Tag: friendship

I will admit it— I don’t like to make mistakes. I happen to have a reoccurring dream that attests to this fact.

 

I’m sprinting across campus to my college class. Mere seconds before, I look at my class schedule and discover that I am supposed to be in my Science Class.  My feet are not moving fast enough to get there in time and I’m extremely distraught. It’s as if I’m standing still, yet I feel myself working so hard to move forward. I run to the building and pull open the double doors to an auditorium-sized room. Everyone stares at me as I run into the room out of breath.  Only then, I realize that everyone is taking their final exam and I’ve missed every single class in the whole quarter!

 

I believe that the big fear in my dream is making a mistake.  I’ve failed to look closely at my class schedule and make note of when I need to be at my class.  I’ve failed for numerous weeks to look at my class schedule and get to my class.  That’s a pretty big mistake and apparently, my subconscious is telling me I don’t like to make mistakes.  As if I didn’t already know that.

 

I’m going to imagine that many of you reading this don’t like to make mistakes in life. If you’re a girlfriend that holds yourself to very high standards, you know what I’m talking about here. However, making mistakes is just part of life, and to become comfortable with the idea, you might just have to change your perspective on messing up.  So to help you understand why it is important to make mistakes, read on.

 

Making Mistakes is a learning tool.  There is no way you can become proficient in any aspect of your life without making the occasional mistake.  The truth is, we learn much more from falling flat on our face then we ever do from being successful.  But here’s the key, if you’re spending time ruminating about falling flat on your face, forget it.  Assess the situation, be honest with yourself and learn how to be more effective next time.  Don’t equate the mistake with your self-worth.  Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

 

Challenging yourself in life means that you will probably make mistakes. Yes, it’s scary to mess up but if you want to be successful in life, you need to take chances.  When you take chances, you run the risk of being wrong and making a mistake.  If you’re more concerned with making mistakes than achieving your goals and dreams in life, you’re definitely going to miss out on a lot of life’s experiences. You’re going to feel stifled and never evolve into the person you were intended to be— your best self. So, push yourself outside your comfort zone and experience life!

 

View mistakes as a warning to take heed in life. For example, if you were backing out of your driveway and you hit your son’s car because you were too scattered and not focused, use that as a warning that you might need to change your life.  View it as a positive that you have been given a sign in life— you might be taking on too much and need to slow down a bit. Then just let it go and move on.  That’s exactly what I did a few months ago.

 

Face it— everyone, and I mean everyone makes mistakes— its just part of life. Remember to have a little compassion for YOU when you mess up.  Don’t let it stop you from living your absolute best life.

I was shopping at Anne Taylor Loft a few months ago.  As it’s my ritual in every store I enter, I first walked over to the sale rack to see what bargains I might be able to find. The rack was pretty picked over, but hiding behind two other pairs of pants was an awesome pair of jeans. I excitedly noticed that the size was right so I reached for the price tag.  According to the ticket, these awesome jeans were just $8.00!  Feeling an adrenaline rush, I made my way to the dressing room to see if they would actually fit. As I hurriedly pulled them up, it dawned on me that I had just come across the bargain of a lifetime.  They fit perfectly and I was overjoyed!

 

As I carried them to the counter to make my purchase, I began contemplating what I was going to wear them with and when my find would be unveiled. I handed them over to the sales clerk and she looked at the price tag and then back at me.  She rang them up and then said “You realize that these are not returnable because they’re only $2.88. Do you still want them?“ I looked at her incredulously and asked if she was sure about the price. Apparently, the jeans had missed a markdown on the ticket and then received another discount when it was rung up on the register.

 

Yes, it’s true— I paid $2.88 for my awesome jeans and I thoroughly enjoy them on a regular basis. The same goes for my all-time favorite blazer that I bought at Kohls Department Store. I rarely see anything on their sale rack that appeals to me, but that didn’t stop me from searching through all the clothes on the day my blazer turned up. That day, I hit the lottery.  My fabulous blazer, which always gets me loads of compliments, cost me only $6.00.

 

At this point, I think it’s important for me to share my philosophy about shopping; you never know where you’re going to find the perfect purchase.  I never discriminate or judge any store I come across before I walk into their door. Frankly, I treat Goodwill and Wal-Mart exactly the same way I treat Nordstrom’s sale rack.  You know why? Because you never know what treasures you might find hiding.

 

Are you wondering why I’m sharing this story about shopping in the first place?  It’s because I believe that my approach to shopping is an analogy to being successful in many parts of your life. For example, if you want to be successful in business, you need to be open and nonjudgmental to every person that comes your way.  You really have no idea how that person might impact your life and help you get closer to your goals. You truly don’t know where that next big sale is going to come from.  Don’t lose out on an opportunity because you judge the situation without having all the facts.

 

If you’re single and desire a relationship, don’t fall into the trap of not being open to opportunities before you’ve given them a chance. Allow yourself to be open to new situations and new people. You just never know where that perfect individual is hiding.  Don’t make a rash judgment about where you should meet someone or what is acceptable in a partner and lose out on the love of a lifetime or a fabulous new friend.

The bottom line is this; treat each person you come across in life with the same level of kindness, respect and authenticity, no matter what you have to gain from the situation. And if you want to achieve your dreams in life, don’t judge a book by its cover.

 

 

As everyone knows, I’m a strong supporter of women who think big.  That’s why I just love the whole idea behind Bad Girl Ventures.  This great non-profit micro-lending organization is dedicated to giving women the tools they need to grow their own business.  With their guidance, women can achieve their life-long dreams.

 

The other day I was lucky enough to sit down with one of the past winners of the graduating class of Bad Girl Ventures, Stacey Shiring.  Stacy started her own website design company, Shiring Design, in 2009. But that just wasn’t enough for Stacey, because apparently Stacey thinks big.  This year, Stacey started Bridal Divas Ink, a company that designs custom wedding invitations for brides-to-be.  Stacey knew that this new business would be different than anything else she had ever experienced, so she went looking for help.  Bad Girl Ventures gave her the financial, emotional and educational support that she needed to achieve her goals.

 

When I come across women that think big, I’m always searching for the characteristics that set them apart from their peers.  What makes them special and unique? It didn’t take me long to make my list after talking to Stacey.

 

Don’t be scared to take a chance in life.

Stacey understands that in order to be successful, you have to be fearless. She once told me that a businessman confided to her that he had been bankrupt 8 different times before he became a success. This really resonated with her. She realizes that starting a business means there will be times when you’re on top of the world, and others where you feel like you’re at the bottom of the garbage heap. The act of failing just means you pick yourself up and try again.  She accepts that as part of the liability of owning your own business and she is okay with that.

 

You need to love “getting there”.

It’s clear to me that Stacey is passionate about the growth process in a business. Starting with just an idea and then developing a coordinated detailed plan to achieve your goals is truly exciting to her.  Although she looks forward to reaching her end goal, it is evident that the actual process gives her much satisfaction. She is enjoying the ride.

 

You have to be able to admit when you don’t know everything.

In fact, Stacey acknowledges that she had a lot to learn when she started her second business.  She knew that growing this business would be very different from the first. She commits daily to the fact that successful women always need to be open to hearing that they might be wrong.  If there’s a better way to do something, she wants to know what that is.  She feels that this is key to being a success in her field.

 

You must be one with change.

Stacey has made a lot of changes in her life. She started school as an Opera Major before making a change to the DAPP program at U.C. She’s able to shift easily with ideas and direction without getting rattled. If she makes a mistake, she just doesn’t have time to fixate on it.  She sees this as a huge waste of her energy. Instead, she just keeps trudging forward.  Change is all around you when you’re running a new business.

 

After speaking with Stacey, I’m convinced that this is a girlfriend that has found her inner sass.  She is fearless and thinks big.  She finds change exhilarating and is open to new and better ways to accomplish her goals. She believes in herself and goes after what she wants in life. I have no doubt that Stacey will accomplish her lofty goals.

Are you happy?  Do you wake up in the morning excited to tackle your day?  In my line of work, I come across many girlfriends that are searching for the secrets to finding happiness and success in their professional and personal life.  From where I sit, there are a couple themes that keeping popping up in the lives of women that are struggling to achieve their “sass”.

 

You are waiting for others to change your universe.

If I had a penny for every time I saw this one, I would be quite wealthy by now!  Stop waiting for someone or something else to change your life. If it’s a marriage, you need to figure out how to make YOU happy.  If it’s a job, find out what YOU can change in your career to achieve your goals. YOU are the captain of your own ship.   You are in charge of steering the ship to your desired destination. Only you have the control to change your direction.

 

You surround yourself with people that don’t bring out the BEST in you.

If there are toxic people in your life, take some action now!  It’s very possible that some of these people are family or close friends.  If so, you need to reassess what part they should be allowed to play in your life.  So how do you know if they’re bad for you?  When you’re finished spending time with these individuals, you’re exhausted and unhappy.  You feel as if the life has been sucked out of you.  Draw some lines in the sand and take care of yourself.

 

You focus on what you DON’T have instead of what you DO have in your life.

There are times in our lives when each one of us falls into this line of thinking.  However, there are some girlfriends that don’t just take a vacation here— they stay here for an eternity!  They spend their lives always thinking the grass is greener across the street.  You have absolutely nothing to gain by living your life in this manner. You know, there really is something to this gratefulness thing everyone is talking about!

 

You are so obsessed with looking back, that you miss the awesome possibilities in the present and future.

The only thing that you have to gain by looking in the past is a better understanding of where things may have “gone wrong”.  Once you have this self-awareness, you can move forward to make the changes needed to be happy and healthy in the future.  You can change the patterns and behaviors that are holding you back.  Beyond that, the past is the past.  Let go of this negative pattern and live for today.

 

You get way too comfortable in your life and refuse to move forward

Welcome to 2012! Life changes and your ability to roll with those changes are pivotal to your happiness and success. I have seen girlfriends dig in their heels and refuse to step outside their comfort zone. What’s the worst that can happen— you feel a bit uncomfortable?  If you want to be happy and successful then you need to keep challenging yourself.  Consider whether you are challenging yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally and incorporate this mentality into your life.

 

Girlfriends, don’t become a victim to one of these poisonous behaviors.  Recognize your negative pattern and get help, if needed, to make some changes in your life. You deserve so much better!

There are times when it is difficult for us to see all the possibilities that are present in our life. When we hit a downward spiral in our lives, we are often so focused on the emotions involved in this bad turn that we miss the opportunities that truly exist.  The pain that comes in the form of anger, disappointment, jealousy and fear seems to suck up all our energy and focus. So much in fact, that we often miss the great opportunity that’s right in front of our eyes.

 

I know a girlfriend that worked numerous years in her position in a large well-known corporation.  Slowly, she worked her way up to a great salary and a job she could count on, thanks to her dedication of time and energy. Through the years, there were times when she liked her job and there were many other times when she did not. She’s stayed in this position because of the safety, security and wonderful benefits that this organization has offered her.

 

Recently, she was called to a meeting where she was informed that her division in the company was being dissolved. The group of employees was told that this major change would take place very soon. Imagine the shock of this announcement!  The company also informed her and her co-workers that they would be placed in a temporary position until further notice.  At this point, she was three years away from retirement.

 

We can all imagine the emotions that this girlfriend was feeling. She put in her time and this is how she was being rewarded! Her anger is palpable every time she opens her mouth.  Although her anger is to be expected in this situation, her emotions are getting in the way of her ability to see the possibilities.

 

What possibilities, you ask? Well, at the present moment, this girlfriend feels that she has only one choice. She is focused on the fact that she’s lost her valued position and has been temporarily moved to an unknown situation. She’s stuck in swirling emotion and can’t see outside of this feeling. But here’s the reality: if she can get out of her own way, maybe she can see what opportunities she really has in this situation.

 

If she could do a little brainstorming and thinking “outside the box”, maybe she could find an even more rewarding job. Why can’t she be creative and imagine what other talents she would love to use in the same organization?  Why not do a little snooping and find out other possible positions that might be a good fit or the names of whom she should connect with?  She could be proactive: develop a well thought out proposal and convince the supervisors that she belongs in this new area. Maybe she could take a totally different tactic and decide to leave to explore her passions.  The point is that she could actually end up in a much better place than she was before! Instead, she’s wasting her time lamenting her lot in life.

 

I’m a firm believer in taking charge and making things happen. Open your eyes, look around and see all the possibilities. Don’t allow others to dictate your happiness in life.  Alexander Graham Bell had it right— “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I first heard the news while I was working out at the gym. I was 25 minutes into my workout on the elliptical when the Today Show announced that Seal and Heidi Klum were separating and headed for divorce.  As the anchors continued to discuss the separation, they read a statement from the star’s publicists stating how much love and respect they have for each other.  Heidi and Seal hoped that the separation process was as smooth as possible.  I was shocked to say the least.

 

Let me digress for a moment. We’re all aware that it’s extremely difficult to make a relationship last when you are a celebrity. However, it appeared that they were different from the others in Hollywood.  They had found the secret to long lasting love. Every picture I saw of the two of them showed a couple very much in love.  Every article I read about the two of them discussed their strong devotion to each other and their four children.  In fact, it was common knowledge that every year Heidi and Seal renewed their vows to each other.

 

The thing is, I’ve always had this vision of Seal and Heidi having the PERFECT marriage.  I bet you did as well.  Why wouldn’t I be shocked to hear that they were ending their marriage? They always looked so happy together and openly talked about their happiness on every show they appeared on. They shared their secrets to having bliss in a relationship in every magazine article. They made numerous public displays of affection. So why did they have to let me down?

 

Relationships are difficult. I don’t know anyone that would dispute that fact.  As time goes on in a relationship, both individuals need to work hard to nurture the relationship.  If one of the individuals stops trying, the relationship will falter.  I hate to say it, but there’s no such thing as perfect love.  Every relationship is fragile and needs constant watering and care by both parties in order for it to thrive. Even in Hollywood.

 

Often, we get caught up in the illusion of love.  Face it— our lives can be pretty mundane compared to celebrities. Seal and Heidi’s lives seemed downright glamorous. They appeared to have it all.  Maybe we began to buy in to their illusion, the world they wanted to paint for us.  When you look back, you begin to wonder whether Heidi and Seal were trying to convince themselves as much as us, that everything was wonderful.

 

The next time you begin to ponder why your relationship is not as great as your neighbors or your friends, think again. There is no perfect love or perfect guy. My mother use to say, “no one knows what goes on behind closed doors”.  That perfect marriage you covet is probably not as perfect as you think. Take that energy that you’re wasting on the illusion and invest it into your own relationship.  You’ll be glad you did.

 

 

My mother was known as a very wise woman.  On a regular basis, women would come to our house seeking my mother’s wisdom. I vividly recall her various friends sitting around the kitchen table, waiting for my mom to help them solve their issues and make sense of their predicament.  She somehow had a knack at understanding people and seeing through to the truth in every situation.

 

One of my mother’s favorite sayings was “don’t air your dirty laundry”.  She felt that you shouldn’t share all the bad stuff going on in your life. My mom believed that it was best in life to keep it quiet.  Now that I’m older, I question her wisdom.

 

On one hand, I agree with this principle.  People truly don’t need to know every detail of your life, nor am I sure that they are even interested. Frankly, does everyone really need to know the intimate details of your dysfunctional childhood? Being able to assess what should be shared and what needs to be kept to yourself and your most intimate friends is part of having healthy boundaries. In other words, having healthy boundaries in life means you’re able to ascertain what is too much information to share.

 

On Facebook, you see this concept played out time and time again.  I’m always shocked at the personal information that women are more than willing to share with others. Must you share with 400 of your “closest” friends the horrible details of your divorce?  Maybe it’s not such a great idea for you to divulge to 400 people the embarrassing personal problems that you’re having with your teenage daughter. Your “friends” have absolutely nothing to gain or learn by receiving this information and you have nothing positive to gain by sharing it.

 

On the other hand, there are women that make it a habit to share absolutely nothing in life that’s the least bit negative.  These are the ones that adhere to the “don’t air your dirty laundry” rule to an extreme.  They want everyone to believe that they are living the perfect life.  These women are eager to give the illusion that their careers, kids and husbands are wonderful and their life is always fabulous.  The reality is that their life is like an airbrushed picture in a magazine— at first glance it looks great, but after awhile, you get the distinct feeling that it’s way too good to be true.

 

Who hasn’t seen this on Facebook?  Women post the most wonderful accomplishments of their children and perfect pictures of their families.  They describe the wonderful places they’ve traveled and the fabulous guy that they married.  The problem with this way of life is that you can only go on for so long before your illusion comes crashing down around you. Living in denial and not dealing with your issues honestly catches up with you.

 

I believe the best approach is to take the middle of the road.  It’s healthy to be “real”, but not to the point where you have to share every intimate detail of your life.  It’s healthy to share embarrassing and upsetting pieces of your life with your closest confidantes— people that you can trust.  Friends that can help you sort through the pain and ride with you to the other side are the ones you should “air” to.  It is not healthy for your life to be an open book.  So girlfriends, find a balance.  Be real, be healthy, but be smart.

 

I met Wendy at a networking event in October.  While the two of us talked, it wasn’t long before we discussed plans to meet for lunch.  Deep in conversation, Wendy told me that her mother was involved in a weekly women’s group. She said that they referred to it as the “Angel Group”. They would meet to discuss all the struggles that go along with being a woman in today’s world.

 

Wendy was interested in starting something similar and wondered if I might want to become involved in the endeavor. As you would imagine, the idea intrigued me. What could possibly be more exciting than bringing together a group of women to talk openly about their struggle to be happy and healthy in in life?  I saw it as an opportunity for women to share and support each other as they persevere to achieve their life goals.

 

As fate would have it, I sat down with Lisa two days later.  As we discussed her upcoming opening of her new place, she shared that she was interested in bringing groups of women into the salon in the evening to share and learn.  The light bulb went off in my head and I shared our vision with Lisa— who loved the idea.  When the three of us finally met, we decided that we would keep the monthly evening fun with wine, appetizers and a loose structure. Each of our “Sassy Girlfriend Talks” would discuss a different topic.

 

The response to our event was unbelievable. The RSVP’s kept pouring in— obviously we had hit a nerve in the community.  As the women started to arrive, I began to worry.  There were very young women and there were older women.  There were married women, single women and recently divorced women. A few knew each other, but the majority did not. To be frank, I felt that they had very little in common. I hoped that I could encourage this group to let down their guard and share their feelings.

 

Sitting in a circle, I asked each woman to a take turn and talk about a life change they would make in the coming year. My fear was that I would have to direct much of the discussion and encourage the talk— which was not my vision of the evening. What if they wouldn’t connect with each other?  What if they wouldn’t let others truly see who they really were?

 

As the first woman began to talk, I realized that I was witnessing something incredible begin to unfold.  One by one, each woman exposed her fears, her hurts, and her vulnerabilities.  As each woman shared her story, the other women intensely listened and validated the feelings shared. The walls came down and the tears flowed. In the end, my job was so easy— I just had to be quiet and allow the women to bond with each other and offer support and guidance.  This was “their” group and I wanted them to own it.

 

Near the end of the evening, new friendships were formed as the women hugged and exchanged contact information. Looking back, I realize that it didn’t really matter whether the women in the room had anything in common.  They were all women and that was apparently enough.  I know that each girlfriend went home that night feeling a little sassier, a bit smarter and had become a firm believer in the power of siste

 

People often ask me what it’s like to be married for 30 years.  They want to know the secret to having a relationship that endures for that long. Let me rephrase that— they want to know what the secret is to having a relationship that not only endures the 30 years, but one where both partners are actually still happy.  Well, I’m here to give you one of the keys to relationship longevity.  But first, let me share a story that happened the other day.

 

An old friend of my husband’s was visiting Cincinnati during the holidays.  He stopped by to say hello since we hadn’t seen each other for quite some time.  We got caught up discussing family and friends and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave.  As he stood in the front of the house to say goodbye, he took a long look into the living room.  He stared in there for a moment, and then said, “I can’t believe that she let you do that to the room”.  I looked in the living room to see what he was talking about.

 

You see, my husband has transformed our living room into a music room.  He’s purchased massive speakers that I guess you could say, “stand out”.  In addition to this, he’s placed huge obvious squares on the ceiling that are supposed to improve the quality of the sound. He’s moved furniture around to increase the optimal sound for his music listening.  The living room looks vastly different than it did when I first decorated. However, it does look better than the day he rented a drywall hoist to put the huge squares on the ceiling.  When I walked in my house that day, I thought he had lost his mind.

 

My ability to not even remember that the living room looks a bit different is why we stay happily married. Here’s how my brain works— I assess the situation at hand (my husband has transformed the living room) and I question whether I should truly be upset over this.  This is what I’m thinking when confronted with this information:

 

1. Wow, that room looks ridiculous!

2. Hmmm…I see this makes him really happy.

3. How does the ridiculous room set-up impact my life?

4. Does the negative impact outweigh the pleasure it is giving him?

5. Oh well then, who cares.

 

And then, I let it go forever, and go on to something else.

 

I suppose this wouldn’t work in our relationship if he didn’t appreciate what I do for him.  If he took it for granted, it probably would change my response next time.  But that’s not the case— he’s so grateful that I allow him to enjoy his passion in life that I reap the benefits for my attitude over and over again.

 

 

The big secret to relationship happiness is picking your battles.  Let the small stuff go so you can enjoy the relationship.  Yes, I realize it’s sometimes hard to just “let it go”. It’s easier said than done.  It might help if you tried to keep this in mind:

In the long run, you probably have a whole lot more to gain than lose.

 

 

My best girlfriend had testing done last week and I was anxiously awaiting the results. You know when you have a bad feeling about a situation but you just don’t want to go there?  You see, my girlfriend is not a warrior by nature— I take care of that role. While talking to her, I was positive and supportive, but in my mind I was anything but that. I tried to remind myself that I was just being neurotic, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. My gut instincts were working overtime.  She promised me that she would call me as soon as she got the news.  She was supposed to hear Tuesday, and then by Wednesday at 11:00, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I broke down and called her again.

 

I asked her calmly, “So, have you heard from them yet?”  She replied with a yes and then paused.  Those few seconds told me everything I needed to know. And then she said those four words that I was dreading to hear, “I have breast cancer”.

 

It’s funny, I remember exactly where I was on the freeway when I heard those words, because it seemed like everything changed for me at that moment.  I really didn’t expect the news to hit me so hard— but it did.  Why would this throw me? — I’m trained as a Mental Health Therapist and I’ve dealt with all kinds of horrible, emotional situations with such calm.  I’ve even worked specifically with women struggling with Breast Cancer! I pride myself on always knowing how to handle any situation, not letting my good judgment be taken over by my emotions. Always knowing the right thing to say at the right time.  But this time, I pretty much crumbled.

 

I went totally by my instincts from that moment on.  I reminded her how much she was loved and how many friends she had in her life.  I promised her that I would help her get through every step of the process that she was about to go through. I also let her know how there were great advances in treatment in the last couple of years that were changing the face of this disease.  It surely wasn’t going to be fun, but we were going to get through it.

 

And when I finished sharing all of that, she did the most incredible thing.  She said to me, “I’m sorry that I didn’t get to call you back yesterday— I’m so excited about your great news in your business. It’s all so awesome for you.”  I was just stunned.  Here she was in the midst of her big crisis, feeling scared and sad, and she was thinking of me! This was probably the worst time of her life and she was still thinking about my good fortune and success.

 

A person can have lots of “friends” that they interact with daily, weekly, or monthly.  Those are the people that come and go throughout the different seasons of your life.  If you’re lucky, you have at least one special friend that’s there for you in the long haul.  If you’re lucky, you have one special friend that’s right there with you to celebrate every single success and truly feel your pain when life is looking pretty darn bleak.

 

In a heartbeat, I’m certain that my girlfriend would be standing by me if I just received this news— she’s that kind of friend.  I will surely do the same for her.