Month: July 2011

Did you know just how important it is for humans to receive physical touch? Studies have repeatedly shown that children, when denied consistent physical touch cannot survive and thrive in life. It has been proven time and time again that the need for physical touch in infant’s early years is paramount to their physical and emotional health. An infant craves physical touch and emotional connection as much as he or she requires food and air to breathe.

I have memories of my mom taking me out shopping when I was very young. My mother was very friendly and seemed to engage with everyone on a personal level. I have a vision of standing in the grocery line at the store while the cashier discussed her personal life with my mom. I found all of this very strange, but the part I found to be the strangest of all was my mother’s need to touch people when she talked to them. My mother had the need to touch your arm or hand when engaged in conversation with you. This embarrassed me to no end. I would stand there impatiently hoping she would “release them” so we could leave. Little did I know that my mother was truly connecting with people and giving people what they needed with words and her touch.

In the early days training to become a Mental Health Therapist, one of my first clients was a young couple. They had just miscarried their 6-month-old baby the day before the appointment. They were distraught and in much pain. With no training manual to handle this situation, I sensed the right thing to do was to just listen. After the two of them shared and cried throughout the entire session, I had to inform them that their time was over. They got up to leave, exhausted and spent. Again, I went with my instincts and embraced the two of them before they left the room. They seemed grateful for my hug and went on their way. For months afterward, I deliberated whether I had done the right thing. That was not something that was accepted in our training and could be seen as unprofessional.

As I look back on that, I understand my need to conform to what was acceptable behavior in the workplace. However, my instincts were spot on in that situation. The embrace was healing for the two of them. Since then, my belief in the power of touch has grown ten fold. I consistently use this in my work with clients to convey needed comfort, support and acceptance.

So girlfriend, the question for you is, do you use touch in your daily conversation to nonverbally communicate your feelings? Did you know that human touch slows your heart rate, decreases blood pressure and strengthens the immune system? It decreases anxiety by releasing endorphins in the body, the feel good hormones. I guess you could say that human touch can be some pretty powerful medicine.

Looking back, I believe that my Mom was really on to something with her “touching” that I found so uncomfortable at a young age. Now that I think of it, I believe that my mom has left her legacy. I now find it difficult to have a conversation with someone without touching their arm or hand. Thanks Mom!

Yesterday, I ran into a parent that recognized me as the “mother of Alex”. I couldn’t tell you what this man’s name was but I knew that he looked familiar. As he began speaking, I vaguely remembered that he had a daughter. He struck up a conversation with me and wanted to know how my son was doing. Apparently he remembered Alex well, so I told him that Alex had a good year, gave him the name of the school that he attended and shared that he was home for the summer and working. I felt that the amount of information I gave him was appropriate for how well I knew this man.

Because he had asked how my son was doing, I politely inquired as to how his daughter was doing this year. The next fifteen minutes were filled with the many accolades that his daughter was achieving in her life. By the time I was done listening, I knew that his daughter was in the honors program at her university, had a 3.93 average for the year, made the Deans List each quarter, and had placed out of many, many classes due to her Advanced Placement classes taken in high school. In fact, he added that she had felt that school was very easy!

My new “friend” finally took a breath and asked what Alex’s major was. I replied with one word: music. Honestly, I didn’t want to lengthen this conversation anymore than I had to. That one word I shared led to another five minutes of conversation where he described his daughter’s incredible talent in music and how she had received numerous full scholarships in music but chose to turn them down to do something much more incredible. He added that she had been recognized statewide for music awards, was fluent in Spanish and was becoming fluent in other languages. For some reason, I can’t remember what her major was in college- it’s very possible that my brain turned off.

Now don’t get me wrong- I love hearing about young men and women finding success in their lives. I want them to be challenged and find where they belong in the world. The problem with this specific encounter was that I hardly knew this man. Why would he think that I would be interested in learning about the details of his daughter’s grade point or the financials behind the money they received for school? In fact, why would anyone beyond her family and close friends really be interested in this information? In this conversation, I learned absolutely nothing about how she was doing.

The point is, I don’t expect or want him to share all this information. Sometimes, I’d like more parents to realize that success in a young person’s life is not ONLY about external achievements. Being a success in life is uncovering your strengths and talents and deciding how you would like to utilize your gifts. Being a success in life is about learning and accepting who you are, staying strong for what you believe in and following your heart. Being a success in life is about becoming adept at relationship building- knowing how to keep and nurture friendships, and knowing how to navigate romantic and work relationships. Being a success is about gaining insight into what is important in your life and finding your voice with others. Finally, being a success is becoming a strong woman and knowing what you need to be happy.

If you go to a bookstore, chances are, you can get lost in the self-help section. It can be overwhelming simply perusing through the many relationship books. Somehow each book promises to share the secrets to the perfect life, snagging the perfect man, and ultimately having the perfect relationship. Well, let’s get something out in the open right now− there is no perfect life, no perfect relationship and definitely no perfect man. (Hopefully you already knew that.) There are, however, a couple constants that exist in every healthy, happy relationship:

• Both partners in the relationship respect and trust each other. In other words, you like what you see in this man. He has the qualities that you respect in your friends and family, and the ones that you aspire to possess for yourself. Most of the time (they all have their moments), you are proud of him and proud to be with him. He feels the exact same way about you.

• Both partners allow each other to be individuals first, a couple second. Your man and you have your own interests and identity. You are not dependent on him for your identity and vice versa. You are two emotionally healthy individuals that come together to be a great couple. He brings out the best in you and you bring out the best in him. He pushes you to be your best and accomplish your goals in life and you do the same for him.

• This is your best friend and the one you want to share the best of life with, and the one you run to when things go bad. This is how you develop intimacy- sharing the good, the scary, and the bad. He knows the real you and you know him inside and out. This is called being your “authentic self’ with each other. You can count on each other to be there- no matter the situation.

Now, here girlfriends, is the real important one

• You are both very aware when you are not getting your needs met in the relationship. You are able to articulate what you need to be happy to your partner without attacking and game playing. This is a difficult one for a lot of women. Women often struggle being able to communicate their needs for a variety of reasons; feeling they don’t deserve better, fear of rejection or just not understanding self. Some women expect the man to “figure it out” and when he can’t, they are angry.

There are many many more ingredients to a happy and healthy relationship but these build a strong foundation. If these are in place, there is a very good chance that the relationship can grow and thrive!!