Walk Through the Pain

Recently, I have perfected a new skill. My cat was diagnosed with diabetes in December and I now must administer insulin injections twice a day. At first, I was amazed at the way that Joey wasn’t even fazed by this new routine that we shared morning and night. Since he likes attention, he seemed pleased that I was interested in spending time with him.  However, after a couple months, everything began to change.

 

I would walk downstairs to find him for his 7am shot, and he would be nowhere to be found. That might not sound unusual for a cat, but before this point, he would come running to see what I wanted. But now we had started a new routine. I would call out his name and he wouldn’t respond. I would keep saying his name while I searched and searched under every piece of furniture in the house.  I would run up and down the stairs like a crazy person, frantically calling his name, and looking at every possible hiding place. I would become distressed knowing that this cat was controlling my world, making me late for work.

 

Eventually, I would find him, just strolling into a room like he hadn’t heard me calling for him for the last 30 minutes. And when I finally gave him his shot, he would flinch and give a guttural cry.  Sometimes, when he would see me walking toward him, he would back away and scamper off in a different direction.

 

He was on to me-I represented pain.

Joey is no different than you or me. Over the course of years, you have come to experience situations that cause you pain or make you uncomfortable. You have learned to avoid these experiences, which sometimes is good for you, and other times, gets in the way of you moving forward. For example, learning to not touch the stove when it’s hot, makes sense. You learned this at a young age, and it has served you well. However, avoiding the need to learn a new software system, or avoiding the speaking presentation that would help you gain that promotion at work, might not serve you so well in the long run.

 

The thing is, you might find some really great reasons why you shouldn’t take on these responsibilities. Your resistance to them might be well thought out and make perfect sense. However, beneath your rational thinking is your fear. You are terrified of the pain that moving forward might cause.  And humans will go to great lengths to avoid painful situations-just like cats!

 

I’m asking you to give thought to the situations in your life right now that you are avoiding. You now understand WHY you are avoiding them-they cause discomfort. This is a human reaction to pain. But being a human also means you have the ability to process these feelings and make a decision to walk through the pain anyway. You will push yourself through this journey because in the long run, it will help you achieve your goals.

 

Have the courage to face the pain and get to the other side. You will become the leader that you aspire to be.

 

Feel the Change

You just came up with the greatest idea ever. How do you go about convincing your team that this new idea, program etc. is the way to go? How do you encourage your team to get on board and commit to this great change that you want to put in place?

 

Exceptional leaders understand that sometimes they need to flex their persuasive muscle.

 

Understanding organizational Change and how employees react to change, is my sweet spot. However, I was surprised by a recent experience that I had working with a client. In my haste to get to the finish line, I realized that I had left out important steps needed to help someone shift perspective and embrace change.

 

I was coaching a client on improving their team’s performance. I knew that the team would greatly benefit from some soft skills training. I droned on and on about all the different training pieces that could be presented, but I didn’t sense any traction. On and on I went, like a broken record, for a number of different sessions. However, I was met with a number of reasons why none of the trainings would be the right fit.

 

I was frustrated.  I knew exactly what would solve the problem, but obviously, my client just couldn’t visualize this.  At the next session, I decided to take the client through a self-awareness exercise that would help him envision firsthand, what his team could experience.

 

As we worked our way through the exercise, I closely watched the leader. I began to see how things were beginning to come into focus for him. It began to solidify a number of issues for the leader and what was truly important to him.

 

Once we had this experience, I asked him to think about his team. What would they gain out of this experience? What would they learn about themselves and how would it help them become better employees and people?

 

The lightbulb had turned on.

 

He finally understood how this experience could be a great start to helping his team grow. You could see the excitement and passion as the two of us talked about how we could accomplish this and where this would lead.

 

And that’s when I realized that I was forgetting an important part of helping someone embrace change. Facts and data were just not going to sell him on the value of this process. Yes, it might be a piece of it, but I needed to do more if I wanted him to move forward.  I needed to make him “feel” the change and be emotionally involved in the experience.

 

I had forgotten something so simple.

 

Are you in the process of making some changes at work? Don’t underestimate the need to get your people on board. Giving them the facts to back up this change is essential, however, don’t forget how emotion also plays into the process. Help them “feel” the need for change.

 

Learning to Lead

I talk to many aspiring leaders that are striving to be happier and more successful at work. Invariably, the discussion will come around to their own leader’s attributes and they’ll begin to share the truth, the whole truth. Comments like, “I really shouldn’t say this” or “He really isn’t that bad”, are shared. They feel bad saying anything, because despite the leader’s handicaps, these great future leaders still feel loyal. Loyal to someone that hasn’t really been there for them. And for every leader that still feels loyal, there’s another that’s just disengaged from their work.

 

There’s a lot of mediocre leaders out there that aren’t engaging their employees. They don’t know how to give their employees what they really need to do their best. And if they did, they would have stellar employees that would drive the company forward.

 

So be honest right now. Do you see yourself if any of these?

 

He puts his head in the sand when things get tough.

Your boss excels in handling tasks daily, but when it comes to navigating people’s emotions, he will avoid the whole situation. He just won’t go there. He knows that there’s rumblings of employees not getting along, but he will hope that it all goes away without his interference. Eventually, things will come to a head when the “problem” grows into a massive issue that has infected the whole team. After months and months of doing nothing, the leader finally acts and expects everything to be solved with this one intervention. However, things have progressed too far for one simple intervention to work. By this point, the relationship issue has affected the team culture.

 

Now, he has an even bigger problem.

 

She is inconsistent in her actions

You just never know how your boss is going to act. He could be extremely happy, or he could be agitated beyond belief. By the way, I once was in a meeting with a leader discussing some financial issues. It was pretty mundane facts that were being discussed. Suddenly, she went into a tailspin, that culminated with her jumping up and slamming the door. It was pretty scary stuff that was never fully explained to me. However, my reaction to this incident was never knowing what to expect in the following interactions. I went into each situation, not trusting what would come next. In addition, employees would withhold information because her team was terrified of her possible reaction.

 

This behavior doesn’t exactly encourage a great working relationship with a young leader.

 

He cares more about his own needs than the needs of the team

And the team knows this because the leader shows this to them time and time again. When someone wants the opportunity to move upward in the organization, he doesn’t support the employee.  Your boss will claim that it’s because he’s not ready for the opportunity, but the truth is, he doesn’t want to lose the great worker. He consistently does what’s best for him and his needs, never his employees. He is focused on his own path to reaching his goals. The employees are very clear on this fact which maybe explains the turnover in his department. However, he will find a way to also blame this on his team.

 

These are extreme examples of leaders that have a lot of growing to do. However, maybe you see a sliver of yourself in one of these scenarios. If so, you have some work to do before you reach your potential. Keep moving forward and strive to become an excellent leader that stands out-for the right reasons.

Mastering Difficult People

What I’m about to say may really surprise you. I once worked with someone that totally drove me crazy. I actually had to mentally prepare myself to see her face and have a conversation with her. Yes, it was that painful. And after I spent a few minutes with her, I was exhausted like I had just run a marathon.

 

This strong reaction just mystified me. Why did this woman drive me crazy? Why did I feel the emotion just well up inside me when I was in her presence?  Many years passed before I totally understood WHY I reacted so strongly in our interactions.

 

Have you ever found someone in your office annoying? I’m talking about someone that just seems to bring out the worst in you. Does it make you feel out of control? Maybe if you understood why you were having such a strong reaction, it might help you deal with the situation in a more effective manner.

 

You can have a strong emotional response to someone that triggers one of your life values. In fact, after much analysis, I realize that’s what was evoking such an intense reaction in me. You see, my co-worker was far from an authentic individual. She put on airs and pretended to be someone that she definitely was not. Her inability to allow others to see her true self, just totally turned me off. One of my strongest values is authenticity. I strongly believe that people should be true to self and others. Someone that tries so hard to be something they are not, triggers me. At the time, I didn’t recognize this in our interaction. If I had, it would have made it easier for me to deal with her behavior. Instead of just emotionally responding to her actions, I could have consciously worked to understand her behavior.

 

You can have a strong emotional response to someone that displays behavior that you subconsciously feel represents you.For example, you are constantly triggered by a woman that works in your office. She’s a really nice person but you can’t stand to interact with her. You look for reasons that the two of you don’t have to socialize or work together.

 

The truth is that you have struggled with being able to advocate for yourself since the beginning of your career. In meetings, you have difficulty finding your voice and speaking your mind. You would have moved up in your career by now if you could overcome this deficit.

 

When you interact with that co-worker, it’s like looking in a mirror. You are reminded of all the ways that you don’t measure up. Of course, you don’t realize that this is happening. All you realize is that you can’t stand to spend time with her and you feel irritated in her presence.

 

You can be triggered by a co-worker that reminds you of someone in the past. Actually, this one has happened to me before. Apparently, I reminded a past co-worker of a sister. I had this epiphany while we were in the middle of a meeting. As she hurled accusations at me, I realized that she sounded like she was talking to a sister. I interrupted her accusations to calmly ask her if I reminded her of a sister or someone. Her face turned white and I had my answer.

 

If you are presently dealing with someone that gets under your skin, the trick is to look inward. Once you understand WHY you are having this reaction, it will make you feel much more in control to handle the situation.

Bring Your Best

A couple days ago, I had an appointment scheduled at a local coffee shop. As I walked up to order my tea, a young woman greeted me with a huge smile on her face. She motioned to me to come over to where she was busy ringing up customers. I commented to her about the new renovation that had just been completed in the coffee shop. She excitedly waved her hands around the room and shared how much she loved the way it looked. When I inquired about the different drinks, she patiently explained each one and went to great pains to ensure that I would order something that I would enjoy. We continued to talk for the next few minutes as I finished up my order.

 

I walked away from the counter with a big smile on my face.

 

I watched her for a while after I sat down. I was curious if that interaction was just an outlier or this was her normal workplace behavior. I realized that she truly was that incredible with every person she encountered. She made each person that walked up to the counter feel like they were the most important person that she had come across that day.

 

I know for a fact that young woman working in the coffee shop is not a manager. She is just a regular old customer service worker that I doubt makes more than 10 dollars an hour. I am pretty certain that she would have given me that exceptional service no matter what she was paid. She took great pride in her work and was committed to giving her best to everyone that she encountered.

 

In the book, Linchpin, Seth Godin says that “the world no longer compensates people who are cogs in a giant machine.” In the past, industry desperately needed employees that could learn the rules and processes and not think outside the box. Today’s world needs Linchpins. Godin says that “linchpins are the essential building blocks of tomorrow’s high value organizations.”

 

You know those people that really stand out? They’re the ones that go the extra mile and see beyond their job description They’re creative, energetic and do more than just follow the rules. They bring their strengths and talents to their job every day. They are willing to see possibilities and take scary risks. Yes, they are willing to deviate from the regimented rules and risk failure.

 

Now, maybe you’re thinking that, you, too, could be a Linchpin in the right job. You’re just stuck right now in a position that doesn’t let you be “you”. Well, you could be half right.

 

But let’s go back to my friend in the coffee shop. I have a feeling that working for 10 dollars an hour is not her long-term goal for a career. There’s a lot about her present position that is monotonous, stressful and mundane. However, she has found a way to bring her best self to her job every single day.

 

She stands out.

 

The question for you is, what do you aspire to be? It’s possible that you are in a position right now that stinks and you’re bored, frustrated or even miserable. However, you have a choice. You can make it a point to be a linchpin. You can be that very different person that daily brings your strengths and talents to your work. You can stand out.

 

 

Building Confidence

There’s a chance that you might be a fairly confident individual. On the majority of occasions, you are able to manifest the needed courage and strength to speak up and say the hard stuff to a room full of strangers. Most times, you have the guts to dive in and take a risk to go for that new demanding position they just posted.

 

However, at some point in your life, a situation will occur that requires an extra heaping dose of confidence. Maybe you have just come off a disappointing experience or you’ve become comfortable (a little too comfortable) in life. The point is, when you dig down deep in the well, nothing will come up. And this will scare you.

 

So, what can you do to boost your confidence?

 

Let go of that experience when you failed

Everyone has experienced that one epic fail that rocked their world.  You know, the one that made you want to stay in bed for a month and never go back to interacting with humanity. The one that truly devastated you and made you question your worth to society. The majority find a way to move on, make sense of the situation and find meaning in the fail. Some even use the fail as a way to find passion and energy to perform even better in the future. However, there are a few that lug this “fail” around with them wherever they go for the rest of their lives, using this experience to define who they are. If you see yourself in this, recognize that this past fail maybe influencing your present, which then simply becomes part of your future. Make a conscious decision to let go of this experience and move on.

 

Think back to your most powerful moment

Everyone has at least one experience in their past where they felt confident, strong and powerful. You know, that one time where you were able to say and do exactly the right thing at the right moment. Acknowledge that this experience is proof that you can be the confident person that you aspire to be.  Visualize every detail of that experience and the emotions that you felt from the beginning to end. Play it in your head like a movie that you are watching over and over again. This is your reminder that you are a capable, courageous person.

 

Say “yes” to challenges

I was having a conversation with a woman the other day about a new exercise she was going to try. It was her friend’s idea to attend this class and she wasn’t looking forward to it. In fact, if her friend wasn’t pushing her, she would not be attending. I reminded her that it’s important to try new things and get outside her comfort zone. You say “no” to new things because the fear of failure is overpowering. The fear of “looking stupid” or “not being the best” influences your decision. Every time you back down and say no to trying something different and new, you take a little chip out of your confidence. Maybe you don’t notice daily, but over time, saying no and giving in to “that uncomfortable feeling” zaps your power. Start saying “yes” and learn how it builds your confidence and makes you feel as if you can tackle just about anything.

 

View your loss of confidence as a temporary situation. Your brain is wired to easily point out where you have failed, and less good at reminding you of all the many times that you have overcome great odds and soared. Push yourself to focus on the numerous experiences that reveal how courageous you truly are.

 

Second Chances

I was driving downtown yesterday when a memory popped in my head. I was a young leader, having a conversation with one of my employees. During that time, I was a very involved leader that worked hard to see my people succeed and meet their potential. I focused on their strengths and supported them to achieve their goals.

 

Maybe I worked a bit too hard.

 

There was one young woman in particular that stands out in my memory. I really admired her since she had worked her way up from an entry-level job to hold a management position. At the time, top leadership was unhappy with her performance and I was spending more and more time with her to ensure that she progressed in her skills. I recognized her strengths and they far outweighed her weaknesses. Believing in her completely, I constantly defended her with upper leadership and gave her second chances to improve on her performance.

 

Many second chances.

 

The problem was that her performance continued to lag and upper leadership continued to pressure me. Over and over, I would have wonderful heart to heart talks with her and she would promise that things would improve. However, things stayed exactly the same.

 

Finally, I was forced to let her go from her position when the pressure became too great. Something happened that was impossible to defend.

 

Afterwards, I discovered that I clearly didn’t have the whole story. She had let many more responsibilities go by the wayside than I had initially thought. I had failed to see the situation clearly because I so desired to see her succeed.

 

I gave her way to many second chances.

 

The reality is that I wanted her to succeed much more than she actually wanted to succeed. I liked her, believed in her and felt invested in her future. I let my emotions get in the way of me seeing the reality. And after the whole experience passed, I realized that I had failed at being a true leader.

 

Yes, leaders want their people to succeed and fulfill their potential. However, true leaders understand that there is a line drawn in the sand where you acknowledge that you have given this individual enough chances to succeed and they haven’t delivered. A true leader realizes that the individual isn’t learning anything positive if they are allowed to continue subpar behavior. On top of that, the rest of the team internalizes that you condone subpar workplace performance.

 

That experience changed the way that I look at Real Leadership. Yes, it was my job as a leader to support and empower my employees to grow and fulfill their potential. However, it was also my responsibility to recognize when I have given an employee what they need to succeed and still do not witness the needed behavior change.

 

 

A second chance is just that- a second chance. What’s important to focus on is the numeral 2-which refers to the fact that someone has made one mistake and is given another chance to make it right. If it’s the 3rd, 4th or 5th time that you are giving someone a second chance, you need to rethink your own behavior.

 

Practicing Consistency

When I wake up in the morning, I know that someone is waiting for me. I hear a rustling in the corner of the room, and I remember that Myles, the Pug has an expectation. He knows that within the next three minutes, I will work my way downstairs and I will immediately open the backdoor to let him out. Within 45 seconds I will see him at the door, waiting impatiently to come back in the house. He will run over to his bowl, expecting to eat.

 

Myles will run downstairs as soon as he hears me coming in from work. He will follow me around until I change into comfortable clothing. He will stare at me and patiently wait while I put on my shoes. As I take the stairs one by one, he is jumping three at a time. He wants to get to his bowl before I get there. He rushes through his dinner, and runs over to me to get his evening walk.

 

Myles knows that we have three different routes we take in our walk. He expects to see the dog on the corner and gets excited to say hello. He knows exactly how far we will walk and when we will turn around. When we get back to the house, he pulls me up the driveway and waits for me to throw out the garbage. He runs to the door because he knows that I will give him a treat when we get in the kitchen.

 

Myles likes his routine and knows what to expect day after day. He takes comfort in knowing that the same thing will happen every single time. Because he knows what to expect from me, things go a lot smoother and easier.

 

I don’t think it’s any different for humans. We definitely like our habits and routines. The people around us prefer to know what to expect from us. For example, if you know anything about kids, you see how they crave a routine- they like to know what’s going to happen next. Life goes a lot smoother if they know that the same things will be expected of them day by day. And if they don’t deliver on the expectation, it certainly helps when they understand what will transpire next.

 

It’s really no different in the workplace. Have you ever struggled to work under someone’s inconsistent leadership? I have. The reason I struggled was because it was unclear to me what this leader wanted from me. The rules kept changing and I felt anxious by not understanding how to succeed in my job. On top of that, the expectations of each employee differed and were inconsistent. All of this added up to a culture of instability filled with negative emotions.

 

Great leaders show consistency in their actions.

 

They have clear expectations and they treat each and every person with the same level of expectation. They don’t have different rules for different people. The people around them are crystal clear on how to succeed at their jobs. Leaders that are consistent have healthy work environments where people feel safe, trust in their leadership and aren’t waiting for the “other shoe to drop”.

 

Now think about your own behavior. Do you send a consistent message to others? Are you consistent in your actions with others? Do others know what to expect from you day in and day out?

 

Congratulations if you have answered yes to these questions. You are one step closer to becoming a great leader.

 

Practicing Consistency

When I wake up in the morning, I know that someone is waiting for me. I hear a rustling in the corner of the room, and I remember that Myles, the Pug has an expectation. He knows that within the next three minutes, I will work my way downstairs and I will immediately open the backdoor to let him out. Within 45 seconds I will see him at the door, waiting impatiently to come back in the house. He will run over to his bowl, expecting to eat.

 

Myles will run downstairs as soon as he hears me coming in from work. He will follow me around until I change into comfortable clothing. He will stare at me and patiently wait while I put on my shoes. As I take the stairs one by one, he is jumping three at a time. He wants to get to his bowl before I get there. He rushes through his dinner, and runs over to me to get his evening walk.

 

Myles knows that we have three different routes we take in our walk. He expects to see the dog on the corner and gets excited to say hello. He knows exactly how far we will walk and when we will turn around. When we get back to the house, he pulls me up the driveway and waits for me to throw out the garbage. He runs to the door because he knows that I will give him a treat when we get in the kitchen.

 

Myles likes his routine and knows what to expect day after day. He takes comfort in knowing that the same thing will happen every single time. Because he knows what to expect from me, things go a lot smoother and easier.

 

I don’t think it’s any different for humans. We definitely like our habits and routines. The people around us prefer to know what to expect from us. For example, if you know anything about kids, you see how they crave a routine- they like to know what’s going to happen next. Life goes a lot smoother if they know that the same things will be expected of them day by day. And if they don’t deliver on the expectation, it certainly helps when they understand what will transpire next.

 

It’s really no different in the workplace. Have you ever struggled to work under someone’s inconsistent leadership? I have. The reason I struggled was because it was unclear to me what this leader wanted from me. The rules kept changing and I felt anxious by not understanding how to succeed in my job. On top of that, the expectations of each employee differed and were inconsistent. All of this added up to a culture of instability filled with negative emotions.

 

Great leaders show consistency in their actions.

 

They have clear expectations and they treat each and every person with the same level of expectation. They don’t have different rules for different people. The people around them are crystal clear on how to succeed at their jobs. Leaders that are consistent have healthy work environments where people feel safe, trust in their leadership and aren’t waiting for the “other shoe to drop”.

 

Now think about your own behavior. Do you send a consistent message to others? Are you consistent in your actions with others? Do others know what to expect from you day in and day out?

 

Congratulations if you have answered yes to these questions. You are one step closer to becoming a great leader.

 

Quick Judgements

I was attending a wedding out of town and my husband decided he needed to pick up a few things at the mall. I had nothing pressing to shop for so I was just along for the ride. After he picked up a couple pairs of pants, we made our way to the second floor to use the restroom.

 

While walking to the second floor, he suggested I go in the store near where I was waiting for him. Well, why not, I thought. I peered into the women’s store to check out what they had to offer. My first thought was, the clothes definitely don’t look like me. I took a quick look at the salespeople and saw that they definitely didn’t look like my type. This wasn’t a store that would have anything that I want and I wasn’t sure that I would feel comfortable in there.

 

Now, all those thoughts that I just mentioned happened in seconds. I wasn’t really conscious of any of this thinking. However, I looked again into the store and on the far wall, I saw a dress. Regardless of my earlier thoughts, I walked through the store and over to the far wall. There, I stared at the dress and admired the details. It looked well made and would be perfect for a wedding. I had seen similar dresses at all the top stores. I reached for the price tag and stared a while, trying to comprehend what it said.

 

The tag said $9.99. It wasn’t marked down but was the original price. I am not joking.

 

I grabbed the dress quickly and ran into the dressing room. It fit perfectly and I loved it. I went back and picked up the same dress in another color— when are you ever going to get two dresses for 20.00?

 

So why am I sharing this story about the dress? Well, let’s go back to my thoughts at the beginning of the story. I wasn’t going to walk in the store originally because I had decided that the store was not for me. I had an unconscious bias against the place since the “feel” and the employees didn’t look like me. My brain quickly processed, categorized, and assessed that I didn’t fit into this environment.

 

However, the important nugget in this story is the fact that I was able to override this assumption and walk in the store anyway. As you have already learned, I reaped the benefit from listening to this internal chatter and making a conscious decision that my thinking had no merit.

 

Each one of us is guilty of implicit bias in our day-to-day interactions. Our brains are wired to process information quickly and make rapid speed decisions. Our ancestors were blessed with this ability so they could survive and adapt to dangerous situations. However, this ability often holds us back from living our best life and treating others fairly. Consciously, we might not agree with these stereotypes, but our primitive brain is ruling our actions.

 

So think about your actions in your personal and professional life. Are there situations where you have let your primitive brain make the decision for you?

 

You might lose out on more than just a 10.00 dress.