worked he really worked. But when he played, he really played. I want you to read this one again. I come across numerous women that work way too hard and have difficulty letting go and enjoying life. Dr. Seuss had it right; what’s the use of working so hard if you don’t get to reap the benefits? Be passionate in your work AND your play.

See what I mean? Take his words to heart and go after your dreams. These quotes are as relevant in your life today as they were when you were a child. Dr. Seuss believes in you (and so do I).

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Six Signs You Need to Leave

I’ve been there a couple of times in my career and I can still remember how horrible it felt. I’m talking about that feeling at work when there are too many hours in the day and days in the week. You’re constantly watching the clock and living for when you go on your next vacation. You are unhappy.

If anyone is experiencing those feelings right now, it could very well be a sign that you need to leave your job. Here are 6 similar signs that indicate you might need to make a change in your life as quickly as possible:

Your anxiety heightens the closer you get to your workplace.

Are you in a bad mood every Sunday because Monday morning work is fast approaching? Does your angst increase the closer you get to the office building? Do you get a pit in your stomach on your drive to the office? When just thinking about going to work makes you feel sick, heed the warning. These are all indicators that you’re in need of a major change in your life.

You spend a lot of time rationalizing why your job is perfect for you.

Actually, I speak from experience on this one. I remember spending the entire drive to work rationalizing why this job was good for me. The hours were great, I didn’t have to work that hard, and I made decent money. I also remember spending the whole drive home doing the exact same thing. The funny thing is, I never felt any better when I was done with this brain exercise. You know why? It’s because I wasn’t listening to my heart.

You’re easily bothered by even the smallest things at work.

When you’re at the wrong job, everything bugs you. Mary, in the next cubicle, gets on your nerves. John, your manager, irritates you because of his brown-nosing ways. You spend the days obsessing about these irritations and blow them way out of proportion. You spend the evenings rehashing the stories with all your friends and family. The more you talk, the worse you feel. You waste numerous hours ruminating about these silly interactions because you’re unhappy.

You’re jealous of your friend’s career and more.

You think that everyone is better off than you. Everyone has a better career, makes more money, goes on great vacations and has a better family situation. You might even have difficulty helping good friends celebrate accomplishments and happy times. When you’re really unhappy in your job, you have difficulty seeing reality. You view the world through dirty, dusty glasses.

Your energy level is lower than normal.

Not only is your energy level low, you just don’t feel so great. You keep trying to push yourself, but you certainly don’t feel like YOU! The stress level lowers your immune system and the constant anxiety is exhausting. Don’t underestimate how being in a job that feels like an uphill battle eventually takes a toll on your body, physically and emotionally.

You’re not doing your best work.

The truth is that you’re sliding by. You’re producing average work and getting through the days. No one really notices that you’re not doing your best and you rationalize that fact (see sign #2). However, not doing your best work feels horrible and does a number on your self-esteem. Not being challenged and able to fully utilize your strengths just doesn’t feel good.

If any of this sounds even vaguely familiar to you, then maybe you need to contemplate some changes. Don’t waste another day settling for this existence.

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