Let It Go

images kitten in mirror

 

I met a friend for lunch the other day.  As we talked, the conversation slowly turned to strong women “finding their inner sass”.  I was telling her about my presentation that I give on courage and confidence. During the talk, I spend time discussing why women struggle to find their voice.

 

I looked over at her and she had a funny look on her face.  I asked her what was confusing her— she stated that she can’t imagine that the women that she works with struggle with this concept of “finding your voice”. She shared that they are all strong women that are very clear on who they are and what they want in life.

 

I listened to her and reminded her that although she must work with some strong authentic women, there are still plenty that are working daily on this goal.

 

I thought about this off and on for the rest of the day.  After dinner, I went out to my car and began to clean it out. I found a big bin of supplies I had left in my car since I had last given a large presentation.  I brought it in the house and dragged it upstairs to my office.  I took out my props and then I saw the many crumpled pieces of paper covering the bottom of the bin.

 

During the presentation, I asked these very strong, professional women to think about the beliefs that were holding them back in life.  What are all those negative thoughts that come to mind when you’re feeling bad about yourself?  Those “go to” ones that swirl around in your head and play in an endless loop in your brain?  Most of the time, you rationally accept that they don’t define you, but when you’re at your most vulnerable, you believe every single word.

 

I asked each woman in the room to write them down on paper and ceremoniously let them go by throwing them in my bin.  I watched as the whole room got busy writing on their small pieces of paper and eagerly came to me as I walked around, dragging my bin.

 

Now, back to the present— I’m sitting on the floor of my office and seeing the many crumpled pieces of paper. I decided that I would take a look and see what the women had written.  What I found, devastated me.  One after another, each woman shared that they were not enough. They weren’t smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough.  Over and over and over I read the same exact words until I had cleaned out my whole bin.

 

I thought back to my friend and her comment about the strong women in her workplace.  They could never have a problem finding their own voice, right?  Wrong. Here was proof of what was really going on inside of all of us.  Yes, most of the time we know who we are, we’re successful, and we accomplish great things.  But down deep, way deep, there’s that constant nagging doubt that no matter what we accomplish, it just might not be ENOUGH.

 

Most of the time, you probably appear as if you have it together, you know what you want and you know where you’re going.  But if you’re brutally honest, you’ll admit that it’s sometimes a great illusion for others to witness. There are obviously still things that are holding of you (and even me!) back from true greatness and success. There are still doubts in each and every one of us that hold us back from unbridled happiness.

 

I believe that it’s time to let this go.

 

 

 

 

 

Let It Go

images kitten in mirror

 

I met a friend for lunch the other day.  As we talked, the conversation slowly turned to strong women “finding their inner sass”.  I was telling her about my presentation that I give on courage and confidence. During the talk, I spend time discussing why women struggle to find their voice.

 

I looked over at her and she had a funny look on her face.  I asked her what was confusing her— she stated that she can’t imagine that the women that she works with struggle with this concept of “finding your voice”. She shared that they are all strong women that are very clear on who they are and what they want in life.

 

I listened to her and reminded her that although she must work with some strong authentic women, there are still plenty that are working daily on this goal.

 

I thought about this off and on for the rest of the day.  After dinner, I went out to my car and began to clean it out. I found a big bin of supplies I had left in my car since I had last given a large presentation.  I brought it in the house and dragged it upstairs to my office.  I took out my props and then I saw the many crumpled pieces of paper covering the bottom of the bin.

 

During the presentation, I asked these very strong, professional women to think about the beliefs that were holding them back in life.  What are all those negative thoughts that come to mind when you’re feeling bad about yourself?  Those “go to” ones that swirl around in your head and play in an endless loop in your brain?  Most of the time, you rationally accept that they don’t define you, but when you’re at your most vulnerable, you believe every single word.

 

I asked each woman in the room to write them down on paper and ceremoniously let them go by throwing them in my bin.  I watched as the whole room got busy writing on their small pieces of paper and eagerly came to me as I walked around, dragging my bin.

 

Now, back to the present— I’m sitting on the floor of my office and seeing the many crumpled pieces of paper. I decided that I would take a look and see what the women had written.  What I found, devastated me.  One after another, each woman shared that they were not enough. They weren’t smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough.  Over and over and over I read the same exact words until I had cleaned out my whole bin.

 

I thought back to my friend and her comment about the strong women in her workplace.  They could never have a problem finding their own voice, right?  Wrong. Here was proof of what was really going on inside of all of us.  Yes, most of the time we know who we are, we’re successful, and we accomplish great things.  But down deep, way deep, there’s that constant nagging doubt that no matter what we accomplish, it just might not be ENOUGH.

 

Most of the time, you probably appear as if you have it together, you know what you want and you know where you’re going.  But if you’re brutally honest, you’ll admit that it’s sometimes a great illusion for others to witness. There are obviously still things that are holding of you (and even me!) back from true greatness and success. There are still doubts in each and every one of us that hold us back from unbridled happiness.

 

I believe that it’s time to let this go.

 

 

 

 

 

Overthinking Things

I was a terrible test taker during my undergraduate days.  It’s not that I didn’t study and prepare enough, because I definitely did that. By the time I was ready to take my test, I knew the material inside and out.  Yet the same pattern repeated over and over; if the test was multiple-choice, I ended up spending way too much time on each question.  After much analysis, I would be able to make a case for choice a, b, c and d all being the valid answers to the question.

 

I guess you could say that I was a deep thinker.  To put it another way, I was guilty of overthinking on a pretty consistent basis.  This enabled me to receive B’s and C’s on my tests when I really should have aced the exams.  I grasped all the concepts, but I just had a way of making the tests much more complicated than they had to be.

 

Many years later, I went back to receive my Masters in Social Work.  I was a bit worried about my Social Work Exam looming over my head since I had Post Traumatic Stress from test taking many years before. The test had a reputation for being extremely difficult and I didn’t know anyone that was able to get above a 75%. For two months I studied and studied, determined to pass the test.  I knew the material inside and out. This time, it was going to be different. I had a strategy— I was not going to overthink the test. I was going to go with the first answer that popped in my head and then quickly move on.  I repeated this to myself like a mantra as they read the instructions to us the day of the test. You see, my habits were quite ingrained and I knew that my only shot at passing was to intensely focus on this objective.

 

I whizzed through two hundred questions and didn’t go back to check my answers. I knew if I analyzed, it would be the kiss of death.  I was the first one to finish the test and leave.  When I stood up, everyone in the room shot me a look of terror.  They couldn’t believe I was done! I heard later that the next person left an hour after me. Of course, true to my overthinking, I spent the whole way home in the car thinking I most certainly didn’t pass the test.

 

If you’re wondering how it all turned out, I ended up getting the same passing grade as my friends that were there an hour after me.  My strategy worked and taught me a valuable lesson.

 

Women excel in the area of overthinking.  At some point, you’ve probably made a problem or situation in your life much more complicated than it truly had to be.  Your mind may work overtime, weighing options and searching for the absolute perfect answer.  You can even reach a point where you have “analysis paralysis”— overanalyzing a situation or decision to the point that no action is even taken.  It’s professional consensus that it’s healthy to take time to have a better understanding of self. However, there’s a fine line between attaining more self-knowledge and moving into rumination or thinking in circles.

 

Who doesn’t remember having deep conversations with your girlfriend about why the guy you were crazy about wasn’t calling you back?  I remember going on forever, analyzing the situation. Yet, looking back, the answer really didn’t need to be so complicated.  If he were really that interested, he would have called you back…end of story.

 

Overthinking takes a lot of energy. It can be exhausting, frustrating, and a pretty poor use of your valuable time. So maybe it’s time to find a different hobby— one that yields better outcomes. Keep things simple and give the overthinking a rest.