A Cowbird

image workers fightingI was going for a walk the other day when my friend pointed out a bird that we saw flying overhead. “That’s a Cowbird,” she commented. For a minute, I thought she had said Cowbird, so my response was, “a what?” “It’s a Cowbird!” I had never heard of a Cowbird. I can identify Cardinals and Robins but beyond that, I’m pretty much lost.

 

Since I was curious about this bird, I went home and did a little research. What I found out was fascinating. Apparently, Cowbirds originally relied on wandering Buffalo herds for their food. Their snack of choice was the seed in buffalo excrement— as disgusting as that sounds. Anyway, as the buffalo disappeared from our plains, they adapted to another herd food source. They started spending time with cows and found their food supply in the form of insects in the grass, ticks on the cows and seeds/grains.

 

Since they found their food source with herding animals that always moved on, they would have to lay their eggs and leave them behind in existing nests. To this day, they still follow the same pattern.

 

Cowbirds will lay their eggs in other bird’s nests. They usually pick the nests of smaller species that they can dominate. They have been known to push out the other eggs already laid by the bird and steal their food. They then take off, leaving their eggs in the nest, with the hope that the other bird will care for them. Often, the smaller bird will raise the young Cowbird as its own. Cowbirds lay as many as 40 eggs in a season, which means they spend a lot of their energy trying to find nests where they can leave their not-yet-hatched babies.

 

They have learned how to adapt and thrive at the expense of others.

 

After mulling over this new bit of knowledge, I decided that Cowbirds reminded me of that problem co-worker that I’m sure you’ve encountered at some point in your career. One time, I worked on a group project with three others. The initial idea was mine and I actually did the bulk of the work. I worked very hard on the project and the results were quite impressive. When we presented the project to the big bosses, I began to explain the project for our team and how we would unfold the initiative. Before I could continue, the Cowbird took over. She began to talk in first person and by the end of her soliloquy, she had taken full credit for the idea right through to the end product. She even physically pushed me out of the way during the process. In actuality, she had done none of the work but had left it for me and the other team member.

 

This human Cowbird had learned all too well how to not only survive but also thrive in the working world. The problem was that she had learned how to thrive at the expense of the other workers around her. In case you’re wondering, she didn’t get away with it. Did you really think that I would take that lying down?

 

We had a nice chat and she didn’t ever try it again with me. But I’m sure she attempted to repeat her pattern. This was resilience at it’s worst— she had found a way to survive and adapt but created a toxic work environment in the process.

 

If you currently have a Cowbird in your midst, you need to make sure that they get called out to take responsibility. Their pattern is probably ingrained from many years of practice and won’t change without firm re-direction.

 

A Cowbird

image workers fightingI was going for a walk the other day when my friend pointed out a bird that we saw flying overhead. “That’s a Cowbird,” she commented. For a minute, I thought she had said Cowbird, so my response was, “a what?” “It’s a Cowbird!” I had never heard of a Cowbird. I can identify Cardinals and Robins but beyond that, I’m pretty much lost.

 

Since I was curious about this bird, I went home and did a little research. What I found out was fascinating. Apparently, Cowbirds originally relied on wandering Buffalo herds for their food. Their snack of choice was the seed in buffalo excrement— as disgusting as that sounds. Anyway, as the buffalo disappeared from our plains, they adapted to another herd food source. They started spending time with cows and found their food supply in the form of insects in the grass, ticks on the cows and seeds/grains.

 

Since they found their food source with herding animals that always moved on, they would have to lay their eggs and leave them behind in existing nests. To this day, they still follow the same pattern.

 

Cowbirds will lay their eggs in other bird’s nests. They usually pick the nests of smaller species that they can dominate. They have been known to push out the other eggs already laid by the bird and steal their food. They then take off, leaving their eggs in the nest, with the hope that the other bird will care for them. Often, the smaller bird will raise the young Cowbird as its own. Cowbirds lay as many as 40 eggs in a season, which means they spend a lot of their energy trying to find nests where they can leave their not-yet-hatched babies.

 

They have learned how to adapt and thrive at the expense of others.

 

After mulling over this new bit of knowledge, I decided that Cowbirds reminded me of that problem co-worker that I’m sure you’ve encountered at some point in your career. One time, I worked on a group project with three others. The initial idea was mine and I actually did the bulk of the work. I worked very hard on the project and the results were quite impressive. When we presented the project to the big bosses, I began to explain the project for our team and how we would unfold the initiative. Before I could continue, the Cowbird took over. She began to talk in first person and by the end of her soliloquy, she had taken full credit for the idea right through to the end product. She even physically pushed me out of the way during the process. In actuality, she had done none of the work but had left it for me and the other team member.

 

This human Cowbird had learned all too well how to not only survive but also thrive in the working world. The problem was that she had learned how to thrive at the expense of the other workers around her. In case you’re wondering, she didn’t get away with it. Did you really think that I would take that lying down?

 

We had a nice chat and she didn’t ever try it again with me. But I’m sure she attempted to repeat her pattern. This was resilience at it’s worst— she had found a way to survive and adapt but created a toxic work environment in the process.

 

If you currently have a Cowbird in your midst, you need to make sure that they get called out to take responsibility. Their pattern is probably ingrained from many years of practice and won’t change without firm re-direction.

 

Bad Habits

chain bad habitsMy husband recently had business in Virginia for a couple days and I decided to go along with him. I was a bit nervous to take this trip because I had two big projects looming over my head. However, the chance to ride my bike up and down the mountains held great appeal. If I was going to take the time to ride, I had no choice but to be extremely productive all day Friday. I planned on spending the day making progress on my massive to-do list.

 

I exercised early in the morning, changed my clothes and went downstairs in the lobby of the hotel to find a place to work. I spied the perfect desk away from the activity of the lobby. I unpacked my bag and got organized. And there I sat, for the next 4 hours. Slowly, but surely, I worked my way through two big projects with incredible focus and speed check this. By the time I stopped for lunch, I marveled at what I had accomplished.

 

I took a 10-minute walk, found a place to eat and continued to work. Two more hours flew by and I couldn’t believe how much progress I had made.

 

When I got back home, I gave thought as to why I was able to accomplish so much. It truly was amazing. After doing some thinking, I surmised that my unbelievable productivity was due to habits.

 

Being in a new environment enabled me to break the habits that had become so routine at work.

 

Let me explain further. According to author Charles Duhigg, the habit loop is a three-part process— a cue, a behavior and a reward. The cue signals your brain to go into the automatic behavior. It triggers the whole process. The routine is the behavior that takes place and the reward is pleasure for your brain, helping it remember the loop. Habits make up 40% of our function during the day. They enable us to take part in these behaviors without much energy and while not being mentally aware. Therefore, many of my usual distractions during the day that drastically decrease my productivity are really just my habits— bad habits.

 

For example, when I’m working at my desk at home, I get up numerous times to go to the kitchen and get a drink or something to eat. I’m sure you can imagine my reward for this behavior. At home, I also interrupt what I’m doing numerous times to check my email. I get a great rush every time I hear the ding of another message. My reward is the endorphin rush. When I’m working at my desk at home, I interrupt what I’m doing numerous times to go on social media or to check on the dog.

 

However, I didn’t do any of those things in this new setting. I just worked. In this new environment, my usual routine, which unfolds without much thought, was interrupted and I changed my habits. Actually, I should say that I changed my bad habits.

 

If you’re struggling with being productive in the workplace, give some thought to some of your daily habits. When we work in the same place every day, we acquire routines. Some of them are positive, but I’m pretty sure that some are also negative and get in the way of you being productive. Of course, being honest with YOU is the first step to making some much-needed changes.

Communication Gap

[vc_row][vc_column width=”1/1″][mk_blockquote style=”quote-style” text_size=”20″ align=”left” font_family=”none”]To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. – Tony Robbins[/mk_blockquote][mk_padding_divider size=”20″][mk_dropcaps style=”fancy-style” size=”14″ padding=”10″]R[/mk_dropcaps][vc_column_text disable_pattern=”true” align=”left” margin_bottom=”0″]ecently, I was communicating with a peer over email. We were working on a project that involved massive planning. With each correspondence, I became a little more confused by her responses to my questions. What exactly did she mean by her response? Was she aggravated with something I had said? On my end, I was positive that I was making myself crystal clear. However, after reading and rereading her email it was obvious that her negative tone suggested otherwise. If I was interpreting the message correctly, there was definitely a communication gap between us.

Then my phone rang. It was a fellow colleague that worked with my peer. She wanted to share that my peer was very upset by my rude email. Shocked by this bit of news, I scrolled back through my emails and slowly read each one. I just didn’t get it.

I silently read them and attached the same tone, inflection and meaning that I had originally intended. I still didn’t get it. To me, it looked just fine.

And that was the problem- to me, it looked just fine.[/vc_column_text][mk_padding_divider size=”20″][vc_column_text disable_pattern=”true” align=”left” margin_bottom=”0″]I picked up the phone and called my peer directly. At first, she was so upset that she didn’t want to talk. I encouraged her to have a discussion with me. She vented her frustration as I just calmly listened. She went on to explain how she had interpreted my sent message. After patiently listening to her perceptions, I slowly explained my true intent in the email communication. By the end of the conversation, the misunderstanding had been cleared up and we were on the same page.

Did I intend to offend my email recipient? Of course I didn’t. From my perspective, the letter was straightforward and the tone was friendly. However, it certainly wasn’t received that way.

What I failed to take into account was that my email recipient was not me.

Her experiences, worldview and assumptions were far different from my own. Coupled with that was her inability to see my facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures or posture. These definitely would have helped her to better grasp my intended message.

The communication process is complicated. Two people come together with two sets of perceptions, expectations, experiences and world assumptions. To put it simply, two people come from very different places. In addition to this, our current technology for workplace communication makes it even more difficult to correctly evaluate the intended message. This results in ample opportunities for an epic message fail.[/vc_column_text][mk_padding_divider size=”20″][vc_column_text disable_pattern=”true” align=”left” margin_bottom=”0″]With all this said, my advice to you is to slow down. Often, in our haste to get tasks accomplished, we fail to pick up on the subtleties that make a huge difference. And when the message is very important, you might want to pick up the phone.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Communication Gap

[vc_row][vc_column width=”1/1″][mk_blockquote style=”quote-style” text_size=”20″ align=”left” font_family=”none”]To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. – Tony Robbins[/mk_blockquote][mk_padding_divider size=”20″][mk_dropcaps style=”fancy-style” size=”14″ padding=”10″]R[/mk_dropcaps][vc_column_text disable_pattern=”true” align=”left” margin_bottom=”0″]ecently, I was communicating with a peer over email. We were working on a project that involved massive planning. With each correspondence, I became a little more confused by her responses to my questions. What exactly did she mean by her response? Was she aggravated with something I had said? On my end, I was positive that I was making myself crystal clear. However, after reading and rereading her email it was obvious that her negative tone suggested otherwise. If I was interpreting the message correctly, there was definitely a communication gap between us.

Then my phone rang. It was a fellow colleague that worked with my peer. She wanted to share that my peer was very upset by my rude email. Shocked by this bit of news, I scrolled back through my emails and slowly read each one. I just didn’t get it.

I silently read them and attached the same tone, inflection and meaning that I had originally intended. I still didn’t get it. To me, it looked just fine.

And that was the problem- to me, it looked just fine.[/vc_column_text][mk_padding_divider size=”20″][vc_column_text disable_pattern=”true” align=”left” margin_bottom=”0″]I picked up the phone and called my peer directly. At first, she was so upset that she didn’t want to talk. I encouraged her to have a discussion with me. She vented her frustration as I just calmly listened. She went on to explain how she had interpreted my sent message. After patiently listening to her perceptions, I slowly explained my true intent in the email communication. By the end of the conversation, the misunderstanding had been cleared up and we were on the same page.

Did I intend to offend my email recipient? Of course I didn’t. From my perspective, the letter was straightforward and the tone was friendly. However, it certainly wasn’t received that way.

What I failed to take into account was that my email recipient was not me.

Her experiences, worldview and assumptions were far different from my own. Coupled with that was her inability to see my facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures or posture. These definitely would have helped her to better grasp my intended message.

The communication process is complicated. Two people come together with two sets of perceptions, expectations, experiences and world assumptions. To put it simply, two people come from very different places. In addition to this, our current technology for workplace communication makes it even more difficult to correctly evaluate the intended message. This results in ample opportunities for an epic message fail.[/vc_column_text][mk_padding_divider size=”20″][vc_column_text disable_pattern=”true” align=”left” margin_bottom=”0″]With all this said, my advice to you is to slow down. Often, in our haste to get tasks accomplished, we fail to pick up on the subtleties that make a huge difference. And when the message is very important, you might want to pick up the phone.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Say Yes To Failure

image f on testA number of years ago, I was speaking to a group of 300 women at a conference. This was at the beginning of my speaking career and I was still feeling my way through the motions of presenting. I was confident at the beginning and my presentation started off with a bang. However, as I got further into my hour, I started to lose them. I could feel it happening so I tried every trick imaginable to keep them interested. However, they had an option of either attending my presentation or 4 others in the rooms down the hall. As my presentation began its descent, my audience began theirs.

 

One by one, they walked out, oblivious as to how it affected me. I might add that they didn’t even try to be polite or discreet about their exit. I hung in there, pushing myself to ignore my dwindling audience by focusing on one or two that seemed interested. With a quarter of my audience left, I had never been so glad to end a presentation. I look back on that afternoon as sheer torture— the stuff of nightmares.

 

That presentation was an epic FAILURE.

 

How about the time when I was rocking and rolling through a workshop and then took a quick break? I went to the restroom and came out before I realized that I had left my microphone on during the whole experience. In other words, the entire room experienced my “break” right along with me. And then there was the time in my college Anatomy class where I was responsible for learning the parts of my dissected animal for the major exam. I studied and studied but when it came time for the Final Exam, the Professor’s labeled animal parts looked absolutely nothing like mine. I was lost while I looked around at all the pre-med students that knew exactly what they were doing. I failed that class miserably.

 

That day was another epic failure in my life.

 

Do I even need to share about when I was fired from my job? Can you spell F-A-I-L?

 

I’m sure I could fill this page with many other experiences that stand out but I certainly don’t want to bore you. I have a point to make about failure and I’m slowly getting to it. I believe that we look at failure all wrong. Our failures are kept a secret: a shameful, covered up secret. The more we try to cover them up and pretend they don’t exist, the bigger and more powerful they become. If you give some thought to how you view your failures in life, you would agree with me.

 

I was recently having a conversation with a friend when she got very serious. She whispered a secret about a big fat failure in her life. As we got to the end of the story, I could tell that the failure was weighing her down in life.

 

I shared with her that instead of hiding our failures, we should be proud and flaunt them. We should be passionate about sharing how we failed and lived through the experience. We should realize that having the courage to try is everything. We should know that failing is a part of life and spurs us on to greater things.

 

I had the courage to __________________and I failed.

 

I know this is a tough concept to grasp since our society does not really condone failure. Take a look at social media and you’ll quickly see everyone putting their absolute best self forward— the one that they WANT you to see. But that’s not really the true story. You are a combination of your successes and your failures, and without your failures you won’t have your eventual success.

 

So be proud to share the tire marks where life ran you over and you still lived to tell the story. Stop giving so much power to your failures and internalize the fact that trying and failing takes courage, strength and true grit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Competing Commitments

image better tug of warHave you ever been frustrated because you can’t seem to accomplish what you want at work or at home? Have you ever struggled to get motivated and fought with yourself about it? If you’ve ever questioned what might be behind this nightmare, maybe I can shed some light. Maybe, just maybe, it’s something called a “competing commitment”.

 

I remember having these feelings at a company I worked at many years ago. I was always a hard worker and took my responsibilities seriously. My passion was creating new projects, designing new programs and seeing them thru to fruition. The boss recognized this and had come up with the perfect program for me to create. It would utilize my talents and would take energy and hard work to make it happen. Yes, this project was tailor made for me. You see, I was a mover and a doer— I loved creating huge programs and seeing them come alive.

 

However, something was wrong. Everyday, I came into my work and accomplished all my responsibilities. And then I would spy that folder on my desk. With all my energy, I would will myself to open the folder and try push myself to work. But I just couldn’t.

 

No matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t get anything accomplished. After a few minutes of staring through the folder, I would quietly close it and put it back in the stack on my desk. I would then stare at the folder on my desk, puzzled by my own behavior. I was stressed and disappointed in my actions. This would happen time and time again.

 

Today, I have a better understanding of my strange behavior. I was applying energy toward a hidden competing commitment. Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey define this as a subconscious hidden goal that conflicts with a person’s stated commitments. In my case, this competing commitment was blocking my path to being productive. If I dug a little deeper to understand my puzzling behavior, I would discover what finishing that project would truly mean to me. The key to better understanding my competing commitment? I needed to look at my values and belief system.

 

There, I would find that I was competing with an important value of mine. I didn’t BELIEVE in the work that I was doing. I didn’t BELIEVE that my work was valued or appreciated by my supervisor. I didn’t BELIEVE that my work made a difference. Therefore, I couldn’t move forward.

 

You see, it was very important to me to be true to my life values. I valued doing work with purpose for people that appreciated my efforts. Finishing this project was competing with this deep need.

 

Sometimes people are not productive at work and have no clue as to what’s standing in their way. All the productivity tips from every expert ever are not going to help this person. The answer to the question does not always lie on the surface. Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to figure things out.

 

Next time you see this type of workplace behavior that seems inexplicable, consider the competing commitment. You just might find your answer.

Get Somewhat Happy

image emotionsIf I had a dollar for every time someone has said that they’re “depressed”, I’d be rich by now. You see, being a Mental Health therapist, it’s hard to ignore someone that says that to you. I take it seriously— very seriously. Hearing that word compels me to ask a myriad of questions to get to the heart of the situation. Hearing that word puts me on high alert to closely evaluate the true meaning of their statement.

 

In today’s world, “I’m depressed” can take on a whole different meaning. Often, they’re trying to say, “I’m sad”, or “I’m very unhappy”. That’s vastly different from “I’m depressed”. Feeling sad is a pretty normal emotion over a lifetime. It’s a given that people will experience situations that will make them sad. However, for many people, the minute that they feel a negative, uncomfortable emotion, they don’t quite know what to do with it. It seems as if having any tolerance for uncomfortable emotions has been drastically reduced for many of us. Our ability to ride the waves— a sign of resilience, has diminished.

 

Our culture is filled with messages that tell us that life’s expectation is to be blissfully happy. We should strive to find happiness in our careers, our relationships and beyond. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Personally, I want to be happy too. However, I realize that life is filled with normal ups and downs. Not every minute of your life is going to be filled with the good stuff. This belief has become deeply ingrained in our culture, which leaves many of us to feel that we’re losing out on the good life.

 

The truth is that feeling sad, angry, and hurt does serve a purpose. In fact, it can be very good for you.

 

Negative emotions spur us on to change our lives. They give us the strength and push to go after that new position we want in our career, or finally take that leap in our business. It’s the impetus for us to sever a bad relationship or finally move out on our own. It protects us from staying in dangerous situations where we can be hurt. It encourages us to have that “aha!” moment in our careers.

 

The truth is that we need our negative emotions to help us become the best version of ourselves.

 

Instead of trying to numb our feelings when we’re down or sad, maybe we should search within to discover how we can grow from the experience. Ask yourself this question:

 

What is my sadness and pain trying to tell me? What do I need to change?

I believe each one of us needs to reset our “happiness meter” a bit. We should consider that being content is a good goal as we ride the waves of life. Emotions are the barometer that helps us gauge what CHANGES we need to make in our life. Learn to walk through your sad feelings and you’ll find that you like what’s waiting on the other side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Listen

image listenIt happened about a month ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was attending an event and had worked my way over to this gentleman that I really wanted to meet. Bob (not his real name) and I had been having a wonderful conversation for about 4 minutes when a third person joined us.

 

Neither Bob nor myself had ever met this third individual. She interrupted our conversation and immediately started sharing her story. This story went on and on and on. I patiently waited for her to finish, but that didn’t happen. The story continued as she gave minute details, oblivious to the cues around her. She left no space for the gentleman or myself to say even a word. I hung in there waiting for a turn for at least 10 minutes before it became clear that she was not going to give up control of the situation. I desperately wanted to finish my train of thought with Bob since the interruption had come at a crucial part of our conversation.

 

Seeing no other choice, I finally mouthed to him that I would be contacting him and he smiled back, trying to make the best of the situation. When I was walking away, I heard her sharing all the big accounts that she had landed- not that this gentleman was in the least bit interested. As I walked out to the car, I pondered why she would have been so blind as to not notice that she had rudely interrupted us. I’m certain that in her mind she was having a conversation. From our perspective, it wasn’t a conversation– it was more like a monologue.

 

After giving it some thought, I realized that she was so intent on sharing her information that it never occurred to her that it might serve her to do some listening. She might benefit by noticing the subtle cues of the others and attempting to engage them in her conversation. If she allowed others to talk, she might learn a thing or two. In this case, the end result was one where the gentleman felt as if he was being held hostage, waiting for the chance to be released from his imprisonment. If this was an effort to score a client, I can assure you that her attempt was an epic fail.

 

I know this is an extreme example, but I see many individuals daily in my work that fail to make the grade on their listening skills. They are so intent on relaying their own important message that they forget to actually listen. They fail to remember that focused listening is the key to effective communication. From this, relationships are built.

 

Listening skills matter in your personal AND professional life. Many successful leaders today attribute their ability to listen as the secret to their success. People want to engage in a conversation, not be on the other end of a monologue. So, when in doubt, be quiet and LISTEN.