Tag: worries

Everywhere I go these days, I hear a lot of women talking about leadership. It appears to be the latest buzzword in the business world.  So, in your opinion, what is the difference between being a manager and being a true leader?

My first job out of college was as an Assistant Manager in a Retail Store. I was trained to understand my job responsibilities and how to effectively perform each task.  However, no one trained me how to actually handle employees. I vividly remember the first day that I was on my own and in charge of the store.  I instructed one of the veteran employees, Mary, to merchandise the new clothes that had just been placed on the floor. Mary, who had been there for years, glared at me and loudly said “no”.  She then refused to listen to me.  I handled the response from her with finesse, professionalism and maturity; I went in the back room and cried alone in the corner.

But while I was in the back room crying and frustrated, something quite wonderful happened.  I went from manager to leader in the next few minutes.  I stopped crying and began to think about how I was going to accomplish my goal; getting Mary to respect my authority and work for me. I realized that I obviously needed a different tactic.  I hatched my plan in the back room; my best strategy was to go back out there and appeal to her compassion.

I went out and asked if we could have a little talk. You see, I knew she had informal power in the store and could convince others of what ever she believed. This was why it was vital that I handle this situation delicately and appropriately. In our talk, I let down my guard and shared with her that I was struggling— this was all new to me and I really needed her help.  I asked her if she would be kind enough to help me through this venture.  Seeing me vulnerable, she jumped at the chance to help and support me. The truth is that while I was in the back crying, I had an epiphany.  In the few weeks that I had worked with her, I noticed a few things about what made Mary “tick”.  I understood what motivated Mary— she was a caregiver and wanted to be needed by others. Also, she wanted to be respected for her expertise and knowledge in the store. She was unimpressed by the recent confident college graduate that they had just hired.

From that day forward, I never had any trouble with Mary.  In fact, Mary loved me and would do anything for me. In the end, Mary respected my work and encouraged me to move up in the company. In those few minutes where I lost my composure in the back, I internalized a lesson for a lifetime.  I forever would understand the real difference between a manager and a leader.  A manager is hired to complete tasks.  A leader completes tasks but much, much more.  A leader knows that in order to be truly effective, she needs to understand how to motivate and inspire each employee.  A leader puts her own feelings aside to accomplish this goal because she sees beyond the short-term goal of completing tasks. The truth is, I knew I wanted to rise to the top, so I figured I better find a solution to my first simple dilemma in management.  And I did.

Right this minute, I am sitting outside on a patio enjoying the bright blue skies and warm sunshine.  There’s a gentle breeze blowing and two birds above me chirping a calming melody.  If I look up from my computer, I can see the palm trees swaying.  Let’s just say that I am feeling pretty content, happy and relaxed, which is a far cry from where I was just 6 days ago.

I am embarrassed to admit this, but last Sunday, I let my inner critic get the best of me.  One reason this happened was because I wasn’t diligent and I let my guard down.  I started listening to the lies my critic tells me now and then.  And here’s the thing, once you start listening to the lies, you can get really carried away.

Last Sunday was a crazy busy day for me-and maybe that statement is a big part of the problem. Now really, should Sunday ever be a crazy busy day?  Sunday should be a relaxing day, a time to regroup. If you are working hard all week, you need down time to reenergize for the coming week. But I was not listening to my own advice and was running full speed ahead.  I spent Sunday trying to accomplish as many things as possible.  I knew my stress level was high, but I didn’t allow myself to stop to think about it; I just kept on going.

I had talked to my son midweek and he was struggling with some issues that had led him to feel unhappy. Considering that he is a sophomore in college, that is not so hard to believe.  Now that I am sane again, I realize that there are good times and bad times when you are trying to grow up.  Anyway, Sunday, sometime in the afternoon, I decided to give my son a call and see how he was doing.  The phone rang once and then went right to voicemail.  I tried again and the same thing happened.  My inner critic started and I did everything I could to allow him to excel at his work. “Why wouldn’t he answer his phone in the middle of the afternoon?  Is he sleeping the day away because he’s so unhappy?  Is he miserable and I am not taking this seriously when I talk to him?”  I can honestly say it went downhill from there into some territory that was downright ridiculous!

I had worked myself up to a frenzy when I gave him a call again at 5:30 pm and he answered.  My critic informed me that he had just woken up-my reality did not.  “Hi mom”, he said loudly with energy. “I just got out of the theatre performance all my friends were in-it was great!!”.  I’ve been there all afternoon-I would love to be in at least one play sometime in the next couple years!”  I asked how he was feeling but I could already tell-back to his usual happy self.

When I hung up the phone, I thought about how happy I was for him and then my mind went to myself.  What a waste of energy on a day when I couldn’t afford to lose any!  How quickly my inner critic had hijacked my sane thinking and poisoned my thoughts.

Your inner critic can be sneaky. Just when you think that you are in full control of your situation, he sneaks in to sabotage your thinking. He knows your Achilles heel and when to strike-he recognizes when you are most vulnerable.  But you can control this-the key is to truly listen to what you need and take it seriously. So girlfriends, stay on guard and refuse to give in to your inner critic!  Listen carefully and stop him dead in his tracks.

I was working with a client the other day when she mentioned that she had always been told she was going to do something very special in life.  This burden of success weighed heavily on her heart throughout her life.  What was the one special thing she was destined to do?  Is she letting everyone down?  Is she supposed to be president or CEO of a massive company in order to fulfill her destiny?  Instead of this being a motivator, this became a massive albatross around her neck.  She was constantly feeling that whatever she accomplished was just not enough.

This leads me to think about how you define success. Everyone seems to be able to tell others what success really is.  You’ve read all the promises out there. “Learn these 5 business strategies and achieve success” or “take this course and learn the secrets to becoming a millionaire”. Do you achieve success when you become president of the United States?  Is it when you have a bulging bank account, or is it when you own 5 houses all over the world?

My dad was not a rich man.  I didn’t grow up in a big house with a lot of material possessions.  My dad sold cars and he absolutely loved his job and was quite good at what he did.   I believe he was a natural born salesman. That’s not to say he didn’t have plenty of bad sales months with the good months. Wherever we would go, people would be excited to see him and give him a big hello.  You see, I didn’t know anyone that didn’t think he was a nice guy. He rarely if ever yelled at us or became angry and he was consistently in a good mood.

Although my dad didn’t appear to be an overly successful man by many standards, he actually believed otherwise.  He felt extremely lucky to have my mom and there was always laughter in the house.  He was so proud that he had three kids that were college graduates, and he had been able to pay for their college educations on his own. He was proud that his house was paid off and he rarely missed a day of work. Everyday that he lived, he felt that he was a very lucky, successful man.

Becoming a CEO of a company when it’s not your passion or goal is not success.  Being president of the United States when you don’t have the skills to do the job well is not success.  Success is being true to who you are and using your strengths daily in your life.  Success is challenging yourself to learn and grow physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially throughout your life. Success is not being afraid to be true to who you are at the core and not buying into what other people dream for you.  You need to dream for YOU.

It’s impossible to evaluate other’s success because there is no universal measure of success.  Many times this idea is contrary to what our culture teaches us. But the truth is we can only gauge how we are fairing in life by our own measuring stick.  Not our mother’s, not our father’s or sibling’s, but what we feel in our heart. Only you know what success looks like.  Success is in the eye of the beholder.

A couple years ago, I volunteered my time directing traffic in and out of the ATP Tennis Tournament. If you’re wondering how I ended up in this predicament, let me explain.  At the time, my son was on the High School Cross Country Team and the parents and kids were asked to donate their time in order to raise funds. If my memory serves me well, that day was one of the hottest days of the entire summer, with highs reaching triple digits. Am I painting a clear picture for you?  Imagine working in the blistering sun all day, directing cars into their makeshift parking spots (which were actually grass and dirt).

The day was exhausting but fairly uneventful until the Tournament officially ended. All of a sudden, thousands of cars wanted to leave the massive parking lot at the very same time.  As we began to direct the cars out of the fields, an accident occurred on the road facing the field.  This meant that everyone’s access to leaving the lot was blocked. The cars were gridlocked in the field and no one could move an inch.  That’s when things really began to heat up.

People in their cars were honking, yelling and cursing at me.  I would try to explain to each one what was going on, but nothing seemed to help.  People wanted out of the field, and they wanted out now. Screaming, men and women told me I was stupid and I didn’t know what I was doing.  I found the whole experience amusing since I view everything that happens to me as a learning experience for better understanding human behavior.

There was one older woman that actually got out of her car. She was screaming at a man who was also volunteering his time.  From where I stood, I could see that he was talking to her, and the more he talked, the more she screamed and cried.  A woman in charge came over to her and began trying to defuse the energy.  Again, I could see that the more they conversed, the more agitated she became and the more she cried.  After 10 minutes of witnessing how things were spiraling down for her, I walked over to try to help.

You might question why I didn’t take charge earlier.  Frankly, this wasn’t my thing and I didn’t want to interfere with people that were actually in leadership roles.  Seeing that things were getting out of hand, I decided to step in.  I walked up to her, put my hand on her shoulder and asked her what was wrong.  She screamed, cried, and explained her frustration and I replied that I totally understood it. Basically, I validated her— I agreed with everything she said. Then softly I explained to her why our hands were tied.

You know what happened? She immediately began to calm down. Knowing that someone understood her was all it took.  She got back in her car and the two of us even had a little laugh at the end of our talk.

So here’s my point— so many people fail to learn this extremely valuable communication strategy in life: just listen and validate. Let’s face it, you will come across many people in your career that you feel are out of control.  Just repeat their concerns and watch them slowly calm down and begin to listen better.  You will experience this in your family and with friendships— don’t let it throw you.  Just listen and reflect back to them what you believe they are trying to tell you.

Our needs in life are pretty simple— we want to be heard and understood. If you can internalize this fact and incorporate it into your communication skills, you are sure to be a successful girlfriend.

I will admit it— I don’t like to make mistakes. I happen to have a reoccurring dream that attests to this fact.

I’m sprinting across campus to my college class. Mere seconds before, I look at my class schedule and discover that I am supposed to be in my Science Class.  My feet are not moving fast enough to get there in time and I’m extremely distraught. It’s as if I’m standing still, yet I feel myself working so hard to move forward. I run to the building and pull open the double doors to an auditorium-sized room. Everyone stares at me as I run into the room out of breath.  Only then, I realize that everyone is taking their final exam and I’ve missed every single class in the whole quarter!

I believe that the big fear in my dream is making a mistake.  I’ve failed to look closely at my class schedule and make note of when I need to be at my class.  I’ve failed for numerous weeks to look at my class schedule and get to my class.  That’s a pretty big mistake and apparently, my subconscious is telling me I don’t like to make mistakes.  As if I didn’t already know that.

I’m going to imagine that many of you reading this don’t like to make mistakes in life. If you’re a girlfriend that holds yourself to very high standards, you know what I’m talking about here. However, making mistakes is just part of life, and to become comfortable with the idea, you might just have to change your perspective on messing up.  So to help you understand why it is important to make mistakes, read on.

Making Mistakes is a learning tool.  There is no way you can become proficient in any aspect of your life without making the occasional mistake.  The truth is, we learn much more from falling flat on our face then we ever do from being successful.  But here’s the key, if you’re spending time ruminating about falling flat on your face, forget it.  Assess the situation, be honest with yourself and learn how to be more effective next time.  Don’t equate the mistake with your self-worth.  Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

Challenging yourself in life means that you will probably make mistakes. Yes, it’s scary to mess up but if you want to be successful in life, you need to take chances.  When you take chances, you run the risk of being wrong and making a mistake.  If you’re more concerned with making mistakes than achieving your goals and dreams in life, you’re definitely going to miss out on a lot of life’s experiences. You’re going to feel stifled and never evolve into the person you were intended to be— your best self. So, push yourself outside your comfort zone and experience life!

View mistakes as a warning to take heed in life. For example, if you were backing out of your driveway and you hit your son’s car because you were too scattered and not focused, use that as a warning that you might need to change your life.  View it as a positive that you have been given a sign in life— you might be taking on too much and need to slow down a bit. Then just let it go and move on.  That’s exactly what I did a few months ago.

Face it— everyone, and I mean everyone makes mistakes— its just part of life. Remember to have a little compassion for YOU when you mess up.  Don’t let it stop you from living your absolute best life.

I was shopping at Anne Taylor Loft a few months ago.  As it’s my ritual in every store I enter, I first walked over to the sale rack to see what bargains I might be able to find. The rack was pretty picked over, but hiding behind two other pairs of pants was an awesome pair of jeans. I excitedly noticed that the size was right so I reached for the price tag.  According to the ticket, these awesome jeans were just $8.00!  Feeling an adrenaline rush, I made my way to the dressing room to see if they would actually fit. As I hurriedly pulled them up, it dawned on me that I had just come across the bargain of a lifetime.  They fit perfectly and I was overjoyed!

As I carried them to the counter to make my purchase, I began contemplating what I was going to wear them with and when my find would be unveiled. I handed them over to the sales clerk and she looked at the price tag and then back at me.  She rang them up and then said “You realize that these are not returnable because they’re only $2.88. Do you still want them?“ I looked at her incredulously and asked if she was sure about the price. Apparently, the jeans had missed a markdown on the ticket and then received another discount when it was rung up on the register.

Yes, it’s true— I paid $2.88 for my awesome jeans and I thoroughly enjoy them on a regular basis. The same goes for my all-time favorite blazer that I bought at Kohls Department Store. I rarely see anything on their sale rack that appeals to me, but that didn’t stop me from searching through all the clothes on the day my blazer turned up. That day, I hit the lottery.  My fabulous blazer, which always gets me loads of compliments, cost me only $6.00.

At this point, I think it’s important for me to share my philosophy about shopping; you never know where you’re going to find the perfect purchase.  I never discriminate or judge any store I come across before I walk into their door. Frankly, I treat Goodwill and Wal-Mart exactly the same way I treat Nordstrom’s sale rack.  You know why? Because you never know what treasures you might find hiding.

Are you wondering why I’m sharing this story about shopping in the first place?  It’s because I believe that my approach to shopping is an analogy to being successful in many parts of your life. For example, if you want to be successful in business, you need to be open and nonjudgmental to every person that comes your way.  You really have no idea how that person might impact your life and help you get closer to your goals. You truly don’t know where that next big sale is going to come from.  Don’t lose out on an opportunity because you judge the situation without having all the facts.

If you’re single and desire a relationship, don’t fall into the trap of not being open to opportunities before you’ve given them a chance. Allow yourself to be open to new situations and new people. You just never know where that perfect individual is hiding.  Don’t make a rash judgment about where you should meet someone or what is acceptable in a partner and lose out on the love of a lifetime or a fabulous new friend.

The bottom line is this; treat each person you come across in life with the same level of kindness, respect and authenticity, no matter what you have to gain from the situation. And if you want to achieve your dreams in life, don’t judge a book by its cover.

As everyone knows, I’m a strong supporter of women who think big.  That’s why I just love the whole idea behind Bad Girl Ventures.  This great non-profit micro-lending organization is dedicated to giving women the tools they need to grow their own business.  With their guidance, women can achieve their life-long dreams.

The other day I was lucky enough to sit down with one of the past winners of the graduating class of Bad Girl Ventures, Stacey Shiring.  Stacy started her own website design company, Shiring Design, in 2009. But that just wasn’t enough for Stacey, because apparently Stacey thinks big.  This year, Stacey started Bridal Divas Ink, a company that designs custom wedding invitations for brides-to-be.  Stacey knew that this new business would be different than anything else she had ever experienced, so she went looking for help.  Bad Girl Ventures gave her the financial, emotional and educational support that she needed to achieve her goals.

When I come across women that think big, I’m always searching for the characteristics that set them apart from their peers.  What makes them special and unique? It didn’t take me long to make my list after talking to Stacey.

Don’t be scared to take a chance in life.

Stacey understands that in order to be successful, you have to be fearless. She once told me that a businessman confided to her that he had been bankrupt 8 different times before he became a success. This really resonated with her. She realizes that starting a business means there will be times when you’re on top of the world, and others where you feel like you’re at the bottom of the garbage heap. The act of failing just means you pick yourself up and try again.  She accepts that as part of the liability of owning your own business and she is okay with that.

You need to love “getting there”.

It’s clear to me that Stacey is passionate about the growth process in a business. Starting with just an idea and then developing a coordinated detailed plan to achieve your goals is truly exciting to her.  Although she looks forward to reaching her end goal, it is evident that the actual process gives her much satisfaction. She is enjoying the ride.

You have to be able to admit when you don’t know everything.

In fact, Stacey acknowledges that she had a lot to learn when she started her second business.  She knew that growing this business would be very different from the first. She commits daily to the fact that successful women always need to be open to hearing that they might be wrong.  If there’s a better way to do something, she wants to know what that is.  She feels that this is key to being a success in her field.

You must be one with change.

Stacey has made a lot of changes in her life. She started school as an Opera Major before making a change to the DAPP program at U.C. She’s able to shift easily with ideas and direction without getting rattled. If she makes a mistake, she just doesn’t have time to fixate on it.  She sees this as a huge waste of her energy. Instead, she just keeps trudging forward.  Change is all around you when you’re running a new business.

After speaking with Stacey, I’m convinced that this is a girlfriend that has found her inner sass.  She is fearless and thinks big.  She finds change exhilarating and is open to new and better ways to accomplish her goals. She believes in herself and goes after what she wants in life. I have no doubt that Stacey will accomplish her lofty goals.

Are you happy?  Do you wake up in the morning excited to tackle your day?  In my line of work, I come across many girlfriends that are searching for the secrets to finding happiness and success in their professional and personal life.  From where I sit, there are a couple themes that keeping popping up in the lives of women that are struggling to achieve their “sass”.

You are waiting for others to change your universe.

If I had a penny for every time I saw this one, I would be quite wealthy by now!  Stop waiting for someone or something else to change your life. If it’s a marriage, you need to figure out how to make YOU happy.  If it’s a job, find out what YOU can change in your career to achieve your goals. YOU are the captain of your own ship.   You are in charge of steering the ship to your desired destination. Only you have the control to change your direction.

You surround yourself with people that don’t bring out the BEST in you.

If there are toxic people in your life, take some action now!  It’s very possible that some of these people are family or close friends.  If so, you need to reassess what part they should be allowed to play in your life.  So how do you know if they’re bad for you?  When you’re finished spending time with these individuals, you’re exhausted and unhappy.  You feel as if the life has been sucked out of you.  Draw some lines in the sand and take care of yourself.

You focus on what you DON’T have instead of what you DO have in your life.

There are times in our lives when each one of us falls into this line of thinking.  However, there are some girlfriends that don’t just take a vacation here— they stay here for an eternity!  They spend their lives always thinking the grass is greener across the street.  You have absolutely nothing to gain by living your life in this manner. You know, there really is something to this gratefulness thing everyone is talking about!

You are so obsessed with looking back, that you miss the awesome possibilities in the present and future.

The only thing that you have to gain by looking in the past is a better understanding of where things may have “gone wrong”.  Once you have this self-awareness, you can move forward to make the changes needed to be happy and healthy in the future.  You can change the patterns and behaviors that are holding you back.  Beyond that, the past is the past.  Let go of this negative pattern and live for today.

You get way too comfortable in your life and refuse to move forward

Welcome to 2012! Life changes and your ability to roll with those changes are pivotal to your happiness and success. I have seen girlfriends dig in their heels and refuse to step outside their comfort zone. What’s the worst that can happen— you feel a bit uncomfortable?  If you want to be happy and successful then you need to keep challenging yourself.  Consider whether you are challenging yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally and incorporate this mentality into your life.

Girlfriends, don’t become a victim to one of these poisonous behaviors.  Recognize your negative pattern and get help, if needed, to make some changes in your life. You deserve so much better!

There are times when it is difficult for us to see all the possibilities that are present in our life. When we hit a downward spiral in our lives, we are often so focused on the emotions involved in this bad turn that we miss the opportunities that truly exist.  The pain that comes in the form of anger, disappointment, jealousy and fear seems to suck up all our energy and focus. So much in fact, that we often miss the great opportunity that’s right in front of our eyes.

I know a girlfriend that worked numerous years in her position in a large well-known corporation.  Slowly, she worked her way up to a great salary and a job she could count on, thanks to her dedication of time and energy. Through the years, there were times when she liked her job and there were many other times when she did not. She’s stayed in this position because of the safety, security and wonderful benefits that this organization has offered her.

Recently, she was called to a meeting where she was informed that her division in the company was being dissolved. The group of employees was told that this major change would take place very soon. Imagine the shock of this announcement!  The company also informed her and her co-workers that they would be placed in a temporary position until further notice.  At this point, she was three years away from retirement.

We can all imagine the emotions that this girlfriend was feeling. She put in her time and this is how she was being rewarded! Her anger is palpable every time she opens her mouth.  Although her anger is to be expected in this situation, her emotions are getting in the way of her ability to see the possibilities.

What possibilities, you ask? Well, at the present moment, this girlfriend feels that she has only one choice. She is focused on the fact that she’s lost her valued position and has been temporarily moved to an unknown situation. She’s stuck in swirling emotion and can’t see outside of this feeling. But here’s the reality: if she can get out of her own way, maybe she can see what opportunities she really has in this situation.

If she could do a little brainstorming and thinking “outside the box”, maybe she could find an even more rewarding job. Why can’t she be creative and imagine what other talents she would love to use in the same organization?  Why not do a little snooping and find out other possible positions that might be a good fit or the names of whom she should connect with?  She could be proactive: develop a well thought out proposal and convince the supervisors that she belongs in this new area. Maybe she could take a totally different tactic and decide to leave to explore her passions.  The point is that she could actually end up in a much better place than she was before! Instead, she’s wasting her time lamenting her lot in life.

I’m a firm believer in taking charge and making things happen. Open your eyes, look around and see all the possibilities. Don’t allow others to dictate your happiness in life.  Alexander Graham Bell had it right— “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”