Communication Gap

[vc_row][vc_column width=”1/1″][mk_blockquote style=”quote-style” text_size=”20″ align=”left” font_family=”none”]To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. – Tony Robbins[/mk_blockquote][mk_padding_divider size=”20″][mk_dropcaps style=”fancy-style” size=”14″ padding=”10″]R[/mk_dropcaps][vc_column_text disable_pattern=”true” align=”left” margin_bottom=”0″]ecently, I was communicating with a peer over email. We were working on a project that involved massive planning. With each correspondence, I became a little more confused by her responses to my questions. What exactly did she mean by her response? Was she aggravated with something I had said? On my end, I was positive that I was making myself crystal clear. However, after reading and rereading her email it was obvious that her negative tone suggested otherwise. If I was interpreting the message correctly, there was definitely a communication gap between us.

Then my phone rang. It was a fellow colleague that worked with my peer. She wanted to share that my peer was very upset by my rude email. Shocked by this bit of news, I scrolled back through my emails and slowly read each one. I just didn’t get it.

I silently read them and attached the same tone, inflection and meaning that I had originally intended. I still didn’t get it. To me, it looked just fine.

And that was the problem- to me, it looked just fine.[/vc_column_text][mk_padding_divider size=”20″][vc_column_text disable_pattern=”true” align=”left” margin_bottom=”0″]I picked up the phone and called my peer directly. At first, she was so upset that she didn’t want to talk. I encouraged her to have a discussion with me. She vented her frustration as I just calmly listened. She went on to explain how she had interpreted my sent message. After patiently listening to her perceptions, I slowly explained my true intent in the email communication. By the end of the conversation, the misunderstanding had been cleared up and we were on the same page.

Did I intend to offend my email recipient? Of course I didn’t. From my perspective, the letter was straightforward and the tone was friendly. However, it certainly wasn’t received that way.

What I failed to take into account was that my email recipient was not me.

Her experiences, worldview and assumptions were far different from my own. Coupled with that was her inability to see my facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures or posture. These definitely would have helped her to better grasp my intended message.

The communication process is complicated. Two people come together with two sets of perceptions, expectations, experiences and world assumptions. To put it simply, two people come from very different places. In addition to this, our current technology for workplace communication makes it even more difficult to correctly evaluate the intended message. This results in ample opportunities for an epic message fail.[/vc_column_text][mk_padding_divider size=”20″][vc_column_text disable_pattern=”true” align=”left” margin_bottom=”0″]With all this said, my advice to you is to slow down. Often, in our haste to get tasks accomplished, we fail to pick up on the subtleties that make a huge difference. And when the message is very important, you might want to pick up the phone.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

Competing Commitments

image better tug of warHave you ever been frustrated because you can’t seem to accomplish what you want at work or at home? Have you ever struggled to get motivated and fought with yourself about it? If you’ve ever questioned what might be behind this nightmare, maybe I can shed some light. Maybe, just maybe, it’s something called a “competing commitment”.

 

I remember having these feelings at a company I worked at many years ago. I was always a hard worker and took my responsibilities seriously. My passion was creating new projects, designing new programs and seeing them thru to fruition. The boss recognized this and had come up with the perfect program for me to create. It would utilize my talents and would take energy and hard work to make it happen. Yes, this project was tailor made for me. You see, I was a mover and a doer— I loved creating huge programs and seeing them come alive.

 

However, something was wrong. Everyday, I came into my work and accomplished all my responsibilities. And then I would spy that folder on my desk. With all my energy, I would will myself to open the folder and try push myself to work. But I just couldn’t.

 

No matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t get anything accomplished. After a few minutes of staring through the folder, I would quietly close it and put it back in the stack on my desk. I would then stare at the folder on my desk, puzzled by my own behavior. I was stressed and disappointed in my actions. This would happen time and time again.

 

Today, I have a better understanding of my strange behavior. I was applying energy toward a hidden competing commitment. Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey define this as a subconscious hidden goal that conflicts with a person’s stated commitments. In my case, this competing commitment was blocking my path to being productive. If I dug a little deeper to understand my puzzling behavior, I would discover what finishing that project would truly mean to me. The key to better understanding my competing commitment? I needed to look at my values and belief system.

 

There, I would find that I was competing with an important value of mine. I didn’t BELIEVE in the work that I was doing. I didn’t BELIEVE that my work was valued or appreciated by my supervisor. I didn’t BELIEVE that my work made a difference. Therefore, I couldn’t move forward.

 

You see, it was very important to me to be true to my life values. I valued doing work with purpose for people that appreciated my efforts. Finishing this project was competing with this deep need.

 

Sometimes people are not productive at work and have no clue as to what’s standing in their way. All the productivity tips from every expert ever are not going to help this person. The answer to the question does not always lie on the surface. Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to figure things out.

 

Next time you see this type of workplace behavior that seems inexplicable, consider the competing commitment. You just might find your answer.

Get Somewhat Happy

image emotionsIf I had a dollar for every time someone has said that they’re “depressed”, I’d be rich by now. You see, being a Mental Health therapist, it’s hard to ignore someone that says that to you. I take it seriously— very seriously. Hearing that word compels me to ask a myriad of questions to get to the heart of the situation. Hearing that word puts me on high alert to closely evaluate the true meaning of their statement.

 

In today’s world, “I’m depressed” can take on a whole different meaning. Often, they’re trying to say, “I’m sad”, or “I’m very unhappy”. That’s vastly different from “I’m depressed”. Feeling sad is a pretty normal emotion over a lifetime. It’s a given that people will experience situations that will make them sad. However, for many people, the minute that they feel a negative, uncomfortable emotion, they don’t quite know what to do with it. It seems as if having any tolerance for uncomfortable emotions has been drastically reduced for many of us. Our ability to ride the waves— a sign of resilience, has diminished.

 

Our culture is filled with messages that tell us that life’s expectation is to be blissfully happy. We should strive to find happiness in our careers, our relationships and beyond. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Personally, I want to be happy too. However, I realize that life is filled with normal ups and downs. Not every minute of your life is going to be filled with the good stuff. This belief has become deeply ingrained in our culture, which leaves many of us to feel that we’re losing out on the good life.

 

The truth is that feeling sad, angry, and hurt does serve a purpose. In fact, it can be very good for you.

 

Negative emotions spur us on to change our lives. They give us the strength and push to go after that new position we want in our career, or finally take that leap in our business. It’s the impetus for us to sever a bad relationship or finally move out on our own. It protects us from staying in dangerous situations where we can be hurt. It encourages us to have that “aha!” moment in our careers.

 

The truth is that we need our negative emotions to help us become the best version of ourselves.

 

Instead of trying to numb our feelings when we’re down or sad, maybe we should search within to discover how we can grow from the experience. Ask yourself this question:

 

What is my sadness and pain trying to tell me? What do I need to change?

I believe each one of us needs to reset our “happiness meter” a bit. We should consider that being content is a good goal as we ride the waves of life. Emotions are the barometer that helps us gauge what CHANGES we need to make in our life. Learn to walk through your sad feelings and you’ll find that you like what’s waiting on the other side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Taken For Granted

image good jobI got up this morning and realized that we had “sprung ahead” and it was now one hour later than I assumed. I began the arduous task of trying to change every single clock in the house. I went downstairs to eat my breakfast and noticed that the dishwasher had run out of any extra space. It was filled haphazardly and completely jam-packed. Accepting that I needed to run it, I sighed and finally pulled out the detergent, starting it up. Of course, I thought. There’s always one more thing for me to do when I’m feeling so tired!

 

I went to throw something in the trash and realized that it was full and needed to be taken out. I still had clothes in the dryer and another hamper full of whites to go. I began to feel overwhelmed with the number of responsibilities on my list.

 

And then I stopped and reflected on my situation. These were all the responsibilities that my husband usually takes care of on a consistent basis and he had been gone for the last 6 days.

 

These tasks usually just get completed and I don’t even have to think about it.

 

Is it possible that I don’t realize how good I have it? Maybe I don’t tell him enough how much I appreciate everything he does?

 

It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about a situation with our family, friends or in the workplace. It’s all the same. An article by Tony Schwartz in the Harvard Business Review illustrates this feeling perfectly: A worldwide study conducted by Towers Watson revealed that engagement in the workplace is driven by whether or not workers feel that their managers are genuinely interested in their well being and also whether they feel appreciated for their work. The study revealed that 40% of workers today felt engaged.

 

So why is it so difficult for us to show gratitude and appreciation for others in the workplace and at home? Whether we like it or not, we easily fall into the pattern of taking things for granted.

 

So how can we change this negative habit?

 

The first step lies in acknowledging your own actions.

Make a pact to see the world through new eyes. Take a step back at work and at home, really paying attention to what is going on around you. See all the little things that somehow get completed without you realizing it. The truth is that you can get so caught up in your own agendas, responsibilities, and issues that you can miss what’s right in front you. Do an inventory of where you might need to improve your appreciation skills.

 

Showing appreciation gets easier the more you do it.

You know how the more you workout the stronger you get? The stronger you get, the easier exercising becomes. Showing gratitude for others is the same— it’s a muscle that you need to exercise on a regular basis. If you continue to say “thank you” and show appreciation for others, the easier and more routine it becomes in your life. It’s a habit like everything else.

 

Say thank you when they least expect it

I don’t believe in Hallmark holidays like Sweetest Day or Administrative Assistant day. In my opinion, this just seems like a forced appreciation day. It doesn’t feel genuine. If you really want to show your appreciation, demonstrate your gratitude when they least expect it. Do it on a consistent basis when it is deserved. This is when it will mean the most.

 

I encourage you to start your new appreciation efforts today. Look around and say “thank you” to someone that makes your life easier, without expecting anything in return.

 

Attitude

imagesstress

 

I had just taken my seat at the IMAX theatre to see the movie. My friend was visiting from out of town and we decided that this was the perfect thing to do on a cold day. Apparently, so did everyone else in our city— the place was packed and as the people piled in, it became obvious that we were going to run out of seats.

 

Eventually, one of the employees asked if everyone could move to the middle so they could make room for the people still being seated. Quickly, my friend and I stood up and moved one more seat to my left. We sat down and continued to enjoy our time talking. Suddenly, we overheard the women to my friend’s right begin to complain.

 

“That isn’t fair— why do we need to move when we got here early and they didn’t?” My friend and I heard this and smiled at each other. Five minutes later, she went on. “Why should I be punished for getting to the theatre on time? I shouldn’t have to move and be made uncomfortable!” I whispered to my friend that some people are never happy and she smiled back.

 

I finally took a good look at the woman who could only view her world half-empty. The reality was that moving over one seat actually improved her visual experience. She truly had a better seat now. However, she couldn’t see that. She couldn’t see anything but misery.

 

People can focus on the smallest things in life and become unhappy. However, when they take these attitudes to work with them, it becomes everyone’s problem.

 

Steffanie Wilk, an associate professor at Fisher College of Business at the Ohio State University, studied employee mood and it’s impact on job performance. In the study, she asked telephone customer service representatives from a Fortune 500 company to record their moods during various times of the day over a three week period. They took into account the impact of individual temperament and the moods of their customers. The results proved that when beginning their day, the employee’s mood influenced their mood for the rest of the shift.

 

It should be no surprise to hear that employees that were happy at the beginning of the day generally stayed that way throughout their day. They responded more positively to their interactions with customers, which resulted in better customer service. Those that came to work miserable tended to continue to feel worse as the day wore on. The important point to glean from this study is that these negative mood shifts resulted in more than a 10% decline in employee productivity.

 

If you do the math, you can see the implications for revenue loss for any organization. Companies, big or small, can’t afford to have chronic negative employees on their team. Now imagine what happens when the negative employee spreads their bad attitude to the people around them. It’s like an infectious disease that can destroy the culture, productivity and in turn, the profitability of any organization.

 

Now, back to my miserable friend at the movie theatre. Hopefully, she will change her ways. Maybe it was a one-time thing and I just hit her on the wrong day. But in all probability, she goes to work somewhere every day with this same perspective on life and infects her co-workers with this attitude.

 

I hope that’s not the case.

Bring Back the Excitement

images cat picture

 

Our family took Miles to the groomer at the pet store the other night. While the she struggled with a squirmy pug, we decided that we should walk around and shop. We picked up cat food for Biscuit and Joey and proceeded to check out the cat toys. My son wanted to buy catnip but I reminded him that we have the only cats on the planet that don’t have any interest in this substance. In the past, they’ve just sniffed it and walked away, disinterested.

 

And then we spotted it. It was a long stick with some feathers, bright shiny tinsel and a bell on the end. Although it had been a long time since I had seen our older cats play, I decided to take a risk and make the purchase. I was curious as to whether they would show any interest in this toy.

 

When I got home, I brought out the cat toy and called the boys. They came running in and immediately had interest in the new addition to their house. Before long, they were jumping, standing on two feet, and running around the room. I hadn’t seen them this excited in a long, long time.

 

In fact, the toy caused so much excitement in the house that I eventually had to put it away in a drawer for the night. They just wouldn’t stop attacking the toy, which in turn, revved up the dog beyond our tolerable limit.

 

The next day, I remembered that the toy was in the drawer, so I took it out to play. The cats came running and a replay of the night before ensued. In fact, they knew the sound of the toy and were present within seconds of me touching it. It kept their interest much longer than my interest in continuing the playtime. This time, however, I left the toy on the ground and walked out of the room.

 

The day after that, I spotted the toy and picked it up. I called the cats to play, but it took quite some time for them to arrive. I tried to engage them in play but it was a lethargic game, at best. Apparently, the toy was yesterday’s news.

 

By now, I bet you’re wondering why I’m sharing this story with you. What does a cat toy have anything to do with life? Well, you know how excited you are when you start something new? You know that feeling you have when you start a new job, create your own business, or begin a new relationship? It’s all novel, exciting and fresh. Life is easy because you’re full of energy and stoked about your new venture. After a while, however, reality sets in. The newness wears off and you fall into your routine.

 

This is the pivotal moment that separates the resilient from the less resilient; possessing the ability to hang in there and not give up or move on to something new and easier. This is a crucial step in finding your desired success. It’s also when you have the opportunity to truly gain and learn the most.

 

Making it through this period, past the initial shininess, enables you to build confidence for future endeavors in your life.

 

Weeding

images dandelion

 

I worked at my desk for way too long and I couldn’t concentrate anymore.  On top of that, it was 85 degrees outside and I was itching to enjoy the beautiful weather.  I decided that I would go for a quick walk to clear my head. As I walked outside the front door and looked around, I marveled at the front yard. It was as if I was seeing it for the first time.

 

I noticed that there were some weeds cropping up in one of the flowerbeds, so I decided to delay my walk and take care of it.  I looked around and noticed the lush green grass and the flowered trees. As I neared the front of the house, I spotted it.  There, in the middle of a nicely manicured bed, was the biggest weed that I had ever seen. It had a very thick stem and a large yellow flower. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that the flower/weed was at least 5 feet high. If you’re wondering if I’m confused and that it really was a flower, I can 100% assure you that it was a weed.

 

As I stepped over to the gargantuan weed, I wondered how I had missed it for so long. Much to my dismay, this 5-foot behemoth was not hidden behind bushes.  This flower/weed was not obscured from any vantage point in the front yard.  How was it possible that this weed went unnoticed by me?

 

I grabbed it and yanked hard, pulling it out of the ground. I ceremoniously carried the weed to the trashcan and threw it out.  On my way, I looked around to see if anyone was watching me.  In my mind, I wondered how many neighbors had obviously noticed the weed and were taking bets on when I was going to finally do something about it.

 

As I went for my walk, I wondered how I could have left my house numerous times during the day and driven back into the driveway without ever noticing the obvious. I mean, it was HUGE and in plain sight. I decided that the reason that I didn’t see the weed was because I didn’t want to see it.

 

As humans, we are wired to seek out pleasure and avoid pain. If you think about it, everything in life comes down to these two things.  Let me tell you a secret— I don’t like working in the yard.  To me, it’s a pain. I’ve been putting off planting my flowers and other yard work for sometime now. As I thought honestly about this, I realized that I hadn’t noticed the obvious because it was painful for me.  I avoided looking at the yard at all costs. This way, I didn’t have to feel any pain or discomfort and could go about my life. Yes, this sounded like denial to me.

 

As I faced the music, I made a commitment to change this negative pattern.  No matter how much progress you make in handling issues in a proactive manner, now and then, you can easily revert back into negative patterns from your past.  So here’s you’re wake-up call— is there something in your own life that you’ve been conveniently avoiding?  Are there some weeds that you need to attend to in your own garden?

 

I have faith that you’ll take the steps to move forward in your life.

 

 

The Secret to Change

images change picture

A few years ago, I worked for an organization that was going through some major changes.  At the time, they were moving from their present building to another facility. Countless meetings were held to discuss the changes and allow people to share their concerns.  At some point, I made an observation that all the discussions weren’t helping the situation.  The majority of individuals were not moving forward on the idea of working in a new location.  In fact, they were only digging their heels in even more.

 

I found this fascinating as it all played out.  Being from a Mental Health background, it was interesting to watch the process unfold and observe the different reactions and objections from the various people. I’m sure you can relate to at least one time in your own life where you fought change desperately.

 

But why do we do this?

 

images change life

 

Well, I have a question for you to answer. Do you by chance eat the same thing for breakfast every morning? Do you go the same way to work every day?  Chances are pretty good that the answer to these questions is a yes.  As humans, we seem to revel in habits.  Habits make our life easier and saner. We like the security of knowing that every step in life doesn’t involve another decision— this can tax our brain, taking more energy and focus. Life can sometimes feel like a whirlwind and frankly, it’s easier if we know what to expect and are able to function on autopilot.

 

Nevertheless, change is part of life and inevitable. No matter what you do to avoid change, it will catch up with you eventually.  Your ability to adapt and go with the flow of life will be the key to you finding the success and happiness you so desire. In lieu of this fact, here are two questions to ask the next time you feel yourself fighting change in the workplace:

 

What is it that I really fear about this change?

I’m asking you to dig deep on this one because your initial objections might not be what’s really bothering you.  The answer might be hidden deep down.  Are you fearful that you won’t be able to succeed in this situation?  Are you scared of how this new change will add work to your life?  Do you have difficulty finding acceptance in many phases of your life? Are you someone that gets stuck and can’t move on?  Be honest and do some real soul searching.

 

How specifically will this change affect me?

 

 

I want you to break it down and attempt to make a list of the positives and negatives in the change.  Often, you can get stuck on the idea and not realize that the change won’t affect you nearly as much as you think.  After you have made your list, I want you to look at each negative that you wrote down and find a way that you can somehow substitute for this loss that you are experiencing. Find some angle to make this change more palatable. For example, let’s say you are losing your 4-walled office and moving to a bright, fabulous new office with open workspace.  You are terrified of this and grieve losing your own space. Look at ways you can replace the loss within the confines off this new change.  What if you asked to work from home one day a week? What if you reserve the conference room for a couple hours a week to have your privacy? There are options here that you can explore which substitute your perceived loss.

 

I believe Socrates said it best when he wrote, “The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

Opportunity Leads to Growth

 

 

 

images change life I was complaining to my husband over dinner last night. I had taken a look at my schedule and realized that I was booked for a seminar the following day. Although it had sounded like a good idea at the time, I was now lamenting the fact that I’d be tied up all day. On top of that, I always felt wary of attending this specific event every year. The truth was that I felt anxious about seeing people from a previous workplace at the event. You see, the job had not ended on positive terms— the supervisor had suddenly become disenchanted with my talents.

 

As I drove to the seminar, my mind skipped around from thought to thought.  I envisioned being in the seminar and feeling uncomfortable. I imagined that I would have no one to talk to during the event and I wouldn’t have anywhere to sit.  I saw myself asking people if I could join their table with their response being anything but enthusiastic. My brain swirled with these toxic thoughts until I arrived at the event.

 

As I made my way into the room, I was surprised to spot a good friend.  I had no idea that she was going to be there.  Another woman walked by and was very excited to see me.  She came over to say hello and proceeded to remind me that we had gone to school together. She commented that she had been reading about me and was so interested in what I was doing. We talked for a while and I moved on.  A few minutes later another woman walked by and called my name.

 

Again, I had no idea who she was but I spent the remainder of the morning trying to figure it out.  It finally dawned on me how I knew her— she had worked at the previous job where things had gone sour. On a break, I worked my way over to her table to talk to her further.

 

We discussed our current careers and she shared that she was still with the same company. She then looked at me and said, “You know, a funny thing happened after you left.  I was going through some old papers and I came upon a memo from years before addressed to all the employees.  It was concerning some policies that the director felt weren’t being enforced.”  She continued, “The thing that really struck me was the tone of the letter. I wish you could have seen it. It was so harsh, so ugly and so not appropriate. It made me think of the way she had treated you. At the time, I felt her behavior toward you was so out of character.  I realize now that it wasn’t out of character at all.”

 

I finally spoke. “So I must have made her feel threatened.”  She nodded her head.  I spent the rest of the seminar soaking in this new bit of information.

 

What if I had given in to my unrealistic thoughts and anxiety and not attended this event? It’s one thing to have negative thoughts, but it’s quite another to give in to those negative thoughts and let it affect your actions in life. Being willing to ride out those uncomfortable feelings that we all have now and then enabled me to have the exhilarating experience of finally being validated.

 

Each day you have the chance to become a better person.  Each day you have the opportunity to grow as an individual and learn from your experiences.  Each day, you are given this gift but you might not always grab for it.

 

I hope you grab for it.

Empowering Others

image empowermentI have a memory from my childhood that comes back in my consciousness every now and then. It’s bedtime and I’m going through my evening rituals.  I’m standing at the sink with my mother and it’s time to wash my face.  She has the washcloth in her hand and it’s all warm and soapy.  She’s ready to start cleaning my face when I grab it out of her hand.  I remember the strong feeling of wanting to be independent and be able to take care of myself.  However, my mom is impatient and not pleased with this action since she assumes that I won’t do it properly. She grabs the washcloth back from me so she can complete the task.

 

Isn’t it strange the way our brains work? When I’m together with my childhood friends, they tell me many stories and experiences that I just can’t recollect.  But this moment I remember vividly and I couldn’t have been more than 4 years old.  You know why?  Because of the way that moment made me feel.  I felt so helpless, out of control and frustrated.  I wanted to be independent and she wouldn’t let me. I recall feeling proud that I wanted to take care of myself.

 

I think that in a way, my mom wanted to make things easier for me than they had been for her.  Or maybe she wanted to be needed in her role as a mother. It’s possible that she was tired and she just wanted this task done so she could finally relax.  The point is that in the process, she squelched my ability to be independent and feel that I could stand on my own two feet.

 

When I had my own children, I wanted to take a different approach.  It was important for me to give my kids the tools they needed to feel confident and independent. I allowed my kids to make mistakes and color outside the lines. It meant that I was willing to step back when they made a mistake and allow them to work out their own issues.  It also meant that at times, my children felt discomfort and even pain, and I allowed them to feel their own pain. I’m not saying it was easy, but I knew in my heart it was for the best. I wanted them to be able to feel secure in their decision-making and their ability to steer their own course in life.

 

I mimicked this approach in the workplace.  I wanted to empower peers and my employees to confidently handle their own issues, and get comfortable with solving their own problems.  I felt that it was my job to give them the tools to be successful, independent and strong. Again, it was certainly not easy, and sometimes quite disheartening, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

 

You probably agree with everything that I’ve shared with you thus far. Your head is nodding and you absolutely see my point. However, I’m asking you to take an honest, raw look at your life right now.  It’s time to question whether you might have failed in your attempts to empower the people around you.

 

Maybe your enabling involves a relationship with a child. It’s easier and less stressful if you can take care of the task and be done.  Maybe it’s an employee relationship. You have repeatedly handled issues because you want to make sure it’s done properly and perfectly.  Maybe it’s a friend that consistently needs your assistance. Time and time again you help, because, to be honest, it just feels good to be needed.

 

I guarantee that you have at least one relationship that smacks of some enabling in your personal or professional life.  In the moment, the action might feel good to you and to them, but the long-term effects can be quite destructive.

 

Make it your mission to empower others to stand on their own two feet. Eventually, they’ll be glad you did.