Revealing Reactions

I was in the home stretch of my walk with my Pug Miles. It was a cold day, and I had dreaded taking this walk the whole afternoon. Despite the cold, I was warming up as we walked briskly to the back of the neighborhood. When Miles was sufficiently tired, we made our way to the front and turned right on our street.

 

I was lost in thought, finding it ironic that what I had initially dreaded, had become an enjoyable experience. Out of nowhere, I heard yelling and commotion. Before I could react, I looked to my left and saw a large dog barreling toward us at a breakneck speed. A young boy followed, running as fast as his legs could carry him.

 

To paint a clearer picture, Miles is 11 years old and is not the most athletic dog, and his hearing leaves much to be desired. Pugs are passive dogs by nature and in all the years we’ve had Pugs, I’ve never seen one show any aggression. Basically, they’re wimps. As you can imagine, this other dog definitely had the advantage.

 

Miles didn’t anticipate a dog in the next few seconds invading his space.  Before I could react, the dog was attacking, growling, and ferociously biting at his neck.

 

What happened next surprised me. Guttural, horrible sounds were coming out of Miles. Once he got his bearings, he was aggressively attacking this large dog right back. I couldn’t pull them apart, and I was fearful that I was going to be bit by this dog in the process. Finally, the young boy secured his dog, apologized profusely, and left us to walk the rest of the way back home.

 

When I got home, I checked Miles everywhere to ensure that he hadn’t gotten bit anywhere. You see, this is not the first time Miles has been attacked by a dog. In the past, we have ended up at the vet getting stiches.

 

Reflecting on the experience, I realized that Miles had learned from his traumatic events that when in doubt, be aggressive. I have seen this side of him and questioned why his reaction was way too extreme and didn’t fit the situation. Not a normal response from a pug, but one that he learned from being in some harrowing circumstances.

 

And that’s my point to sharing this story.

 

Think about someone in your personal or professional life that you feel comes on a little too strong. Someone that with the most minor of slight, goes for the jugular. Maybe you refer to this person as being too high strung, or maybe too thin-skinned. Chances are that they have learned this response from their past experiences. They live by a belief system that says, “fight back quickly because people will hurt you” or “people will always take advantage of you”. Therefore, they overcompensate when something happens and go from 0-60 when it doesn’t merit such a reaction.

 

Maybe as a leader, you have made judgments about this person without considering what’s beneath the quick response. Consider that just maybe this individual really isn’t quite as “mean” as you think, but they “bite back” when the circumstance doesn’t necessarily call for that reaction. Understanding and a productive conversation can lead to this person gaining more self-awareness and the ability to control their reactions.

 

Leave the judgment at the door and strive for positive change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perfectionitis

images perfection

A few years ago, I spoke to a large group of moms about finding happiness in life.  The audience was a diverse mix of mothers; ones that stayed home with their children and ones that combined a career with motherhood.  I have to admit that I received a number of really fabulous questions from the audience.  However, there’s one question that I can’t seem to ever forget.

 

I believe it best represents this idea of perfection that some people strive to achieve.

 

A woman in the back of the audience stood up and shared that no matter how productive she is during the day, she feels like a failure if she goes to bed and her floors aren’t clean.  She admitted that most nights, she lies in bed thinking about how she failed again because her floors are filthy.  She was exhausted for feeling this way but didn’t quite know what to do about it.

 

I asked her if she truly thought that when her kids grow up they would remember whether their floors were spotless in their childhood. Not a chance. However, they would remember their relationship with their mother and the feelings of warmth they received from their family.  Now, let me be clear that I’m not advocating an unclean home by any means. What I am advocating for is a rational approach to housekeeping and the ability to forgive your self if things aren’t exactly perfect in every part of your life.

 

Perfection can be an exhausting habit to maintain over time. I know firsthand that it can control and severely limit your life.  Yes, I’m writing this as a recovered perfectionist.

 

But somewhere along the way of gaining more self-awareness and understanding, I made a decision that perfection was not something positive to attain in my professional or personal life. Most of the time, I was able to control this dysfunctional approach to life, but once and awhile it would rear its ugly head again. For example, I remember when I was working on my Masters and I took a final in one of my hardest classes.  I came home extremely upset because I was convinced that I received a bad grade on the exam. If I received a B or C on the exam, I would receive a B in the class. If I received a B in the class, I would no longer graduate with a perfect 4.0. If I didn’t graduate with a perfect 4.0, apparently, the world will have ended.

 

I emailed my professor and explained my concern over how bad I had done on the test. I was anxious, sad and quite a mess for the next 30 minutes.  That’s exactly how long it took for my professor to write me back. I received a very long letter from him about his life and his struggles.  I got halfway through this letter and stopped to question why any of this had to do with MY issue.  Then I continued to read and understood the meaning.  He was sharing how his struggles, and his grades had no significance to his current success in his life.  His grades were just grades— that’s it.

 

Finally, I got to the end of the long letter and read the last line.

 

“Oh, by the way, if it still truly matters to you, you got an A on the exam, which means that you got an A in the class”.

 

I felt like a fool. In fact, the whole thing made me think about how perfection can be destructive. Was I really not a worthy person if I received a B?

 

That’s what striving for perfection really comes down to: your feelings of worthiness as a human being. As long as you meet all the expectations set by you, for you, you have a shot at being a worthy individual.  The minute you fall short, you have failed the test of life.

 

I hope you reevaluate this expectation and change some thinking, as I did years ago.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Fresh Perspective

 

The day it happened was one of the coldest days of the year.  I believe we broke numerous records for wind chill and temperature.  As you can imagine, I dreaded going out in the bitter cold, but I had an appointment waiting for me.

 

Anyway, in all my excitement, my ski coat hit the car console and changed the radio station to AM radio.  All of the sudden, I was hit with the sound of loud static and talk radio.  Where was my top 40 station?  While I continued to drive, I tried to figure out what exactly I had done to my radio and how I could remedy the situation.

 

I fiddled with the knobs and my technologically advanced screen, searching for the FM button, to no avail.  At every red light, I studied the console, pushed at the buttons and searched for the answer. I even tried to recreate how I had originally hit the radio, but even that didn’t help me.

 

I’m embarrassed to say that this went on for four days.  Like clockwork, I went through the same process, prodding at buttons, searching on the screen and scanning the console for the FM button that would solve all my problems. When I arrived at my destination on the fourth day, I decided on another tactic to solve this problem.

 

I pulled up to the gym and put my car in park.  I reached over to the glove compartment and pulled out my car manual.  I might add at this point that I did feel a little foolish, but I was frustrated and tired of the whole process.  The manual showed illustrations of the different buttons on the console, including the radio.  There, in the picture, was the large button for FM, located beneath the radio.  I pulled my focus away from the book and looked at my car’s console.  I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that the large button for FM was exactly where the manual said it would be.  Frankly, it was in plain sight and easy to see.  If I felt foolish before, I truly felt like an idiot now.

 

I was at Panera the other day and I was making myself a cup of tea.  I overheard the women at the counter asking why they didn’t have herbal tea anymore.  She insisted that it wasn’t there. I spoke up and told her to come over so I could help her find it.  She was shocked to see it when I pointed it out to her and she shared that she felt foolish.  She couldn’t believe that she had stared at it forever and didn’t see it. It was so easy to see now.

 

I chuckled and told her I knew exactly how she felt.  I shared with her that sometimes we don’t see things that are right in front of our eyes. She agreed and walked away.

 

We’ve all had those experiences. Our perceptions are so often colored by our expectations, our past experiences, and our preconceived ideas. My friend at Panera EXPECTED the tea to be in different packaging— therefore, every time she scanned the tea, she didn’t see what she needed.  My experience with my FM radio was affected by my preconceived idea that the answer was either on my screen or on either side of the radio.  I never looked BENEATH the radio.

 

Sometimes, we miss the most obvious things, and afterwards we wonder how we could have failed so miserably. In life, the answers are often right in front of our eyes, but we’re working so hard to find the answer that we make it a much more complicated process than it needs to be. Maybe we need to just open our minds and see it from a different perspective.

Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Four Things to Change

It’s no secret that I work daily with women that are itching to change their lives.  All my work with women has let me to realize that they tend to grapple with the same familiar issues over and over. These issues are the very things that end up holding women back from moving forward and finding happiness and success.  Where do you fall on this spectrum of behaviors that need to change?

 

Women have difficulty accepting compliments

I must confess that I’m guilty of this behavior. Do you know how many times I find myself doing this?  Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: someone compliments me on my dress or outfit. I don’t say thank you, but I spend the next 5 minutes explaining to them the great deal I got on the dress, shoes etc.  Now, why do I do this? It’s because I feel awkward about receiving so much attention and positive praise. Obviously, I’ve been programmed to downplay the positives that come my way. I want to be liked. I need to stop this and so do you.

 

Women comparing themselves to others

If you tell me that you have never taken part in this behavior, I don’t believe you. At some point in your life, you fall back into this toxic pattern.  Some women play this game for a lifetime, which invariably results in unhappiness.  The reality is that there will always be someone with a better wardrobe, a more fabulous husband, a bigger house and a better life.  That is, it will appear to be that way.  No one’s life is perfect and women only let you see what they want you to see.  When you find yourself falling back into this behavior, do an inventory of your own unhappiness in your life, and know that this is really about YOU.

 

Women not accepting their own body

I know I talk about this a lot but I need to bring it up again. This is a universal issue for women and from my vantage point, it seems to be getting worse instead of better. Most women do not feel comfortable in their own skin.  They spend a lot of time explaining to me why their body is not acceptable. I feel the key to making peace with your body is shifting your expectations and perspective.  Instead of zeroing in on the specific issues you have with your body, concentrate on making your body strong.  See your body as a tool you utilize to accomplish your goals. Get fit, get strong and let the rest go.

 

Women need to cut down on their daily dose of guilt

Many of you just assume that guilt comes with the roles of worker, wife, mom, and daughter.  Although some guilt is inevitable when you lead a multitasking life, many women take this to a whole new level.  Feeling guilt becomes a constant in their lives.  They fret about the minutiae in their day and constantly feel like they’re letting others down. It becomes so intense that they can’t even see that the person they’re letting down the most is the one staring in the mirror. I believe that they need a reality check from an outsider that can help them see the truth in the situation.

 

So the question you must honestly ask yourself is, “where do I fall in all this”?  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions?  If so, do some work in letting go of these toxic behaviors and becoming the person you were meant to be.

 

 

 

Face your Fears

Recently, I used a magic wand in a speaking presentation.  It happens to be one of my favorite props for a number of reasons.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if all we needed to do was raise our magic wand and poof— all our fears and challenges in life would just go away? In just one wave of a wand, you could have your perfect carefree life, devoid of all the distress and challenges. Many women I come across think that it’s just that easy.

 

When I was in grade school, I was deathly afraid of speaking in front of the class, which I’m sure is very hard to believe. However, this confession is true.  In fact, my fear was so real that I would actually be in terror from the day I was assigned the date of my presentation to the day I finally presented.  On a regular basis, I would work myself up into such a panic that I would get genuinely sick on my appointed day to speak.  My fear was all encompassing.

 

Now, I’m not sure from where this fear originated. I don’t recollect any traumatic experiences during a class presentation, I just remember being so incredibly scared that I couldn’t even function.  Throughout Junior High and High School, this same fear didn’t leave me. The thought of standing in front of everyone was just horrifying to me.  In each speaking experience, I went through the same dreaded feelings and the same apprehension beforehand.

 

When I went away to college, I made a decision. I wasn’t going to live my life hiding in fear any longer.  My mother had always taught me to face confrontation and problems head-on and that’s exactly what I intended to do.  You know why? Because the feeling I had when backing down to my fear was worst than the actual fear. The feelings I experienced while giving in to this challenge was hurting my self-esteem. I decided that taking a speech class was the best way to tackle the issue.

 

Something funny happened on the way to confronting my fear: I realized that I was a pretty good speaker.  Sure, the first week was dicey, but as time went on, I just got better and better. Each week, I gained a little more confidence and assurance in my presentation skills.  By the end of the class, I was actually enjoying myself.  My fear had vanished and as unbelievable as it sounds, there was excitement and enjoyment in its place.

 

Now, back to the magic wand. I’m sorry to say that there’s no quick fix to overcoming your fears. There’s no short cut to gaining courage and confidence in life.  I talk to plenty of women that want to believe they can put a band-aid on the problem and call it a day.  The truth is that your courage, confidence or “inner sass” grows with life experiences. It strengthens when you confront your demons and refuse to back down regardless of how anxious, uncomfortable and miserable you become during the process.

 

I don’t know what’s on your list of fears but I do know one thing for sure— not confronting your fear slowly chips away at your confidence and self-worth. You might not be conscious of this fact but it’s true.

 

My advice to you is to throw away the magic wand and do the hard work. Whatever you fear is probably way past it’s expiration date.

Face your Fears

Recently, I used a magic wand in a speaking presentation.  It happens to be one of my favorite props for a number of reasons.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if all we needed to do was raise our magic wand and poof— all our fears and challenges in life would just go away? In just one wave of a wand, you could have your perfect carefree life, devoid of all the distress and challenges. Many women I come across think that it’s just that easy.

 

When I was in grade school, I was deathly afraid of speaking in front of the class, which I’m sure is very hard to believe. However, this confession is true.  In fact, my fear was so real that I would actually be in terror from the day I was assigned the date of my presentation to the day I finally presented.  On a regular basis, I would work myself up into such a panic that I would get genuinely sick on my appointed day to speak.  My fear was all encompassing.

 

Now, I’m not sure from where this fear originated. I don’t recollect any traumatic experiences during a class presentation, I just remember being so incredibly scared that I couldn’t even function.  Throughout Junior High and High School, this same fear didn’t leave me. The thought of standing in front of everyone was just horrifying to me.  In each speaking experience, I went through the same dreaded feelings and the same apprehension beforehand.

 

When I went away to college, I made a decision. I wasn’t going to live my life hiding in fear any longer.  My mother had always taught me to face confrontation and problems head-on and that’s exactly what I intended to do.  You know why? Because the feeling I had when backing down to my fear was worst than the actual fear. The feelings I experienced while giving in to this challenge was hurting my self-esteem. I decided that taking a speech class was the best way to tackle the issue.

 

Something funny happened on the way to confronting my fear: I realized that I was a pretty good speaker.  Sure, the first week was dicey, but as time went on, I just got better and better. Each week, I gained a little more confidence and assurance in my presentation skills.  By the end of the class, I was actually enjoying myself.  My fear had vanished and as unbelievable as it sounds, there was excitement and enjoyment in its place.

 

Now, back to the magic wand. I’m sorry to say that there’s no quick fix to overcoming your fears. There’s no short cut to gaining courage and confidence in life.  I talk to plenty of women that want to believe they can put a band-aid on the problem and call it a day.  The truth is that your courage, confidence or “inner sass” grows with life experiences. It strengthens when you confront your demons and refuse to back down regardless of how anxious, uncomfortable and miserable you become during the process.

 

I don’t know what’s on your list of fears but I do know one thing for sure— not confronting your fear slowly chips away at your confidence and self-worth. You might not be conscious of this fact but it’s true.

 

My advice to you is to throw away the magic wand and do the hard work. Whatever you fear is probably way past it’s expiration date.

Inspirational Quotes

Do you know the secret to finding success in your personal and professional life?  To be honest, I don’t believe the secret can be summed up in just one sentence or thought.  There’s a multitude of things that goes into you being able to accomplish your dreams. In lieu of this fact, I have compiled a few of my favorite quotes about success and why they speak to me.

 

“If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful after all”—Michelangelo 

What this talented painter was trying to say was the amount of blood, sweat and tears that went into his mastery was incredible.  It was his passion, his work and his life.  There is no way around it— being a success translates into numerous hours of intense work.  If you’re not willing to put in the time and energy and truly dedicate your life to your dream, then you won’t reap the benefits. It’s not an easy process, but it’s more than worth it.

 

“I think everyone should experience defeat at least once in their career. You learn a lot from it.”—Lou Holtz

If you strive to be successful, get comfortable with failing.  Being successful means that you need to be willing to take risks and put yourself in uncomfortable situations.  Failing along the way is a large part of each person’s journey to finding success. It will humble and center you so you may better understand what’s truly important in life. If you’re willing to listen, failing will teach you more than you can imagine and help prepare you for eventual success.

 

“Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too, can become great.”—Mark Twain

What great wisdom from none other than Mark Twain!  When you’re working toward a lofty goal, surround yourself with strong, confident women that support your efforts.  If there are individuals in your life that don’t support your goals, keep in mind that it’s more a reflection of them than it is of you.  Your courage to go after your dreams could make other individuals feel inferior and threatened. Stay the course and focus on your own goals.

 

“You know you’re on the road to success if you would do your job, and not be paid for it.”—Oprah Winfrey

Well guess what, Oprah? I would do my job for free! However, I realize that wouldn’t be a great business strategy, so I charge for my services.  I am passionate about helping other women achieve their goals and believe that this is my life’s purpose. When I’m working, I don’t’ feel like I’m working (except when I’m doing paperwork which is my least favorite part of my job). The point is that when you’re doing work you love, there’s a great chance you’re going to be successful.

 

“If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would astound ourselves.”—Thomas Al Edison 

It always pains me to see women that are squandering their strengths and talents.  It’s possible that you don’t even know that you’re talented in a certain area because you haven’t yet put yourself in a position to find out.  The point is that you need to get outside your comfort zone and try some new experiences. You will learn a lot about yourself and may just discover some new skills that you didn’t even know existed.  And with that, comes renewed confidence!

 

So many pieces of the puzzle need to fit together in order for you to find success.  Do what you love, work hard, stay positive and keep your eye on the prize when things get tough. And most of all, never stop believing in YOU.

 

 

Branding Yourself

Branding seems to be a popular word in the English language these days.  According to the dictionary, branding is the process involved in creating a unique name and image for a product in the consumers mind, mainly through advertising campaigns with a consistent theme.  There are numerous branding experts that can assist you in finding your special voice in the marketplace.  I’m not a branding expert, but there’re a couple things that seem fairly common sense to me.

 

YOU are your brand. Your brand is the culmination of every move you make and every action that you take during your day.  It is the total sum of every word that comes out of your mouth and the emotion that others are left feeling after you’ve exited the building. If you truly want to positively stand out from the crowd, then you need to take this seriously. Are you putting your best foot forward on a daily basis? The following are a couple tips to help you decide whether you and your personal brand is on target.

 

Be certain that your audience is receiving your intended message. Most people focus on the words that they use to sell their concept or product, but the unintended non-verbal message is much more revealing. For example, if you were branding yourself as a successful financial wizard, you would be best served to dress in accordance with your message.  If you’re marketing yourself as a health expert, you should definitely look the part.  If you present as someone that is listless, tired and hasn’t hit the gym for 6 monthes, I doubt you’ll be credible. Often, we focus so intensely on the details, that we miss what’s right in front of our eyes.

 

Make sure you are sending one consistent message into the universe. When I say consistent, I mean your appearance, demeanor, and affect have to send your intended message every single time you’re out in public. But let’s take it one step further.  When I say consistent, I mean that you (your brand) have to come through in every single move you make in life.  For example, if you’re branding yourself as an advocate for women, you would be smart to communicate with every single woman you come across in your daily travels with the same level of respect— from the cashier in the Walgreens to the store owner where you’re buying your new dress.

 

Not only is your public presence important, but give thought to every time you represent YOU in email, social media etc. If you are an avid Facebook poster, think long and hard before you post anything that will personify you and your brand.  I SAID ANYTHING! Every single word you use is an extension of YOU.  I have witnessed numerous people that destroy their brand daily by not thinking before they post.  I agree that you have the right to your personal page and you should feel free to talk to your friends about numerous topics. However, keep in mind that every single time you type words that are read by others, you will be conveying your BRAND. Is what you’re posting with your personal friends congruent with the image that you want to convey? If you are serious about growing your brand, you will think twice before discussing some personal or controversial topics that might not appeal to potential clients, friends etc.

 

I hope you take a few minutes and give thought to your current daily demonstration of your own brand.  Make the needed changes and keep moving forward.