Accountability

image what's your excuse

 

I still remember going to my older son’s 3rd grade school conference. The teacher loved him and shared many wonderful stories. She relayed that he was smart, kind and had a great personality. Then she asked about a paper that he had recently brought home.

 

“I suppose you saw the math paper where he received a D. He was very upset about the grade and worried about what you would think of it.” I gave her a confused look and asked her when he brought it home. Apparently, it was supposed to come home in his backpack— it was 5 days later and I had never seen it. She chuckled and asked me not to come down too hard on him. Obviously, the paper had disappeared somewhere between school and home.

 

When I got home, I went upstairs to his room and sat down on his bed to have the talk. I told him how much his teacher raved about him and ended the story with the mystery of the missing “D” paper. I saw the look in his eyes and just waited for the explanation.

 

After much discussion, it was revealed that he had gotten off the bus and proceeded to take the paper and put it down the sewer drain. I’m imagining that the scenario was conjured up on the bus ride home. I suppose for a 3rd grader that was a logical way to solve the problem.

 

Now, I’m happy to report that my son, who’s now an adult, has learned to handle mistakes and missteps in a more responsible manner. However, in your travels through life, I’m pretty certain that you have come across a number of individuals that refuse to take accountability for their actions— they’re still throwing their “D” papers down the sewer drain. Their excuses and justifications for their actions can be downright exhausting.

 

Copping out on responsibility can become a habit and theme in every facet of your life. It inhibits your ability to move ahead in your career and find happiness and success in your personal life. Stop and think about someone that makes this behavior part of their daily routine. After awhile, the excuses just roll off their tongue and the more practice they get, the more proficient they become at this skill. In time, they truly believe their own explanations.

 

Right now, some of you are thinking that this does not describe you— but hold on a minute. Maybe you’re not a serial storyteller. However, there are times when each one of us is guilty of rationalizing our situation in order to feel better.

 

Take a step back and be honest. Maybe you didn’t get that sale today because the buyer was simply in a bad mood. You lost out on the promotion last week to the other employee because he always “sucks up” to the boss. You didn’t lose your goal of 5 lbs. this week because you just retain too much water. Never mind that you didn’t close the sale or you didn’t possess managerial skills or you ate more than you really should have on your diet.

 

We are ALL guilty of not taking accountability at some point.

 

The thing to remember is that your outcomes directly reflect your actions. Your success in life is in direct relation to your ability to be painfully honest with YOU. Do you make things happen or do things happen to you? A big part of your resilience in life is tied up in your skill of taking accountability for your actions. It’s realizing that you control your own destiny: your happiness and success is dependent upon you.

 

The next time you struggle with reaching a goal daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly, step back and give this some thought: take responsibility for your place in life.

Accountability

image what's your excuse

 

I still remember going to my older son’s 3rd grade school conference. The teacher loved him and shared many wonderful stories. She relayed that he was smart, kind and had a great personality. Then she asked about a paper that he had recently brought home.

 

“I suppose you saw the math paper where he received a D. He was very upset about the grade and worried about what you would think of it.” I gave her a confused look and asked her when he brought it home. Apparently, it was supposed to come home in his backpack— it was 5 days later and I had never seen it. She chuckled and asked me not to come down too hard on him. Obviously, the paper had disappeared somewhere between school and home.

 

When I got home, I went upstairs to his room and sat down on his bed to have the talk. I told him how much his teacher raved about him and ended the story with the mystery of the missing “D” paper. I saw the look in his eyes and just waited for the explanation.

 

After much discussion, it was revealed that he had gotten off the bus and proceeded to take the paper and put it down the sewer drain. I’m imagining that the scenario was conjured up on the bus ride home. I suppose for a 3rd grader that was a logical way to solve the problem.

 

Now, I’m happy to report that my son, who’s now an adult, has learned to handle mistakes and missteps in a more responsible manner. However, in your travels through life, I’m pretty certain that you have come across a number of individuals that refuse to take accountability for their actions— they’re still throwing their “D” papers down the sewer drain. Their excuses and justifications for their actions can be downright exhausting.

 

Copping out on responsibility can become a habit and theme in every facet of your life. It inhibits your ability to move ahead in your career and find happiness and success in your personal life. Stop and think about someone that makes this behavior part of their daily routine. After awhile, the excuses just roll off their tongue and the more practice they get, the more proficient they become at this skill. In time, they truly believe their own explanations.

 

Right now, some of you are thinking that this does not describe you— but hold on a minute. Maybe you’re not a serial storyteller. However, there are times when each one of us is guilty of rationalizing our situation in order to feel better.

 

Take a step back and be honest. Maybe you didn’t get that sale today because the buyer was simply in a bad mood. You lost out on the promotion last week to the other employee because he always “sucks up” to the boss. You didn’t lose your goal of 5 lbs. this week because you just retain too much water. Never mind that you didn’t close the sale or you didn’t possess managerial skills or you ate more than you really should have on your diet.

 

We are ALL guilty of not taking accountability at some point.

 

The thing to remember is that your outcomes directly reflect your actions. Your success in life is in direct relation to your ability to be painfully honest with YOU. Do you make things happen or do things happen to you? A big part of your resilience in life is tied up in your skill of taking accountability for your actions. It’s realizing that you control your own destiny: your happiness and success is dependent upon you.

 

The next time you struggle with reaching a goal daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly, step back and give this some thought: take responsibility for your place in life.

Open to Opportunity

images open window

 

Last week, I was attending a full-day seminar with an old friend that I hadn’t seen in quite awhile. Although I was unsure if the topic would hold my interest, I knew that I would pick up some “nuggets” that I could use in my life. I also looked forward to the training event since I thought I would see some of my old co-workers. As I scanned the room, I realized that I didn’t know a single person other than my old friend. The large room was filled with mostly empty tables and almost all of the attendees were crammed into the back half of the space.

 

We registered and walked to a table at the front of the room since we both decided that we would be easily distracted in the back. When I sat down, I noticed two women that were sitting together at the table behind me.

 

10 minutes into the seminar, the trainer started the first activity. She asked us to find a partner that we weren’t seated with and perform the first exercise. My friend jumped up and joined a woman sitting alone at a table. I turned around, stood up with a smile on my face and said to the two friends sitting together, “Would one of you like to join me at my table?”

 

They both stared at me and said, “NO”.

 

I turned back around, shocked by the tone in their voice and their firm NO response.

 

I didn’t personalize this NO that I received. I wasn’t hurt that they didn’t want to be with me. I instinctively knew that the NO had absolutely nothing to do with me. I knew that the NO had everything to do with them.

 

I was disappointed by the women’s inability to open themselves up to a new opportunity.

 

Now, you might be wondering why I’m making such a big deal out of this. So what, they wanted to sit together and enjoy each other’s company. However, it IS a big deal and I’m going to tell you why.

 

Everyday, you are bombarded with situations, problems and issues in your life. Most of the time, you handle situations in a manner that is familiar to you. You have found patterns in your life that work for you and it is easier if you stick to those patterns and habits. When you do this, you probably make life easier for you in the short-term. You feel safe in these patterns and find comfort in them.

 

However, you are making life harder for you in the long-term. Moving to another table and meeting someone new might seem like such a small thing. However, it might be a pattern in your life to avoid uncomfortable situations. Each time that you get the courage to move to the next table, you build a little more muscle that makes you more RESILIENT. Each time you do something uncomfortable, you develop a little more grit to tackle what gets thrown at you in life. Each time you stretch yourself personally and professionally, you open yourself up to new opportunities—some that you didn’t even know existed.

 

Building resilience all starts with one small move.

 

 

 

Values

 

 

 

image personal values

 

The other day, I was thinking about my career and the different positions that I’ve held throughout the years. There have been times that I’ve been happy and there have been times in my career that I’ve been miserable— maybe you’ve felt this way too. I remember a friend telling me that she hoped I’d finally figure out what and where I wanted to be in life. At one point, I considered that maybe I was born with some sort of defect that prevented me from figuring out what direction to take in life propecia pills 1 mg.

 

Now that I’m older and wiser, I better understand all the career decisions I made and why. I can comprehend why I was so unhappy in certain environments and why others made me feel energized. I now know that it all came down to being true to the values that I hold in my life. If I honored those things that were truly important to me and made certain that I received them at work, then I would find the happiness that I was searching for so desperately.

 

I highly value being in an environment where I can constantly be learning. Being thrown into a new environment and figuring out how to make it work is my idea of a good time. For others, it’s a death sentence. As soon as a position becomes repetitive, I’m in trouble. I’m constantly looking for that next step, next opportunity, that next big thing! Growing and expanding my knowledge base is an integral piece of what I value in a job. If I don’t have this kind of experience, I’m not going to be satisfied. If I can’t see where I grow next, I’ll struggle to be happy.

 

I highly value the ability to stretch my wings in my job.

If I feel that the position is too structured, I wither away. That isn’t to say that I can’t follow authority. However, if the authority attempts to control or regulate me too much, it will not be a work environment that fuels success for me. I need to be able to think for myself and create my workspace the way I deem fit. I’ve had a few bosses that sensed this and gave me the space I needed to be successful. I’ve also had ones that held on tighter. The latter didn’t end well. I recognize that I’m a free thinker and do best when given the freedom to explore.

 

Nothing is more important to me than working in an environment where people have integrity and honesty.

I’m a straight shooter and get extremely frustrated with individuals that dance around an issue or outright lie and don’t take responsibility. Confrontation is not a horrible thing when handled in a professional and appropriate manner. I need to have respect from the people that I work with and if I don’t see that, I find it difficult to stay the course.

 

I’ve shared my top three values because I hope it sparks your own thinking on the topic. What do you value in your professional career? Like I did above, try to identify your top three values. Think back to some of your triggers at work, some of the things that frustrated you—you’ll begin to see what you find important. Is it making sure you have time for family or is it making sure that the position is risk-free and stable? Is it your ability to financially support your family or is it the need to “make a difference” in people’s lives? Do some soul searching and tease out what’s important to you above all else.

 

Once you have this information, you’ll be armed to find where you belong.

 

In the Wind

bag in windI was driving down the highway the other day when I noticed something up in the sky. As I drove closer to the object, I was able to assess what was up there. The object appeared to be a plastic bag, the kind that you get at the grocery store.  The bag was flying up and down and around with such energy. It followed no pattern or course, simply depending on the next big gust of wind to decide its fate.

 

The whole experience reminded me of a number of people that I’ve come across in my life.

 

I had a conversation with a young man a couple years ago.  The talk turned to his part-time job, so I asked him how it was going.  He lamented that his hours had been cut and felt angry about the whole situation.  He told me exactly how he was going to be affected by this unfortunate turn of events.  He definitely did his fair share of complaining.

 

I listened to him for a while before I spoke.  I asked him the obvious question— had he had discussed the cutbacks with his supervisor?  He looked at me incredulously and said no. When I asked him why he hadn’t had a discussion with this boss, he really didn’t have an answer.

 

I explained to him that he needed to ask WHY his hours had been cut. Then, with his boss, he needed to outline the reasons why allowing him to keep those hours would be the right decision. Frankly, none of this had ever occurred to him.  He didn’t feel that he had a choice in the situation. I believe he was just waiting for that next big gust of wind to decide his fate.

 

I talked to a young woman on the phone today. Earlier this year, she had lost her job to an unfortunate turn of events. She spent hours researching, networking and pounding the pavement to find another job. It didn’t surprise me that she found the perfect match fairly quick in her journey. Today she shared that, again, her new employer is taking drastic measures to cut back and a whole team has been laid off.

 

This is devastating news considering she just got back on her feet. However, I was impressed by the strength in her voice.  She refused to waste time whining about what couldn’t change and she was already busy networking and researching how she could take charge in her situation. She was adamant that she would control her destiny. She would not accept that the next big gust of wind would decide her fate.

 

I hate to say this, but I know individuals that have spent their whole lives in this pattern.  They float and bob from one job or relationship to the next, letting others decide their fate.  When the wind stops, they land. Usually, they blame their misfortune on others, never accepting the fact that the whole time, they had the ability to control their own path in life.

 

This is your reminder that you don’t have to be that plastic bag taking flight in the wind, unsure of where you’re going or when you will land.

 

You have the power to control your own destiny.

 

 

 

 

 

Let It Go

images kitten in mirror

 

I met a friend for lunch the other day.  As we talked, the conversation slowly turned to strong women “finding their inner sass”.  I was telling her about my presentation that I give on courage and confidence. During the talk, I spend time discussing why women struggle to find their voice.

 

I looked over at her and she had a funny look on her face.  I asked her what was confusing her— she stated that she can’t imagine that the women that she works with struggle with this concept of “finding your voice”. She shared that they are all strong women that are very clear on who they are and what they want in life.

 

I listened to her and reminded her that although she must work with some strong authentic women, there are still plenty that are working daily on this goal.

 

I thought about this off and on for the rest of the day.  After dinner, I went out to my car and began to clean it out. I found a big bin of supplies I had left in my car since I had last given a large presentation.  I brought it in the house and dragged it upstairs to my office.  I took out my props and then I saw the many crumpled pieces of paper covering the bottom of the bin.

 

During the presentation, I asked these very strong, professional women to think about the beliefs that were holding them back in life.  What are all those negative thoughts that come to mind when you’re feeling bad about yourself?  Those “go to” ones that swirl around in your head and play in an endless loop in your brain?  Most of the time, you rationally accept that they don’t define you, but when you’re at your most vulnerable, you believe every single word.

 

I asked each woman in the room to write them down on paper and ceremoniously let them go by throwing them in my bin.  I watched as the whole room got busy writing on their small pieces of paper and eagerly came to me as I walked around, dragging my bin.

 

Now, back to the present— I’m sitting on the floor of my office and seeing the many crumpled pieces of paper. I decided that I would take a look and see what the women had written.  What I found, devastated me.  One after another, each woman shared that they were not enough. They weren’t smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough.  Over and over and over I read the same exact words until I had cleaned out my whole bin.

 

I thought back to my friend and her comment about the strong women in her workplace.  They could never have a problem finding their own voice, right?  Wrong. Here was proof of what was really going on inside of all of us.  Yes, most of the time we know who we are, we’re successful, and we accomplish great things.  But down deep, way deep, there’s that constant nagging doubt that no matter what we accomplish, it just might not be ENOUGH.

 

Most of the time, you probably appear as if you have it together, you know what you want and you know where you’re going.  But if you’re brutally honest, you’ll admit that it’s sometimes a great illusion for others to witness. There are obviously still things that are holding of you (and even me!) back from true greatness and success. There are still doubts in each and every one of us that hold us back from unbridled happiness.

 

I believe that it’s time to let this go.

 

 

 

 

 

Let It Go

images kitten in mirror

 

I met a friend for lunch the other day.  As we talked, the conversation slowly turned to strong women “finding their inner sass”.  I was telling her about my presentation that I give on courage and confidence. During the talk, I spend time discussing why women struggle to find their voice.

 

I looked over at her and she had a funny look on her face.  I asked her what was confusing her— she stated that she can’t imagine that the women that she works with struggle with this concept of “finding your voice”. She shared that they are all strong women that are very clear on who they are and what they want in life.

 

I listened to her and reminded her that although she must work with some strong authentic women, there are still plenty that are working daily on this goal.

 

I thought about this off and on for the rest of the day.  After dinner, I went out to my car and began to clean it out. I found a big bin of supplies I had left in my car since I had last given a large presentation.  I brought it in the house and dragged it upstairs to my office.  I took out my props and then I saw the many crumpled pieces of paper covering the bottom of the bin.

 

During the presentation, I asked these very strong, professional women to think about the beliefs that were holding them back in life.  What are all those negative thoughts that come to mind when you’re feeling bad about yourself?  Those “go to” ones that swirl around in your head and play in an endless loop in your brain?  Most of the time, you rationally accept that they don’t define you, but when you’re at your most vulnerable, you believe every single word.

 

I asked each woman in the room to write them down on paper and ceremoniously let them go by throwing them in my bin.  I watched as the whole room got busy writing on their small pieces of paper and eagerly came to me as I walked around, dragging my bin.

 

Now, back to the present— I’m sitting on the floor of my office and seeing the many crumpled pieces of paper. I decided that I would take a look and see what the women had written.  What I found, devastated me.  One after another, each woman shared that they were not enough. They weren’t smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough.  Over and over and over I read the same exact words until I had cleaned out my whole bin.

 

I thought back to my friend and her comment about the strong women in her workplace.  They could never have a problem finding their own voice, right?  Wrong. Here was proof of what was really going on inside of all of us.  Yes, most of the time we know who we are, we’re successful, and we accomplish great things.  But down deep, way deep, there’s that constant nagging doubt that no matter what we accomplish, it just might not be ENOUGH.

 

Most of the time, you probably appear as if you have it together, you know what you want and you know where you’re going.  But if you’re brutally honest, you’ll admit that it’s sometimes a great illusion for others to witness. There are obviously still things that are holding of you (and even me!) back from true greatness and success. There are still doubts in each and every one of us that hold us back from unbridled happiness.

 

I believe that it’s time to let this go.

 

 

 

 

 

Perfectionitis

images perfection

A few years ago, I spoke to a large group of moms about finding happiness in life.  The audience was a diverse mix of mothers; ones that stayed home with their children and ones that combined a career with motherhood.  I have to admit that I received a number of really fabulous questions from the audience.  However, there’s one question that I can’t seem to ever forget.

 

I believe it best represents this idea of perfection that some people strive to achieve.

 

A woman in the back of the audience stood up and shared that no matter how productive she is during the day, she feels like a failure if she goes to bed and her floors aren’t clean.  She admitted that most nights, she lies in bed thinking about how she failed again because her floors are filthy.  She was exhausted for feeling this way but didn’t quite know what to do about it.

 

I asked her if she truly thought that when her kids grow up they would remember whether their floors were spotless in their childhood. Not a chance. However, they would remember their relationship with their mother and the feelings of warmth they received from their family.  Now, let me be clear that I’m not advocating an unclean home by any means. What I am advocating for is a rational approach to housekeeping and the ability to forgive your self if things aren’t exactly perfect in every part of your life.

 

Perfection can be an exhausting habit to maintain over time. I know firsthand that it can control and severely limit your life.  Yes, I’m writing this as a recovered perfectionist.

 

But somewhere along the way of gaining more self-awareness and understanding, I made a decision that perfection was not something positive to attain in my professional or personal life. Most of the time, I was able to control this dysfunctional approach to life, but once and awhile it would rear its ugly head again. For example, I remember when I was working on my Masters and I took a final in one of my hardest classes.  I came home extremely upset because I was convinced that I received a bad grade on the exam. If I received a B or C on the exam, I would receive a B in the class. If I received a B in the class, I would no longer graduate with a perfect 4.0. If I didn’t graduate with a perfect 4.0, apparently, the world will have ended.

 

I emailed my professor and explained my concern over how bad I had done on the test. I was anxious, sad and quite a mess for the next 30 minutes.  That’s exactly how long it took for my professor to write me back. I received a very long letter from him about his life and his struggles.  I got halfway through this letter and stopped to question why any of this had to do with MY issue.  Then I continued to read and understood the meaning.  He was sharing how his struggles, and his grades had no significance to his current success in his life.  His grades were just grades— that’s it.

 

Finally, I got to the end of the long letter and read the last line.

 

“Oh, by the way, if it still truly matters to you, you got an A on the exam, which means that you got an A in the class”.

 

I felt like a fool. In fact, the whole thing made me think about how perfection can be destructive. Was I really not a worthy person if I received a B?

 

That’s what striving for perfection really comes down to: your feelings of worthiness as a human being. As long as you meet all the expectations set by you, for you, you have a shot at being a worthy individual.  The minute you fall short, you have failed the test of life.

 

I hope you reevaluate this expectation and change some thinking, as I did years ago.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Secret to Change

images change picture

A few years ago, I worked for an organization that was going through some major changes.  At the time, they were moving from their present building to another facility. Countless meetings were held to discuss the changes and allow people to share their concerns.  At some point, I made an observation that all the discussions weren’t helping the situation.  The majority of individuals were not moving forward on the idea of working in a new location.  In fact, they were only digging their heels in even more.

 

I found this fascinating as it all played out.  Being from a Mental Health background, it was interesting to watch the process unfold and observe the different reactions and objections from the various people. I’m sure you can relate to at least one time in your own life where you fought change desperately.

 

But why do we do this?

 

images change life

 

Well, I have a question for you to answer. Do you by chance eat the same thing for breakfast every morning? Do you go the same way to work every day?  Chances are pretty good that the answer to these questions is a yes.  As humans, we seem to revel in habits.  Habits make our life easier and saner. We like the security of knowing that every step in life doesn’t involve another decision— this can tax our brain, taking more energy and focus. Life can sometimes feel like a whirlwind and frankly, it’s easier if we know what to expect and are able to function on autopilot.

 

Nevertheless, change is part of life and inevitable. No matter what you do to avoid change, it will catch up with you eventually.  Your ability to adapt and go with the flow of life will be the key to you finding the success and happiness you so desire. In lieu of this fact, here are two questions to ask the next time you feel yourself fighting change in the workplace:

 

What is it that I really fear about this change?

I’m asking you to dig deep on this one because your initial objections might not be what’s really bothering you.  The answer might be hidden deep down.  Are you fearful that you won’t be able to succeed in this situation?  Are you scared of how this new change will add work to your life?  Do you have difficulty finding acceptance in many phases of your life? Are you someone that gets stuck and can’t move on?  Be honest and do some real soul searching.

 

How specifically will this change affect me?

 

 

I want you to break it down and attempt to make a list of the positives and negatives in the change.  Often, you can get stuck on the idea and not realize that the change won’t affect you nearly as much as you think.  After you have made your list, I want you to look at each negative that you wrote down and find a way that you can somehow substitute for this loss that you are experiencing. Find some angle to make this change more palatable. For example, let’s say you are losing your 4-walled office and moving to a bright, fabulous new office with open workspace.  You are terrified of this and grieve losing your own space. Look at ways you can replace the loss within the confines off this new change.  What if you asked to work from home one day a week? What if you reserve the conference room for a couple hours a week to have your privacy? There are options here that you can explore which substitute your perceived loss.

 

I believe Socrates said it best when he wrote, “The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

Bad Habits

bad habits

After my two appointments downtown today, I got in my car, turned onto Fifth Street and carefully made my way onto 71 N.  I’ve driven this route way too many times. In fact, I think my car knows the way to the freeway and to my house by now.

 

The point of me sharing this bit of information with you is because of what happened in today’s journey.  15 minutes after getting on the freeway, I was passing an exit when I realized that I didn’t remember much about getting there.  How is that possible?  How did I drive 15 minutes without really being aware of what was going on?  The thought terrified me.

 

I bet each of you have had this experience at one point or another.  You wake up in the morning and you have your routine.  Maybe you get up and automatically run the shower and jump in.  Maybe you instantly go over to the sink to wash your face and brush your teeth.  Whatever it is, if you do it enough times, you don’t have to think too much about what comes next.  In fact, you don’t have to think at all— you just do.

 

Research has been done to explore this very fact.  They positioned rats in a maze and monitored their brain activity to see how long it would take them to find their way out.  In the beginning, the rats needed to search and sniff to find their way.  Time and time again, they ran through the same maze.  As the number of times that they ran through the maze increased, their mental activity decreased.  The rats no longer had to think very hard to find their way because it had become their habit.

 

You probably don’t like being compared to a rat, but we experience this same exact effect. When you have completed the same task time and time again, you no longer have to be fully present.  Your brain can take a little rest. Thanks to habits, you get to preserve your brain energy for the more daunting tasks.

 

You know those positive affirmations that you enjoy reading on Facebook?  They make you feel good for that moment but you might have problems making them stick before the bad thoughts sneak up on you again. You know why?  The very same reason that you automatically get up in the morning and fix your breakfast without having to think so hard.  It’s possible that these same negative thoughts have become a bad habit for you.

 

They creep into your mind without you even being aware of it.  They run on an endless loop in your brain and reading a positive statement once a day is not going to solve the problem. Being told to “change your attitude” is not going to solve it either. The problem runs deeper than that.

 

The good news is that you can break this bad habit.  You can learn to change the thoughts in your head but you need to be present. You need to be engaged in the process and be at full brain capacity to make this change. By consistently monitoring the conversation in your head and using targeted strategies to change each negative statement into a more positive one, you can slowly change your life.

 

It’s hard to quit a bad habit. To make a change, it takes hard work, commitment and consistent awareness. However, it’s worth the work when you realize that the change can positively impact every single aspect of your life.