Rules

Yesterday, I traveled to Columbus to visit my sister. It was her birthday and I wanted to take her out to lunch. After discussing our many options, we settled on our destination and made our way to the restaurant. As we were walking to the door, she commented on my shorts.

 

“Are you wearing white shorts because it’s the last day you can wear them?” She then shared that that was why she had decided to wear her white shorts. This was the last time she could have them on until next year because it was Labor Day. I thought about her comment for a few seconds before responding to her statement.  I replied that it really hadn’t occurred to me that this was my last wearing before I was forced to put my shorts in the drawer.

 

Mind you, I said all of this with a smirk on my face and a sarcastic tone. I then asked her why it was acceptable to wear a white shirt anytime of the year, but white on the bottom half of your body was unacceptable after Labor Day?  This last question didn’t bode well with her.  She shared that she didn’t care what I decided to do, but she always abides by the rule.

 

The next morning, I woke up and went to work out. After my shower, I perused my closet to decide what to wear. I caught sight of my white pants and replayed in my head the whole conversation from the day before.  With a smile on my face, I grabbed the pants off the hanger and proudly put them on.

 

Yes, it was quite a rebellious act.  I was wearing my white pants the day after Labor Day! I tried to pay attention during the day to see if anything unusual would transpire from this risky decision. I don’t want to disappoint you, but absolutely nothing happened.   No one stopped and told me that I had to go home and change. The waitress did not refuse to serve me lunch at the restaurant.  I didn’t see one stare or whisper about my lack of fashion sense. In fact, I felt incredibly sassy all day.

 

I suppose the big question to ponder is this:

Why do women abide by rules that make absolutely no sense? Why wouldn’t you do what feels right to you? Why wouldn’t you just trust your own judgment?

 

It’s very possible that you were, like many women, taught at a young age to be agreeable and follow the rules. You were probably encouraged to please others and were rewarded for doing so.  Even if you’ve become strong and confident, it’s easy to fall back into old patterns. You might blindly adhere to the rules that others have set for you without giving thought as to whether they make any sense at all.

 

The happiest and most successful women in life are able to identify when they should follow the rules and when they should break them.  Now that I think about it, the happiest women know how to MAKE the rules!

Long-Term Solutions

I was having a conversation with a friend at the gym this morning.  We were talking about our children and our lives, and that led to a conversation about relationships.  She shared that she knew someone that was in a bad marriage and had been for years.  She wasn’t sure why this friend stayed in this relationship, but lately, the friend had been telling her about another man that was paying attention to her.  This new infatuation took up a lot of space in her head and the whole thing really bothered my friend.

 

She didn’t understand why this woman was turning to someone else when she had a current relationship that obviously needed attention.  I agreed with her.  Frankly, I’ve seen this same scenario play out over and over with numerous relationships.  Instead of dealing with the situation at hand and facing the uncomfortable truth, many turn to other people to give them what they’re missing.  Common sense tells you that this isn’t going to turn out positively.  Eventually, the whole thing is going to combust and the problems are going to be bigger and harder to solve.  But doing this in the short-term is easier and not as painful.

 

Which leads me to this thought: why do people choose to handle their issues with short-term fixes that feel good instead of dealing with the problem?  I’m not just referring to relationships— I see the same pattern with women and their choices in their careers.  They take the job that pays more initially over the job that has potential and fits their skills better.  The extra money sounds really good and is an immediate fix.  They can’t imagine getting by on less money, even if it means down the road, they could very well have the job of their dreams.  They can’t visualize changing careers and doing what they love because they would have to start over financially and emotionally. All they can see is the long road ahead, which is hard, so they stay exactly where they are.

 

I see it when people are grappling with the decision to start a business.  Starting a business is a major sacrifice in your life. Chances are, you’ll be strapped for money, overworked, and deal daily with frustration.  Success won’t happen overnight and you have to be willing to wait to reap the benefits.  That “sure thing” paycheck seems like a much easier route to take.  It’s the owners that hang in there and are willing to keep working toward their far-away goal that find eventual success.

 

What I’m asking you to do is to think about your own life.  Is there an area of your life where you can’t bear to do the hard work?  Is it a relationship, career, or friendship?  Is it your health?  Is that piece of cake your short-term fix to feel better when you really need to do that one-hour workout at the gym and lose 10 pounds?  Do you find yourself giving in to your kid and letting him have that toy in the store because it’s easier than saying no and surviving the anger and rejection (and tantrum) that will follow the decision?

 

I’m suggesting that you stop putting band-aids on your problems.  There’s no quick way to make a million dollars.  There’s no secret way to instantly lose 20 pounds.  Your obstacles are not going to go away without some long-term planning and hard work. Stop doing what “feels good” in the short-term and face the issue at hand.  In the long run, this is the real recipe for happiness and success.

Listen to Yourself

You might find this strange, but I really do enjoy it when my husband travels and I have the whole house to myself. I don’t have to be on any sort of schedule, which means I can make dinner for myself anytime I want. I can eat anything that appeals to me; if I feel like having breakfast for dinner, I just do it.  I watch television programs that would irritate everybody else but me and I change the channel every 5 minutes.  I can talk to my cats and my dog and no one thinks I’m the least bit odd.

 

The best part of this whole scenario is the following: I do my best thinking when I’m home alone.  When I have the house all to myself, it’s finally silent.  With the quiet, I can fully hear what’s going on inside my head.  I can finally feel, without any distractions, what I’m truly feeling. I can make sense of the things that have been bothering me and let go of the stuff that’s holding me back. I also become clear on what I want to accomplish in life.

 

I wasn’t always this way.  When I knew that I was going to be home alone, I would furiously schedule numerous things to fill my time. I would map out my daily itinerary and make plans with friends for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I would run from thing to thing for fear of being alone.  Now that I’m looking back, I wonder, what was I running from?

 

I’ve noticed a number of clients that seem to follow the same routine.  They overschedule, filling their days and nights with numerous commitments.  They run from one event to the next, filling every hour with lots of people. Their biggest fear is hearing that silence.  You know, that moment when you stop running and just  “listen” to YOU.

 

So, think about that one for a minute, because here’s the absolute truth: in order to grow and develop as an individual, you need to take the time to listen to you.  Until you slow down and start listening to what you’re feeling and thinking, you’re not going to understand what you need, what you want and how to take that information and move forward.

 

What might be at the core of this need to run is the fear of being so close to your feelings. Are you afraid of what that might be?  Do you try to avoid that feeling of being sad, lonely, angry or scared? The only way to get past this is to face it head on.  Just get up the courage and walk through to the other side. That doesn’t mean you should mask that feeling with more people, more food or a few too many glasses of wine.  It means doing the hard work and allowing that feeling to wash over you.  Accept it for what it is. Don’t judge, just observe the emotion.

 

The next time you get the chance to spend some time alone, go for it.  Seize the opportunity to learn more about you. Get clarity on what you want your life to look like going forward and then take action.

The Gift of Kindness

Every single time I do my grocery shopping, I seem to end up in the same checkout lane.  The first time I went through, I noticed that the young man ringing me up didn’t acknowledge me— he just focused on the groceries and did his job.  I have to admit; I felt irritated with his lack of acknowledgement since I’m a big believer in customer service. When it came time to pay, he looked up at me and read the total purchase amount.  That’s when I made the realization that he was hearing impaired. I immediately felt remorse for my hasty judgments.

 

As weeks went by, I became used to seeing this young man during my shopping trip. The experience was always the same; he was a man of few words but did a very thorough and quick job.

 

A few days ago, I went to the same store to do my shopping and proceeded to the checkout lane.  However, this time I noticed a woman working my lane.  When I edged closer to the front, I noticed that the young man was now bagging the groceries. Why wasn’t he working the register anymore?  I immediately searched for reasons why they would have moved him from checking out to bagging.  Did people complain about the experience?  The woman had to help a clerk two lanes down, so the young man jumped in to take over her responsibilities. When she came back, he quietly moved back to bagging.

 

The woman thanked him for taking over and he nodded. I felt compelled to say something.  As he looked up for a minute, I told him how thorough and unbelievably quick he was at his job. He looked me directly in my eyes and then smiled from ear to ear.  He didn’t lose his smile while he focused on bagging my groceries with renewed passion and energy.  It was not lost on me that he was working even harder to please me. When he finished bagging, he looked directly at me, waiting, hoping for another compliment.  Of course, I gave him one.

 

You see, usually I focus on watching my groceries being rung up. It’s Sunday, I’m tired, and I truly don’t want to think or say much. I’m thinking about other things and frankly, I’m off the clock.  I’m sure many of you can relate to this.  However, on this particular day, I looked into the eyes of someone that desperately needed some validation.  Today, I scanned the face of someone that just needed the affirmation that, in the whole scheme of things, the work they do truly does matter.  Their work has value.

 

We often underestimate our own power to make a change in the world around us.  Can we really make an impression in someone’s life with just a comment or a look? Can we really make a difference in someone’s universe in a couple minutes of time? The answer is yes.

 

This holiday season, don’t get so bogged down by shopping, entertaining, and gift-wrapping that you miss the true point. Make someone’s day with the best gift you can give— your kindness.

Life Lessons Learned From a Pup

After Willie the pug passed on to Dog Heaven, my husband refused to entertain any discussions about getting another dog. What’s funny about this scenario is that it was HIM that had insisted on getting Willie in the first place. When my oldest son started third grade, my husband decided that it was time to get a dog. I hadn’t grown up with dogs, so I discouraged any movement in this direction. I grew up in a cat family and I felt more comfortable around them since I had no idea what to do with a dog. I felt totally fulfilled having Fred, the cat.

 

My husband eventually won the war and he found Willie through a Rescue organization. We came to love Willie, even though we spent numerous hours searching for Willie in the neighborhood. Willie had a penchant for “being on the run” and I suppose that’s how he came to be a rescue dog. He perfected his getaway through a tiny space in the fence. The whole family toiled away hours searching for him again and again. In fact, when people would see me driving around the area, they would yell to me “I’ll keep an eye out for Willie.” They didn’t know my name, but they definitely knew his.

 

The point is that Willie wasn’t the easiest first dog. That’s probably why when he died my husband said, “no more dogs.” But I was insistent — I wanted another dog. In fact, I wanted another dog so much that I researched pugs all over Ohio, Indiana and Kentucky, determined to find the right one. The person that didn’t want the dog became insistent on having another dog.

 

With my husband out of town, I drove down to Lexington to pick out a dog. My 17-year-old son fought for the youngest puppy but I set eyes on 6-month-old Miles and knew he was “the one.” We brought him home and I took full responsibility for him. Let’s face it, this was my dog — which is ironic since I originally didn’t even know what to do with a dog!

 

During this time, I was working as a Mental Health Therapist in Social Services. On Mondays, the Psychiatrist would come in to see my clients and prescribe medications. We were eating lunch together and talking when I shared with him my story about picking out Miles, the Pug. “Hmmmm…interesting,” he said.

 

“You do understand why you insisted on getting the dog, don’t you? That dog is a replacement for your children that are almost grown and gone. It gives you something to nurture and love — it’s a healthy way to handle your loss.” What a typical statement from a Psychiatrist! Then, for the next few minutes, I mulled over what he had shared.

 

I had to admit it, but he nailed it! That’s exactly what I was doing; I just wasn’t cognizant of my intentions at the time. That dog was mine and I treated him like a child. I had found a way to deal with the fact that my life was transitioning to a new phase. I was preparing myself for the change in my life by having a new little one to nurture and care for. I did it so effortlessly that I hadn’t even noticed what I was doing.

 

When life changes, you have a couple of options on how to handle it. You can keep looking back and lamenting on how you don’t want your life to change and hang on to the past like there’s no tomorrow. I can pretty much guarantee this option won’t make you very happy. Or, you can accept reality, learn a little more about YOU and figure out how to fill that need in your life in a positive, healthy manner. Delve a bit deeper and discover what will satisfy you today and in the future.

 

And it won’t be the worst thing in the world for you to come home with a dog.

Self-Esteem Quick Fixes

The other day, I came across an article that promised to give women instant confidence and self-esteem in 4 easy steps. Now don’t get me wrong— I highly support all measures to improve self-esteem. However, I’m just a bit skeptical that you can see results in a few hours of time.

 

The truth is that it takes a lifetime to build self-esteem.  You can’t build confidence and self-esteem by listening to a speaker or reading an article about self-esteem. If only it was that easy! Confidence and self-esteem are developed by the consistent actions and behaviors of an individual over a period of time.

 

So what can you do if you’re struggling with confidence?

 

Get to know YOU better.  There’s no way around this one; the key to building self-esteem is getting to know you and understanding what you need to be happy. Are you in touch with who you really are and what you need in life to be fulfilled? Are you aware of your skills, talents and passions and are they a part of your daily life?  I call this “living your life with genuinity”(my own term). Once you live your life true to you, you will feel comfortable and confident in your own skin.

 

Set a goal and accomplish it.  It seems pretty simple, doesn’t it?  You would be surprised at the number of women that go through life without actually defining certain goals they would like to reach.  The thing is that every time you are able to focus on a certain task and meet that expectation, you gain a little more confidence.  You feel a little more certain that the next goal you work on can also be met. No matter what the age, you never outgrow the need to raise and set the bar to reach another accomplishment.

 

Incorporate exercise into your life.  I’m a pretty firm believer that exercise is key for every woman that wants to feel good about herself.  You don’t have to aspire to attain the perfect body— you just need to move on a daily basis. The feeling of becoming physically stronger actually makes you feel mentally stronger.  On top of that, the endorphins released during exercise only add to that good feeling.  Suddenly, you are walking a little straighter with confidence. You feel good about you!

 

Face your fears. In order to feel good about you, get outside your comfort zone and really stretch yourself! This is where self-esteem gets a real boost. What’s ironic about this is that you might stay with what’s safe in life because you don’t want to fail; which you feel would lead to you feeling bad about you. However, the opposite is actually true— the more you stay safe, the less confident and self-assured you become.  It doesn’t feel good to know you don’t have the guts to challenge yourself.  If this sounds familiar, push yourself to take the plunge. The process of facing your fears is a huge step into self-esteem territory.

 

Find your voice. Take a good look at your life. Are you a pleaser?  Do you try to make everyone happy?  Do you feel people take advantage of you at work, or in friendships? Then you need to address this immediately and learn how to have healthier physical and emotional boundaries.  Until you do this hard work, you will struggle with self-esteem. Your ability to be able to articulate what you need, without worrying what others think, is imperative to your confidence level and self-worth.

 

This is what I want you to remember: building self-esteem is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight. It comes with having experiences coupled with consistent work to better understand “YOU”.  It happens when you have a vision of what you specifically need to be happy and you then take action to live that life.